tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16781581036266246952024-03-05T16:09:55.089-08:00Tatum TimeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.comBlogger221125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-44329325265101178032015-04-05T21:57:00.003-07:002015-04-05T21:57:52.749-07:00#BecauseHeLives....This is the # that's been circulating on social media these past few weeks before Easter, so I have been thinking a lot about what it means to me that our Savior Lives. It pretty much encompasses everything that I am. My entire belief system, how I live my life, what I hope for, how I interact with people, the way I conduct myself it all centers around the belief that I know that He died for me and on the third day He rose and overcame death and now He lives so that we might all live again too. What more beautiful truth could there be? It means that we will see our loved ones who have gone before us. It means that we will continue after this life here on earth. In the Alex Boye song that I love called "I Will Rise" there is a line that says "and my faith will be my eyes". I love that line because I fell like when we cross the veil from this world to the next that the faith that we have in our hearts will be united and will be evident to our eyes. What a glorious day that will be. I love this special time of year to reflect on these beliefs that I hold so dear. <br />
Trevin's first big seizure happened on Easter morning, also during conference like this year. Almost on the same day. Trevin's event happened on April 3. I guess I could have bad feelings about Easter, but I have always felt like it was so fitting that such a hard thing should happen during Easter. My sister in law Becky brought us a card that had a sticker on it that said "Easter is a time for Miracles". It gave us hope and strength to carry whatever burden we needed to. We tried to face our fears using the Savior as our perfect example of obedience, love and faith. Easter still is a time for miracles, we just need to recognize the miracles because they aren't always what we are looking for. <br />
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#BecauseHeLives I know that this picture will happen again, plus Trevin. One day our family will be reunited. No more missing, no more tears, no more feeling like two are missing, no more sadness. Just pure joy.<br />
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I can't believe that it has been 4 months since I wrote last. i have composed several posts in my mind, but between school and life it just hasn't made it to the actual blog! This has been a really rough semester. I have been in a class that has brought me to the brink of my emotions. I also have six classes. Way too many for a mom with a job and a church calling and 5 kids to take care of. I mean these kids just keep wanting to eat and have clean clothes!! Unbelievable. The good news is that it is almost over. <br />
This second year since Tatum died has been a lot harder than the first year. Not sure why that has been, but the emotions have been so high these past few months. I have been missing her so much. It could be a combination of severe fatigue coupled with grief. that is always a volatile cocktail. It seems like Hilary has been talking about her a lot, which I welcome. The other day we were driving in the car and she just randomly said "I never got to see Jesus". I told her that I didn't either. Then she said "no when he came to get Tatum!" This peaked my interest. I was wondering if she was going to tell me who came to pick Tatum up. I said "who came to get Tatum if it wasn't Jesus?" Then she said, "I only got to see the man in the black coat!" Then I realized that she was talking about Tatum's body, and she was remembering the mortician. I was sad for a second and then I realized that those were her own memories from 2 years ago! She really remembers Tatum and a lot of what happened. This made my heart sing. That has been a wish of mine, for her to have her own memories of Tatum. Maybe seeing the mortician take her away was not the memory I was hoping for, but I know there are others if she remembers that. See, Easter miracles!!<br />
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These past four months have been filled with exciting things. Halea got her mission call to Iquitos, Peru. She leaves on June 30, straight to the Peruvian MTC. We are so excited for her. For her spring break she was able to go to Washington DC for a few days with some kids from her school. She is living the College dream!<br />
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These were the Christmas Tatum pillows that my niece and my friend helped me to sew out of Tatum's clothes. It makes me smile to see one on each of the kids beds. So grateful that people have talent that they are willing to share!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-59081869828563360202014-12-09T23:30:00.000-08:002014-12-09T23:30:20.044-08:0020 Years...December 9, 1994. Twenty years ago today, right about this time, Lance and I were walking ourselves out to the parking lot of Primary Children's Hospital, alone. We had just witnessed our sweet Trevin graduate to his next phase of life. It was the hardest, most beautiful experience of my life. Our nurses name was appropriately, Joy. I will never forget her kindness towards us. She really did exude Joy. <br />
What do you do on such a day to remember such a hard anniversary? To remember the sweet son who made you a mother?<br />
Well, I went running, like normal. Made lunches and made sure that everyone had their things for school. (Holden nearly walked out the door without his science fair project that he had stayed up til midnight finishing!) I did my morning tidy. Got Hilary ready for our exercise class. Went to exercise class, where I wrenched my back, so now I can barely walk:). Did some homework. A few friends came over to visit and have lunch for a bit while the kids played. I made some appointments for Halea because she is starting her papers for her mission! I paid some bills. I thought about dinner, but didn't do anything about it. I started laundry. (is this all sounding familiar to anyone?) Before I knew it, kids were walking through the door. I got them settled and started out the door to go do some hospital errands before my night class started. We turned in our final and ended class early. On the way home I realized it was going to probably be a left over night, or as we call it "fend for yourself night". I made myself a little dinner and started to fold laundry. Lance started a movie. Did some homework while we watched. Ate an ice cream bar. Then started some more homework. I got a few texts from friends that remembered (which I don't ever expect). Life just carries on. Important anniversaries are forgotten by most, except to those who are affected by them.<br />
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On my way home from school I did have a few moments to reflect on Trevin and the power of his short little life. Like I said before, he made me a mother. How powerful is that? I will never forget that first day that we got to meet him. We were elated. How could someone so small make such an immediate impact on your life and your desires for how it would be? Little did we know just how big his impact would be. He literally changed the course of our family. He put me on a path that i would have never chosen willingly, only at his urging and example could I possibly love what my life is today. I think that my life is amazing, but a lot of people from the outside looking in might think otherwise. That understanding of what he did for us is what makes the difference. He taught us a deeper compassion and love and understanding of our Heavenly Father's love for us. I am forever indebted to him for preparing me and helping me to be able to choose the life that I was supposed to live. I am so grateful for what i have learned and what i continue to learn from him. <br />
I will never stop missing him and the light he was to us while he was here, but I know he is where he is supposed to be and so I have peace. I choose peace. I also know that Today marks 20 years, 20 years closer to seeing him again! That is a great day. Love you sweet boy.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-87531304111641033322014-11-23T15:13:00.000-08:002014-11-23T15:13:57.856-08:00Have I Mentioned My Disdain for Change?....I can never believe when I get a chance to sit down and blog, that it has really been a month since my last post. This month is no exception. It has been a wild one, filled with some really hard and glorious experiences.<br />
We went up to Logan for "family weekend" to see Halea. We drove up on Saturday morning and went to the football game and then we went to a Halloween Activity that the city does. They have all sorts of scenes from movies and TV shows all done out of carved pumpkins. It was quite amazing. Then we went and got Halea some groceries, we went to dinner and then it was time to go. It went really fast. It was really sad to leave her there. She calls her dorm her "hotel". She seems to really like her roommates and she loves school and all of the fun exciting things that she is getting to do, but I think she misses home. Maybe we did something right after all. <br />
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I had the opportunity to work with a family in Salt Lake that was interested in having some hand molds done of their teenage son that had committed suicide. We arranged a time for me to meet them at the mortuary. When I arrived, the mom was in a little bit of a break down, understandably. She could not make a decision. She started saying that maybe she didn't want a hand mold, which I was totally fine with. She was crying and saying that she felt so bad that I had driven all the way up there, because it was ALL the way up there. North North, very East Salt Lake. Probably a 45 minute drive. I was fine, but I had cut my time frame pretty tight. I had my night class on that day which was at 6:00 in Orem, almost an hours drive, without traffic. Well this poor mom was still deciding if she even wanted a hand mold at 4:45. I tried to ignore the time because I knew that talking with this mom and reassuring her that this was not about me, was way more important. After talking to her, she agreed to let me do just a single hand mold and then I would call her when it was ready and she could choose to have it or not. I left feeling so so sad for this family. Suicide is soooo hard. I also felt really good because I was able to make a deliberate choice to spend my time where I felt it was needed, I was living a lesson I learned from Tatum. Enjoy and be present with those that need you right then. Don't sweat the things that don't matter in the eternal perspective. The traffic on the way home was terrible, but I was only about 10 minutes late to my class. <br />
While I was driving I was going to call Halea and tell her how much I love her because I was a little shook up about this sweet kid who had taken his life, but I decided not to. It was that night or the next that she called me. As soon as I heard her voice I knew that something was terribly wrong. I could tell she was crying and she immediately told me that her very best friends brother had also taken his own life. I was just sick. This poor family has had their share of trials, and so I was just stunned to think of how they would shoulder yet another blow. Halea was a disaster because her friend is at BYU and she really just wanted to go and be with her. I told her that I would come and get her as soon as she could get done with whatever things she needed to tie up for school. On Thursday I drove up to Logan and picked her up. It was really nice to have those one on one hours with her. The next day was the funeral. It was really tender and the family handled it really well. I have been to some funerals that involve suicide where they don't really address this elephant in the room. This family spoke about it and addressed it, even though I'm sure it was really hard. My heart just breaks for their family. I don't know how you recover from such a tragedy. How do you carry that heavy burden left by a life cut short? Halea was able to spend some much needed time with her friend that weekend. Last week I was looking over some articles written by my favorite social worker/psychologist and I remembered that he had some things that he had written on suicide. I made a mental note to send the links to this family. Two days later I ran into the mom in Costco! We had a good talk. It reminded me how raw those emotions are. In all of the time that the girls have been friends I have never run into her in a public place. Coincidence, NOPE! God is good.<br />
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Then there was Halloween. This is the only picture that I have of the kids. Not the best. Heidi was a Hobo, Holden was a Swat guy, Halea was a poor college student (notice the bandage around her arm, that's from giving plasma), and Hilary was Rainbow Dash from my little ponies. We went to Lance's work because they do a little trick or treat around the offices. When we got home Holden was ready to head out the door to go around the neighborhood. Hilary said that she would maybe go later, she was too tired to go right then. So Holden went off with his friends. An hour or so later Hilary came down in a second costume, her Fufa from last year, and she was ready to go.<br />
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The next week we were getting ready to leave for school and Holden came downstairs with a basket with a hat fashioned out of paper, a suit coat and a few other things that I couldn't see. I asked him what it was for and he said "Oh, its our wax museum today, this is my Abraham Lincoln costume." This is a pretty big deal in 5th grade. The kids pick someone from history that they want to dress up as, they write a little paragraph about them. They make a fake button to place by them for people to push, then all of the 5th graders sit at tables and the parents go around, push the buttons and the kids recite their paragraph about their historical person. With Halea and Hayden we were involved, helped them get their costume ready, etc. Holden had made a hat and a beard out of construction paper and found a suit coat all on his own. Maybe he was trying to avoid Lance taking over his project. They both like to be creative, so maybe Holden wanted to do this one on his own. I was just embarrassed that I didn't even know he was working on it!<br />
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Hilary asks me every day "where are we going today". she is always disappointed if we are staying home. On this Tuesday I told her we were going voting and to the store, etc. Later she asked me if we needed our life jackets. I looked at her puzzled. Then I realized that she thought we were going "boating". In a sense we sort of need a life jacket to vote, because we feel like a sinking ship as a country:) She was pretty excited about the sticker and promptly put it on her barn.<br />
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Hayden went to the Sadie Hawkins dance with our cute neighbor girl, and he got a job! He works at a place called Swig. They serve mixed sodas, smoothies, snow cones, Italian sodas and cookies. <br />
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The other day I came home and this drawing was sitting on our kitchen counter. It is a sketch that Heidi did of one of my favorite pictures of me and Tatum. I asked her if it was for school, she said no, she just wanted to do it. It is interesting to see on a daily basis how each of our kids processes this part of our family story. Just when I feel like I am the only one that cares, or is paying attention, one of them does something sweet. <br />
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Are my teeth really that big?! Unfortunately, yes, yes they are. Good job Heidi.<br />
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The other day we had the missionaries over for dinner. Of course they asked how many kids we have. Lance answered, "five". He proceeded to give all of the kids ages. My heart panged a little, but I know we each deal with this differently. As they were leaving they were walking down the hallway and stopped at our family picture, that includes Tates. Lance started pointing out each of the kids and then he got to Tatum and he said, "this is our daughter Tatum that died". The poor missionaries! They seemed so uncomfortable, but I was really proud of Lance because I'm sure it was as uncomfortable for him. Luckily they only had to stay for a few minutes before they could escape out the door.<br />
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The last two weeks we have been having our floors refinished. We have had to move all of our furniture off of the wood. We also replaced our carpet in our living room with wood. It has been a long couple of weeks. Currently our refrigerator is still in our piano room! The past few days I have been washing walls and taking decorations off walls. One of my friends is going to come and help me freshen up the decorating. I also thought that we might try a different furniture configuration in our living room, to try and keep the windows more open so we can see out into our back yard. We started moving the couches back in and Hilary was throwing a fit. She kept saying "no, I want them the same!" She was even crying. I thought that I knew why, because I was feeling the same way. I was sure that her four year old mind would not be thinking the same way mine was, though. I sat down next to her and I asked her why she didn't like the couches this way. Then sure enough she said it, "Because Tatum sleeps over there on that couch!" and she pointed to where the smaller couch used to be, and where Tatum slept. I was sort of having the same anxious feelings because it all looks different than when she was here, and I don't like it. I was so grateful to know that I wasn't the only resistant one and I was really happy to know that Hilary absolutely has her very own memories of Tatum. I was so sad that she too is being forced to accept change, and reality even when she doesn't want to. This is what life is all about. Change. <br />
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I have had the opportunity to attend several funerals this month. One of my friends told me that she thinks that I go to more funerals than anyone in the world. Probably a little overstatement, but probably pretty true. I have said before that I love a good funeral. I believe it is a place where the veil to the other side is very thin. The spirit is readily accessible and if you go with an open heart, you can be taught the greatest of all truths. It is also a true demonstration of our faith and especially our faith in the plan of salvation. I attended one yesterday that was for one of our patients from the hospital. Their little baby was born and lived for just a few hours. They had known for most of their pregnancy that he would not stay in this world for very long and they were perfect examples of embracing his entire life. They studied and sought guidance through the spirit and personal revelation to help them understand his purpose in their family. I attend a lot of funerals, this was by far one of the most spiritual and sweet and powerful meeting I've been to. His ripple in this life will be felt for a long long time.<br />
One of the profound things that they spoke about were the many miracles that they witnessed during their pregnancy and during their sons short life. My favorite thought, shared by the mom, was that the obvious miracles are not always the most beautiful ones. Their son being healed and being able to live would have been the obvious miracle and they would have been thrilled to receive. The miracle that has occurred, the change in their hearts because they are able to be his parents, is a much more beautiful and precious miracle. I loved this thought because I think sometimes we are only looking for the huge, obvious, miraculous things that happen, so we miss the simple life changing events that are happening every day. I feel that same way about Trevin and Tatum. I know that Heavenly Father could have healed either of them. That was not their purpose. I wish this knowledge and understanding could take away the smart of the human feelings that accompany having to let someone go. It still takes my breath away when I see pictures of Tatum. It still makes me sad to make changes like moving my couch or selling our van. It still hurts to realize that this really is our family story. These are things that are all part of our human experience with them and so the sadness that comes is understandable. These things only remind me of how very much I love her, and I want to remember so it's OK.<br />
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a<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-19187283664786987952014-10-24T13:48:00.001-07:002014-10-24T13:48:04.514-07:00Still Receiving Amazing Blessings and Miracles.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There have been a lot of things going on around here:<br />
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What is the matter with our boys and taking pictures? those faces!<br />
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Halea came to visit, and left this bit of advice for Hayden on his bathroom mirror. I think she meant to write Don't kiss ANY girls, not too many.<br />
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Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and we had general conference.<br />
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Lance is about to get passed up by Hayden? How did this happen...<br />
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Heidi got to participate in the state cross country meet for her school. She is a cool cucumber. She is always so calm before and after a race. She is really good. I have loved getting to watch her compete.<br />
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Another birthday for Hayden. How are these years just ticking away? One more year til adulthood for this boy.<br />
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After several months of tangly unmanageable hair Hilary agreed to let me trim her hair. Yes, I did wait until she agreed. We have learned it is just easier that way. She might be THAT youngest child (still alive) people talk about. You know the one that gets everything her way because mom and dad are tired? Yep. We cut about 5 or 6 inches off and now we can actually comb through her hair! It was a win win situation. She still asks about Tatum. The other day she asked me if Tatum misses us? I told her yes, because she better, right? We miss her SO much it would be awful to find out that she didn't really miss us. That would be just mean.<br />
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For fall break we went to the zoo....Hilary's favorite part of the zoo? The cotton candy, naturally.<br />
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Hilary's least favorite part of the zoo? Getting stung by a bee. we made a quick visit to First Aid got a band aid and we were on our way. The zoo "guest services" were really lame, however. They barely acknowledged that this cutest little 4 year old had been stung by a bee, on their property! Maybe I they would have made a bigger deal if I had said that she got bit by one of their Tigers, or Bears?!!<br />
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We hadn't been back to the zoo since the last time we went with Tatum. It was a little hard for me. I had invited some family to come if they wanted to, but no one could come. It was probably best that no one could join us. That day was a really great day with Tatum and Hilary together and so it was a little emotional to go back. It was a beautiful fall day, well until the bee sting of course.<br />
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We also went to Gardner's village. We visited their very over priced and sad farm. I wanted to pack up all of the animals and help them escape from their filthy concrete jungle. We still had fun feeding them and smelling them. <br />
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Then, one day, we woke up to this!! Oh what a beautiful world we live in. This picture doesn't even do it justice. I was walking by my front door and the light from the sunrise was literally lighting up my entire entry way. We all went out on the front porch to admire the beauty of the new day. I love Utah.<br />
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School has been a little crazy. There are a lot of days that I feel like I might not make it, and then I do. I wish that I didn't require sleep or food. I just don't feel like I have time for either. Don't worry, I always seem to make time for the food, just not the sleep. I probably need to switch those. Sometimes it is exhausting because i feel like I am constantly defending my beliefs to these very liberal professors and students. I do it in a kind way, but I can't back down. I feel like I need to defend the things that I know are right, to hopefully help preserve some morals to be left in our society for my kids. It is frightening how quickly our morals have decayed in the past 15 years. It has certainly helped me to be more in touch with my beliefs and my testimony of truth. I am learning how to defend those things in a Christ like way. I am also learning a little bit of how it must feel to be a minority. <br />
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My last thoughts revolve around this beautiful plot of land. Several weeks ago I met a family through my work at the hospital that was going to have a baby that would probably not survive much past birth. Right before we met they had decided to name her Heather. When I called to make an appointment with the family the mom had told me that when she found out that my name was also Heather that she felt like it was a sign or a confirmation that her baby's name should be Heather. While we visited with them it was obvious that they did not have many financial blessings. That night as I was driving home I couldn't stop thinking about how else we could help them. I settled on helping them somehow through our T Time foundation with funeral costs and then I put my mind to rest. The morning that the mom was going to go in to deliver, when I was getting dressed I chose some dressier pants because I knew that I would be going to the hospital that night. After I put on my pants I put my hands in my pocket and I felt a hair elastic inside. I went to take it out and then I thought, no maybe I will need it. I NEVER put my own hair in a pony tail because it is too short to look cute and I never carry one for my girls? I didn't question my feeling and just moved along. That night this little mom delivered her sweet Heather. It was a really special day. It was a really sweet experience. As we were getting ready to leave the hospital I was talking to this mom and she started looking around her bed for something. She said, "I can't find my hair elastic and I am so hot I really need to put my hair up". What?!!! I reached in my pocket and asked her if she wanted to have mine. She was a little sheepish, but then grateful. Seriously? that was no coincidence. Heavenly Father cares about our smallest needs, I am absolutely sure of it. I see things like this every day.<br />
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As I was driving home that night the thought came very vividly to my mind that we needed to offer Trevins burial plot in the Provo cemetery to this family. I hadn't really thought about his plot for awhile. I thought that it would be more time before we would think about gifting it to someone. I wasn't sure how Lance was going to react to this inspiration either. He is often times way more sentimental about things, and so I wasn't sure how to approach him. When I got home it was late, so I just slept on it. Later that next day I went to the hospital to deliver some things to them. I called Lance beforehand to see if he would be OK if I offered it to them. His reaction was not at all what I expected. He started off saying that he thought that we would gift it to someone, but maybe not this soon. Then he said, "but if you think that you have found someone who needs it then that is fine". His reaction is a small miracle, not because he is not a giving person, but because I know that he is attached to that area, like I am. <br />
As I walked to the patients room I decided that I would just see how it went and try to be led by the spirit. We talked for awhile and then I asked her how the arrangements for Heather's services were coming. She said that they had called the cemetery and that a plot in the new baby area was going to be 700.00. She paused and said "we don't have money for that". When she got off the phone with them and related the information to her parents, they immediately offered to pay for anything and to not worry about the costs. This mom then told me that her parents didn't have a lot of extra money either, but she was grateful that they had offered. Then I told this mom that I had an offer to make her, but that she was not obligated to take it. I wasn't sure how someone would feel about putting their baby in a plot that another baby had been in. Is that weird? I am a little desensitized to situations that might seem strange to the average person who doesn't deal with death and dying issues every day:) She was overwhelmed and grateful.<br />
Later that night our patients mom called and expressed her gratitude. This is the part that I don't love about giving, not anonymously. It was a good feeling to know how grateful they were. It just felt right. The next morning the patients mom called me again to let me know that they had seen the plot and they couldn't believe how beautiful the spot was. I was so happy that they liked it, because we have always loved it, because it is under the trees. I told her about our family tradition of picking up the pine cones and making designs on Trevins head stone every time we would visit. While this grandma was out looking at the plot she said that there was a lady out there visiting her son, Trevins next door neighbor. They started talking and this grandma shared with this next door neighbor that Trevin had been moved and was now in Lehi, and that their daughter was going to bury her daughter there. The lady said that she had been wondering where he went! In all of our years we had never met this family! Then the grandma told her what I had said about the pine cones, and she said "oh yes every time we would come out he would have pine cones all around his head stone". It was just a little tender mercy for that grandma, and me. I never realized how attached I was to this tiny little plot of land.<br />
Yesterday, October 23rd, I was able to attend little Heather funeral. It was another gorgeous fall day. The parents were sitting under the enormous trees that surround this little area of grass. It was like the trees were a protective canopy putting their arms around this fragile couple. I am so grateful that we were blessed to be able to find a couple that truly needed something that we could give to them. The Sunday before the service I was in Provo for my good friend Mary Ann's daughters homecoming from her mission. I took a few minutes to run over to the cemetery to take a picture of our little plot before it wasn't ours anymore. We have a lot of sweet memories there. It will forever be a special place for us as a family.<br />
At this service the father of our patient said something that I loved. He said "God doesn't send armies to change the world, he sends little babies". The Savior came as an infant, just like all of us. All of us do not go on to do the things that He did, obviously. But look at what these little babies do to all of our hearts and minds in the very short time that we get to spend with them. Not to mention the ripple effect that they leave in their wake, affecting many more. <br />
I am so grateful and lucky to get to witness and be affected by the small miracles that I see every day. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-71603295257756601292014-09-28T21:13:00.001-07:002014-09-28T21:14:09.150-07:00Goodbye September!?....Where has this month gone? I might be drowning a little bit! This has been a terribly busy month. Good things, just really busy. It started off with a Sunday filled with missionary talks. Our neighbors son came home from his mission in Mississippi. He gave a great, really heart felt talk about being obedient. Sometimes if we are being obedient, we just never know what kind of blessings can come. He had a few really cool stories that had amazing twists, that a lot of people would have chalked up to "coincidence". It is great to have him home, he is a great kid. Right after he spoke we went to Salt Lake to hear our nephew give his farewell talk. He is leaving for Detroit. Yikes. His talk was funny, as we expected. He has a really funny sense of humor. Next month his brother comes home from his mission. It has been so fun to see all of these missionaries coming and going. Their energy is infectious.<br />
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Monday September 1st was our T-Time foundation hike to the Y. I really didn't stress too much. Everything just came together and we had a great time. We earned a good amount of money and had great weather. I hope that I can find some time this next year to really get some good ideas into action to bring the foundation to the next level. It is dear to my heart and something that is very needed in our little community of loss. <br />
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This is a good friend that I met through my work at the hospital. She brought four of her youngest of nine children! Her youngest, sweet mischevious Aaron, was not supposed to live. He is four years old! What a sweet lady to drag herself and her kids out early to come and support us. amazing <br />
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Here is most of our crew....<br />
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And our family...<br />
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A few days later we started the birthday month run. Heidi and I had ours first. It was a weird birthday. She didn't want a cake she wanted brownies. Sounded easy enough. Well it got to about 9:00 at night, and we had been running all day, and I still had not had time to make a pan of brownies, so I told Heidi that we would have brownies on Friday when a few of her friends were coming over for a Spiderman marathon. Of course she was totally understanding and fine with it all. First year that I haven't made her a cake. I felt like a real looser. Luckily a few of my friends had brought some cupcakes for us so we at least had a little treat.<br />
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The rest of the days are a blur until Holden's birthday, which is also a blur except I remember that we had his birthday. This is why I cannot go an entire month without writing. Pretty sure his birthday was a success, he got new bike ramps. His dream come true, my nightmare:) I can't believe that he is 11. I told him that he is still really nice and a little sensitive because he got to be the baby for almost seven years before Hilary came. He was my little buddy for a few years, all by himself while everyone was in school. He also asked for brownies instead of cake, ugh. I guess I am going to have to perfect my brownie making.<br />
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A few weeks ago, we sold the van. This seems and sounds so trivial, and it is, but it was really hard for me. I am still a little bitter about it. There were so many reasons that we needed to sell it. It was terrible on gas. Many times it would be just me or me and Hilary driving around in this enormous car, so it was very impractical. It shimmied when we would drive on the freeway and it was strictly for utility purposes, not super comfortable. I, however, loved that fact that I never had to wonder if we could fit everyone! I loved that when our family was here we could all pile in and go together. I loved that it didn't matter if it got a little dirty. I loved it because we bought it because of Tatum's arrival into our family. I loved it because it was the car that I was driving the day that I rushed into our doctors office, frantic because she was beginning her seizure. I loved it because Hilary remembers Tatum being there with us and she loved the van as much as I did. But it is OK. We got a good deal when we bought it and a great deal when we sold it and now we have a new car that will hopefully get better gas mileage. It feels really small in comparison, but I am getting used to it. I will really miss that van, my Tatermobile as I liked to call it. It was sold to a school, so the kids were hoping that it gets to be the "short bus" for the "special" kids. On to greener pastures. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9LAlw_tQ1nXOYOjmdGUKJbAzJqAF2sKUJ3GEabtNOuKbUyaSnPvOThIamRIQd0GJTCrsr6qHiA4IPgVxr4wFdlgZMFWYo2ePLehbd0d-A9v9R8JVl_mSbXx9RmXMw1jjniSy8irgHllfs/s1600/iPhone+september+pictures+021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9LAlw_tQ1nXOYOjmdGUKJbAzJqAF2sKUJ3GEabtNOuKbUyaSnPvOThIamRIQd0GJTCrsr6qHiA4IPgVxr4wFdlgZMFWYo2ePLehbd0d-A9v9R8JVl_mSbXx9RmXMw1jjniSy8irgHllfs/s1600/iPhone+september+pictures+021.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a><span style="color: black;"> We</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9LAlw_tQ1nXOYOjmdGUKJbAzJqAF2sKUJ3GEabtNOuKbUyaSnPvOThIamRIQd0GJTCrsr6qHiA4IPgVxr4wFdlgZMFWYo2ePLehbd0d-A9v9R8JVl_mSbXx9RmXMw1jjniSy8irgHllfs/s1600/iPhone+september+pictures+021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"> have also been trying to sell Halea's car. We have had LOTS of lookers. i think there are some potential buyers among them, it's just going to take a little while. All of this, in my spare time you know.</span></a></div>
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School has been really fun. Very busy, but fun. There have been a few times that I have shared a few little things about our family. A few people asked me a little more in depth questions about our kids and I was able to share that two of our kids had died. Neither of the people asked any follow up questions. I thought this was really strange, but whatever. Hopefully they will learn as they become real social workers, that you should ask more details when someone shares something personal like that. I brought Hilary to an event that we all had to take shifts at. They all thought she was so cute. So far, the school schedule is working out with the family schedule. Like I said, it is crazy busy, but so far my ship hasn't taken on so much water that we are sinking, yet. <br />
Hilary loves her High School Preschool, as she calls it. She loves her teacher "Mrs. Gail". She is a cute little grandma that taught elementary and High school kids, so she says this is the best of both worlds to get to be with both. I think that she is crazy!!<br />
I have had some opportunities in my classes to stand up for some of my beliefs. I think that this will be a normal thing because the field that I am entering is full of very liberal thinkers. It has been good for me to really consider why I believe the things I do. It is my center in Christ that solidifies and anchors those beliefs in my soul. I am grateful to know the things that i know and to have had the experiences that I have had. I would not be the person I am without each and every one of them. <br />
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The hospital was super quiet for the first few weeks of school, thank goodness. It did give me a little false sense of security, schedule wise. It was a little crazy the past few weeks, but I had some really sweet experiences, reminding me of why I am going back to school. I want to be better at what I do. I want to help more. One of the calls to the hospital was for a 19 year old young lady that was a passenger in a car that was full of college students going back to school after a weekend at home. they were heading to a school south east Utah that several of our neighbors are going to. When I got to the girls room the family was visiting with the roommates and friends of this beautiful young girl. It was heart wrenching. All I could see was Halea. I just could not imagine the devastation that this family was feeling. The ripple effect of her life and now death was enormous. Her entire story was so amazing and heart breaking. The parents were so strong, shocked but still so strong. They brought their two little boys that were seven and four in to see if we could get them to hold her hand and do a hand mold. They started out by saying, "no way!". I kept kind of talking to them and then by some miracle they all of a sudden changed their minds. We quickly got them done. I was so proud of their courage. They overcame the fear of the unknown. I am sure they were touched in their hearts by the spirit that whispered that they would want these some day. I hope that they will understand the miracle of those hands one day. I was fortunate to have witnessed it. That night, as I drove home, I sobbed like a little baby. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. So grateful for my living children, so grateful for the opportunity that I had to hold both of our kids as they slipped from this world to the next. That is a blessing that I don't know why I got to have that, but I am forever grateful. I felt such a connection to this sweet family. I just wanted to help them and be a part of their "recovery". I hope that I can keep in touch with them and see how things turn out for their family. They have certainly left an imprint on my heart. <br />
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I will end with this final thought for the month. In August I was asked to give a talk at another ward in our stake, the ward that used to be a part of our ward until we split. So I know a lot of the people, and I was excited to get to speak to them. They asked me to share a message about being Anchored in Christ. I was excited about this topic, and humbled because I don't know how good I am at this particular subject. I know that I try, but am I really anchored in Him. As I started reading material and researching and pondering the topic, the idea that kept coming to me was how to become anchored. The how brought me to the fact that we must create an environment around us that allows the spirit to touch us and teach us how to be more anchored in Christ. If we are not constantly creating an environment of goodness around us, as an invitation to the spirit and a protection against all of the evil around us, then we will never be able to achieve true discipleship with the Savior, and be anchored to Him. I feel like for the past few years this has been a focus in my life. I have tried to be more careful about the media, the music, the friends, the activities that I spend time at, etc. I am so not perfect, but I am constantly trying to be engaged in creating a better environment for our home and around myself and my family. Oh how important this is. Sorry for that rant. While I was sitting at a table eating before I was to speak one of the ladies at the table was asking me about my family. I was telling her that our oldest daughter had just left for college. She said, "Oh you are just starting to understand what it's like to have children leave the home". I chuckled and said, "well, I think I am acquainted with that already". This poor lady didn't mean anything by her comment, and I didn't think that she knew about Tatum and Trevin, so I thought I could quietly jab her and not have her completely understand what i was saying. Then I saw her face and she said, "Oh I am so sorry I didn't mean that. Of course you know about that". Then I realized that she did know about Tatum and Trevin, and I felt really bad. Bad Heather!! I have since repented. The talk went better than I expected. I was having trouble organizing it. So I wrote the entire thing, word for word and then I decided to go to bullet points and just talk rather than read a written out talk. This is always a little scary for me, but I know that it is easier and funner for the audience, depending on how it goes I guess. I was on one that night, so I think that it went OK. Hopefully the message came across well. It was really fun for me to think about my own life and try to inspire all of us to do a little better. <br />
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Monday was the first day of school for Halea and myself. I brought Hilary to her "high school preschool". As we walked in the door her little friend from the neighborhood was sitting way on the others side of the room. When he saw her walk in the door he yelled across the room as he was grabbing her a chair, "over her Hilary I have a chair for you!". He is such a crack up. <br />
Halea seemed excited about her classes. My classes were good. In one of my classes I got my presentation assignment, "gender equality", a subject that I detest. That was no good, but there were a lot of other subjects that could have been worse. In another one of my classes my professor asked if everyone had siblings, because of the context I didn't raise my hand since my sister had died when I was 7 and she was 11. Essentially I grew up an only child, and what he was referring to was current. So he looked at me sadly and apologetically and said that his son didn't have siblings either. Wow, just wait til he finds out the rest of my story! In my last class we were doing some exercises in interviewing and the lady that I was working with asked about my family a few times, but it never came to a natural point that I felt like I could explain that I only have 5 kids alive. At some point it is going to come up. I fear that it is going to be really uncomfortable. Which is funny since all of my classes are with people that want to enter the field of Social Work. That makes me giggle a little.<br />
While I was at school Hayden went to pick Hilary up from preschool and when he walked in she just growled at him when he said hello. So the teacher told him that she couldn't let her go with him unless she showed recognition of him! So he was trying to get her to say that he was her brother for a few minutes, until finally she grumbled, "He's my brother". <br />
After Hayden got home I got a text from him saying that he wanted to go play tennis with some friends down at the high school but he wasn't sure what to do with Hilary. Before I could respond he sent me a text saying that they were going to take Hilary with them. Oh my. She is truly living the teenage life. I got home shortly after they got there. She was out on the courts talking to all of the girls high school team that were practicing, and all of Hayden's friends. I hope that she is not permanently damaged by the end of this year.<br />
By the time I got home I was really overwhelmed at everything that was going to be involved in completing the assignments in all of my classes. I was trying to deep breath and focus on the things that I have some control over. I was able to calm myself down and get dinner and spend some time with the fam. <br />
In the mail we got a few pictures from my cousin that their photographer took of Hilary.<br />
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sorry I don't know how to flip these pictures so they are easier to look at. She was really dancing it up on the dance floor with this complete stranger boy. It was hilarious. They were the hit of the dance party.<br />
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To close out the busy day Hayden asked a girl to Homecoming.<br />
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Once I got everyone to bed I decided I would start trying to figure out my online Statistics class. I have been really stressed about taking it on line. As I started sifting through the syllabus I was feeling a little better. I started working through the first few little assignments on the computer. Then the frustration began. There was a quiz on the syllabus that you have to get a perfect score on before you can begin the regular assignments. Well I kept getting 17/20 no matter what I did. After a lot of attempts (you can take it as many times as you need) I realized that you could view your previous attempts so you can see what you did wrong! Oh my. There may have been a few tears shed. This is the unfair advantage that the younger students have on me. Luckily I have a lot of life experience and I function well on very little sleep! I was able to complete everything and get to bed just past 1am. Yikes.<br />
Today was a good day. I was able to go to running with my friends, get some cleaning done and I got to go to my workout class. After the class I was getting Hilary in the van and this lady said to me "do you have a lot of kids?" Making a gesture towards our van. I paused for a minute and then I said "Well, we did. We bought it when we had our last daughter because with 6 kids it was hard for the older kids to climb over seats and things in our Navigator so we got this. But then she died last year and my oldest daughter moved away to college, we don't have a lot of need for it anymore so we are going to sell it." She nodded and said, "oh yeah, I thought you used to bring a little baby to class with you". Then she couldn't get in her car fast enough. I felt really bad for her. This conversation just never gets easier, for me or for those on the receiving end. I try as hard as I can to say all of it with a smile on my face and in a cheerful tone. Maybe that makes it worse?<br />
This morning as I was getting ready for the day I was thinking about the faces that we wear. I started wondering if I have painted too rosy of a picture of grieving. I haven't written about some of the really really hard feelings because they feel too personal. But I did want to make sure that I write, now that I can feel myself coming to the other side a little bit, that I understand how hard this is on a marriage and family. I hope that I have never put on the facade that this has been easy for Lance or myself. I totally understand how people get divorced during extreme times of grief. If I didn't have an eternal commitment to my marriage and my kids, I could have easily walked away from it all because there were days that were that hard. It is hard sometimes to reconcile what is going on between my brain and my heart and what I know is true. I totally understand why people get stuck in the hurt. That is where I feel comfortable. I don't like the fact that I am not sad all of the time anymore. I hate that I laugh, and feel joy. It feels like forgetting, even though I know that is not what it is. Grief is not for the faint of heart. The struggle of grief is real.<br />
With that said, I know that I can live and breathe and feel joy and happiness, and still love Tatum and Trevin as much as I did a year ago. As I said before, those feelings are just hard to reconcile. <br />
Tonight I went to my Child Welfare class. I think it is going to be my favorite class because I really like the teacher. He works for DCFS. He has a great sense of humor and he just presents material really well. At the end of class tonight he showed us a 13 minute on line video about Happiness. I thought it was so uplifting and reminded me, again, that we absolutely have a choice in our happiness. If you have a minute (or 13) google it and watch it. You won't be disappointed.<br />
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It's on Ted.com and the presenters name is Shawn AchorAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-71734870783847674582014-08-24T08:10:00.000-07:002014-08-24T08:10:29.156-07:00Ever So Grateful for Our Weird Perspective...Well, we did it. We got Halea off to college. That sounds so strange. I feel like I was able to hold my emotions together pretty well. It came in little waves of sadness, but I was able to suppress them for most of the day. Packing went pretty smooth and the ride up was fun. All of the kids came, one rather reluctantly because after all it was "the last day of summer". When they all came out to load in the van wearing their USU shirts, it made me smile. <br />
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We carried all of her belongings from home to her room and helped her get settled. We got to meet her roommate and she was really cute and nice. <br />
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Her cute room....<br />
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After we got her all settled we went and got something to eat and then we took her grocery shopping for a few more essentials, since she doesn't have a car.<br />
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I kept having severe waves of sadness, thinking about just leaving her there. We went and checked on a few last things and then we helped her bring in her groceries. She walked out to the front of her building with us to say our good byes. While she was holding Hilary, Hilary asked, "Can you take a picture of us (meaning her and Halea) so you don't forget me when I leave". Well, that got the water works rolling. It made me wonder if Hilary could understand that this leaving, this goodbye, this separation was not permanent like her separation with Tatum. (at least for the rest of our stay here on earth) It made me pretty sad for her because she is so little and doesn't quite understand everything having to do with time. Halea took a minute to say goodbye to each of her sibs. All of us were really crying by now. I think even Lance and Hayden cried. Unfathomable! It was so hard to just leave. I know that she will do fine. It is just weird to not know where she is and what she is doing at all times. Thanks to social media, we are still able to hear from her every day. She is great at sending me silly snap chats and we text back and forth several times a day. The other night I called her and everyone took a minute to talk to her. Thanks goodness for that. It's not quite like a mission, or death for that matter:) She has been sending me cute pictures of all of the food she is making. She is doing it. She starts her real classes on Monday. Fly girl, fly!!<br />
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Tuesday was the first day of school for all of the other kids, including Hilary. Are you kidding me? One to college, one to preschool all in 24 hours. Rude.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA9RjeKdqEPYgVSOPS2IXfy5wkHPbK625sJwzNHjo5HQUSTXlgrT60Ukcq5vxzEjjrfk4RKy-th9a2o38XtQtb68YnBmxglE8u3LVfVLgU7JtE5D2oB_SI8NjRIt_a_vsHfEtH5vCH0NPc/s1600/Halea+to+USU+2014+023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA9RjeKdqEPYgVSOPS2IXfy5wkHPbK625sJwzNHjo5HQUSTXlgrT60Ukcq5vxzEjjrfk4RKy-th9a2o38XtQtb68YnBmxglE8u3LVfVLgU7JtE5D2oB_SI8NjRIt_a_vsHfEtH5vCH0NPc/s1600/Halea+to+USU+2014+023.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a><br />
Tuesday Hilary and I went to lunch with one of my friends and her son. We were sitting across from each other and so were the kids. I wasn't really listening to what they were talking about because I was talking to my friend. All of a sudden Hilary stood up, put her hands on the table, leaned across the table and shouted "Halea did not die. Tatum and Trevin died. Halea went to college!" Word. He must have asked if Halea was gone or died. That will teach him! I guess that answers the question of whether she understands the difference between being gone for college and being gone forever.<br />
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That night we went to Lance's work party at Murray park. Last year it seems like the party was just a few days after Tatum died. We still went. I don't know why. So it was weird to be back there. It is also the same park that we did a fundraiser for Mitochondrial disease a few years before we had Tatum. It is just always a little strange to be back there. It was weird to be without Tatum and now Halea. <br />
On Wednesday morning Hilary and I got to go to a funeral. I know I have said this before, but I really like to go to a good funeral. Well this one was amazing. I knew it would be because the parents of this sweet little baby were so together. Their faith and foundation in the gospel was astounding. They had a grateful attitude that just permeated where ever they were. At the sign in book they had a little bowl of mints and chocolates, so of course the meeting was off to a good start for Hilary. After the opening prayer there was a little bit of silence, just enough for people to hear Hilary announce, "eww this is dark chocolate, with a nut. I don't want this mom". Gotta love her honesty. The lady next to me just smiled. The funeral was beautiful, both parents spoke. The father of the baby and his family (parents and siblings) all sang a beautiful hymn acapella that was amazing. You could tell that they used music as a very important means of worship in their home. Then their sweet bishop got up to add a few closing remarks. He said he felt that it was no coincidence that he had been called as bishop just the Sunday before, so he would be able to officiate at this service. He then told us that he and his wife had lost a little baby eight years before. He added some very appropriate comments that just added to the spirit of the meeting. I left feeling so lucky to have attended such a spiritual feast. To see people grateful and aware of blessings from Heaven, even amidst such difficult circumstances. It was inspiring. That night I asked Hilary if she wanted to bring me some books to read. What book did she bring me? The printed book of our blog. We looked through several of the posts and looked at the zoo pictures. After several pages she lost interest and took off. I, however, read for several more pages. There were things in there that I had totally forgotten. It was so hard to read and remember how bad Tate's seizures were. Poor little thing really suffered. It broke my hear a little. I wonder if I was willing her to stay just a little longer. I so did not want to let her go, even though I knew how sick she was. I just wanted more time. I just wanted her to be near. I still don't understand how my heart has continued to beat. I was so grateful that Hilary brought me that book, so I could remember those tender feelings. <br />
Thursday night was a girls night out event at one of the hospitals that I work for so I coerced my good friend into coming with me. <br />
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The keynote speaker was Todd Hansen. If you have not heard of him, he does a show for KBYU called The Story Trek. It is seriously such an intriguing show. All he does is randomly knock on peoples doors and if they will let him in, he interviews them while filming. Totally just a surprise encounter. His mantra is "everyone has a story". I could sit and watch hours and hours of his show. I love to listen to the different stories. They are just "ordinary" people, but you see that everyone has things that make them unique and that all of them have pivotal moments in their lives that put them on the path that they end up on. It is cool to see how choices affect their stories. His talk was super great and inspiring. After the speaker we went and walked around the booths that they had set up with different vendors. Along the way we saw lots of people we knew from work and from the community. It was really fun. We even got to meet the guys from this radio show that Halea listens to. I had to get a picture and send it to her of course!<br />
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After the booths we got our food and sat down at a table. As we were sitting there I recognized this lady that I knew from the hospital. She had lost a sweet little baby girl about 4 years ago. Sometimes in my work I meet people that I just really click with, personality wise and spirit wise. She is one of those. After Tatum died she came by to visit me. She brought me the cutest "box of sunshine". In it was the Hilary Weeks CD that I have completely obsessed over and worn out. So she and her friend sat down and we were chatting. Then she told me that she had a new baby. I was so happy for her. It is never good to end your family with a baby dying. I feel like my arms will never stop feeling empty. Then later she asked me if I knew of anyone who could do her hand mold. I thought she was kidding. When I realized she wasn't I told her that I could do it. That I wanted to do it. That I insisted on doing it. She seemed shocked that I wanted to do it. She said that it was so ironic that I would be here tonight because she had just googled that day to see if she could find someone to do her baby's hand mold because all of her kids have one, including her little girl that died, which I did for them. Not a coincidence. See, the Lord cares. Even about the little things and concerns in our lives. I think that is amazing.<br />
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Friday. School Orientation. Ugh. Yeah, it's going to be as hard as I thought. I know that we can do this, it's just going to take a lot of patience on all of our parts. (this is where I hope that my family is reading my blog) I had a little bit of anxiety going into the day. The BSW program puts you in a cohort, which means that for the next two years I will be in the essentially the same classes with these same 53 students. Which is going to be fun, but I started realizing about Thursday that we would probably have to do introductions of ourselves, team building exercises, etc. I mean what else are they going to do with us for 5 hours! And I was right. The first "get to know you game" was one called I've Never. Each person at the table gets 6 pennies. You go around the circle trying to say something that you have never done, but you think that everyone else has done. For example "I've never been to Disneyland". That is something that you would assume most people have done, but if you haven't then that would be a way to get people to have to put a penny in the middle. If you have done the thing that a person says they haven't you put a penny in the middle. The last one holding a penny wins. I was out in the first round. I am way older than most of these kids and so I have done EVERYTHING! It was funny to hear all of the things that people haven't done. Maybe they were lying. One lady said that she had never been to the beach. What?? Luckily we just took our basic introductions from that information. We were told to pair up with someone at our table and tell one or two facts about them from what we had learned. So the girl I was paired with wrote down that I had been to Europe and the countries we went while we were there. But randomly she asked me how many kids I had. When I said 7 I think I saw her eyes pop out of her head. When she did the introduction and said that I had 7 kids everyone in the room gasped. It was pretty funny, and nice that I didn't have to give any further explanation. <br />
As I was heading home I was feeling really overwhelmed. When I pulled into the house I saw that the lawn hadn't been mowed, even though I had told Hayden that it needed to be done right when he got home. Then I walked in the kitchen and saw a mountain of dishes and dirty counters. I was really frustrated. A little while later I was sitting at the computer trying to figure out my school books and I kept hearing a ball bouncing on the back of the house. Our windows were open so I yelled to whoever it was to stop a few times. A few minutes later Heidi came in hysterically crying. I thought something terrible had happened. She said, " I shattered our window". Wow. This day was quickly getting worse and worse. I told her that I had said to stop bouncing the ball. She said how sorry she was. I told her that it was fine because this was a window that had a problem with it so it needed to be replaced anyway. I just wish that she hadn't kept bouncing the ball.<br />
By night time we were all pretty exhausted, but we had one more thing to go to. Our orthodontist does a patient appreciation party every year at the Lindon pool. And every year it rains and thunders and lightnings. I always feel so bad for them so I try and go and support. We didn't go last year, so I felt like we really needed to go. Heidi and Holden were not super excited to go, especially because it was windy and raining and cold out. I loaded Hilary and the other two in the car and off we went. The weather appeared to be better in Lindon when we got there. We got inside and put our raffle tickets in the bucket. We went straight to the cotton candy. Just as we were going to try and find a spot to sit and possibly get in the pool their was lightning so they called everyone out of the pool and we had to stand by the building. We waited for several minutes, the entire time I was wondering why I was staying. This day was a bust, I should just go home. Just then they announced that we would not be able to get in the water and they were closing the pool for the night. They had several more prizes to raffle off so they started those as we were packing up to leave. Just then they called Heidi Walker. She won this adorable beach cruiser. I was soooo happy for her. Poor thing needed something good to turn her day around. What a crazy day. Thanks to the best orthodontist, SmilePerfect Dr. Arnold!<br />
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I am really grateful for the perspective that I have. I do not love the way that I have earned it, but I know that it couldn't have been done in any other way. I am grateful that I appreciate a good funeral, and that Hilary gets to feel that spirit too. I am grateful for the strangely rewarding career that I have been a part of for 14 years. I am so grateful for the amazing people that I get to be with, at the most devastating time in their lives. It has profoundly changed me. I am grateful to know that there are no coincidences. I am forever grateful that my good friend encouraged me two weeks into Tatum's illness to write down our story. I hope that I have done it justice and that our kids will read it and know of our love for our Savior and for all of the tender mercies that we received during that time and throughout our daily lives before and since. I am grateful for my own story, even though it is not always comfortable to shareAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-27107523603066235232014-08-17T22:17:00.000-07:002014-08-17T22:17:44.907-07:00NO MORE CHANGE...Well, the day has finally arrived. It is the eve of us bringing Halea up to Utah State to go to college. A year ago when we went to Logan for the tour of the campus, this day seemed so far away. How has it been a year since then? So many changes since then. It just doesn't seem fair that she is leaving just a little over a year after Tatum left. That is too many chickens leaving the coop, if you ask me the mother hen! It is just our nature, as moms, to want to keep those little chicks under our wings, am I right? I know that this is the day that we have been working towards, as parents, since she was brand new. We want her to go out and learn and grow and succeed and explore and make a difference in the world. It just seemed like that day was so far away, 18 years ago.<br />
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Halea was such a grumpy little baby and toddler, I wasn't sure how we would get along when she got older. I have been so lucky. She has been a delight. I remember when people would say that they loved their teenagers and I would remember myself as a teenager and I would think, "how?!". Now I know. She has been a great daughter, friend, big sister, lunch pal and example. <br />
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Always the cons emit sister:<br />
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She has been by my side during one of the most difficult trials of my life. She has been a pillar of strength during the past few years. We have laughed and cried a million times together. One of the things that I struggle with, is that I know that our relationship will never be quite the same. I am sure in some ways it will get better. It is just always sad to close a chapter in our lives. <br />
Another struggle is that I know that bad things happen, despite your best efforts. No one is exempt. My mind wanders into the crazy thoughts of all of the bad things that could happen to her while she is away. So I am trying to stop planning her funeral, cause that's just what you do when you know that kids die.<br />
I am so excited for her to go and make her mark on the world. I am excited to see what she does with her life, I know it is going to be amazing. I am trying not to be too dramatic because I know that I can still call her I can still visit her. She can still be in family photos, which is not the case with my other two renegades! I am grateful for those things. It just comes down to, I am really going to miss her. She is a really fun person to be around.<br />
She finally got around to cleaning her room out YESTERDAY! As she was, she found this "mission statement" that she had written when she was 13 years old. It was so mature and amazing. She has truly stuck to everything that she said. It really amazed me. I was so proud of who she knew she wanted to be when she was just 13, and the fact that she has really stayed true to that path. It really says something for writing things down. <br />
Exciting times are ahead for Halea. I am excited to be a part of the ride. Look out world!!<br />
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Last week I went to San Diego for my grandmas funeral. My cousin and I decided that neither of us were going to bring our families, so we would share a hotel and car so it would be less expensive. It really turned out to be such a fun weekend, even though it was centered around a funeral. That sounds horrible. I think that my grandma would have loved that my cousin and I were able to spend a lot of time together and get to strengthen our friendship and bond. My grandma was 94 years old and she had fallen a few days before she died. She was just rehabilitating for a few days before she was to go back to her assisted living room. She was dancing and living it up in the rehab center. One night she went to bed and just didn't wake up. What a lucky duck. I am grateful that she got to go out that way, no real suffering.<br />
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The first day in San Diego was our work day. We went and cleaned out my grandmas assisted living room. She was a complete minimalist so it was super easy. It was neat to look through the things that meant something to her, the things that she had actually saved. <br />
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grandmas cute little room<br />
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Her desk, where she would take notes while we talked on the phone with her, so she could be sure to remember all of the things that we talked about.<br />
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My cousin accidentally showed up in a rental Camero! Moms gone wild.<br />
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Day two: I got a few days of running on the beach. For some reason running on the beach is a lot funner than in the mountains at 5000 feet altitude. Go figure? Going to the beach and listening to the ocean, smelling the fresh air and enjoying the beauty all around truly saved my life while I was growing up. When I was in High School I would go and just sit at the beach and contemplate life. My soul still longs for that place. It was a great recharge of my internal battery to be there and feel the peace that I feel when I am there.<br />
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Ice cream and boogie boarding (not pictured, you're welcome) at the beach. Doesn't get any better than that...<br />
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Or does it. That night we went to dinner at a restaurant directly on the beach. The food was delicious. The company was wonderful. And the scenery, need I say more!<br />
Day 3 involved a 6 dollar concert with my other cousin/step brother (long story) and his wife and my mom. Yep, doesn't get any better than a concert with your mom! Counting Crows did not disappoint. <br />
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Sunday was nice and relaxing. Monday was grandmas funeral. It was a nice tribute to her and her life and legacy. It will be strange to not see her or have our little conversations on the phone any more. It is always, no matter how old, strange when someone you've known all your life is suddenly gone. She had been around so long, I just never thought of her being gone. Rest in Peace grandma.<br />
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Tonight we took a Sunday drive to the hospital so I could pick up any shirt orders for our T-Time foundation hike on September 1st. Several of the nurses bought shirts and some are coming to the hike. I hope that the weather is good and we can raise a lot of money to help families in need with funeral costs. I drug everyone down because none of them had been down to see the "big" picture of Tatum that is now hanging on Labor and Delivery. When we walked through the double doors Hilary looked up and said "Oh, Tatum". It melted my heart. She has stopped insisting that we pray for Tatum and Trevin to gain weight anymore. She used to freak out if we didn't say it. For the past month or so, if we forget, she doesn't say anything. I say it anyway, but no one else usually does. It makes me sad, but I have to let her do her grieving in her own way. She has to be able to let go some of the hurt, and that's OK. She is starting preschool in a few days, and I just had the thought that I had better tell the teachers about Tatum and Trevin so they don't think that she has imaginary friends or a strange understanding of death. <br />
We went to Heidi's and Holden's back to school day a few days ago. It is so hard to go places where some people know your story and others don't. It's hard either way. Some don't know what to say to you and others don't know what has happened to you. <br />
I start school a week from Tuesday. That will be another huge change. I am not looking forward to some of the uncomfortable situations to come, but I have to be true to who I am. Tatum and Trevin are a huge part of who I am, period. The reason I can go back to school right now is because Tatum is no longer here. I hate that, but I have to honor that fact also. <br />
I hope that there are no more big changes in our lives for awhile. I am all about growth that comes from change, but I feel like I have grown all that I want to for now. <br />
Wish us luck for tomorrow.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-15276918035146145302014-08-07T00:22:00.001-07:002014-08-07T00:23:16.637-07:00We Are All the Pink Flower...Do you ever feel like you are in a washing machine and you can't get out? I feel a little like that these days. I think if I can make it through August I can get out. At least I hope. <br />
We have had an eventful few weeks.<br />
Holden got his braces off , at least for a little while. He will get them back on probably in December. He is enjoying his reprieve.<br />
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My niece and her family have been visiting from Switzerland. A few months ago she said that she would love to help me make a quilt out of Tatum's clothes. I was excited, but hesitant to think about cutting up her clothes. I was so grateful for the offer and I know that she really just wanted to do something for us. I had seen people do that with their kids clothes before so I knew that I would like it if I could just get past the letting go of her clothes. I kept wanting to go through her clothes and figure out which ones I was going to be able to use, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I waited til the morning she was coming. That's about right for me. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to just open her drawer and touch her clothes. As I started pulling out each sweet little outfit, memories started flooding my mind. To touch them felt so strange. How could she have worn these little tiny clothes. She seemed so much bigger to me. How could it have been over a year ago that I was able to get her dressed. I tried to be brave and just dive into the looking. It was hard not to relive every memory of her in her clothes. Why such an attachment to clothes? I came up with a pretty good pile of clothes that I felt I could use. Some of them I decided to just use the backs so I could still keep the fronts of the shirts. I decided that there was no way that I could cut up my favorite outfit of hers, or her Don't Bug Me jammies. Luckily after Tates died I purchased every pair of pajamas and every little outfit that they had at WalMart. I wasn't sure what I would do with them, but I just wanted them. I donated a lot of the jammies, but I had several pair left over. My niece was encouraged with the pile that I brought down. But then I went through the stack again, and I wavered again on what I could part with. We still came up with plenty for the project. Before she got started I asked her if it was OK if we didn't do a quilt, but a pillow for each of the kids to have, that I could give them at Christmas time. She liked the idea and so she got started on our secret project. She put a lot of work in to cutting and pressing and organizing and sewing. I just can't believe that she spent all of that time. It was really fun to visit while she sewed. I think that the pillow fronts turned out super cute. I think the kids will be happy with them.<br />
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While we were going through Tater Bugs clothes we came across her cute Brobie shirt. She wore this on one of her last days. It should have been pretty big on her, but her poor little tummy was so swolen, it was almost tight on her. I told Hilary that it was Tatum's shirt, but she insisted on putting it on. She squoze herself right into it! We got a good laugh out of it. It was an 18 month size!<br />
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Hilary got her cast off. It was a little traumatic. The mesh inside had started to irritate her skin so it was sort of stuck to the skin, so the skin was really read and sore. Poor little girl. She tried to be brave, but I could tell it was really hurting her. She was pretty upset in the office. One of our doctors called us a few hours after we got home to check and see how she was doing. fortunately she has little kid super healing skin. Within a day she was bending it normally and using her arm as if she had never had a cast. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpkwNcyhY2vTW6spkKmQiO0VAJzO2JJ6ChurCRv23sVrXjzDJB7LATak2b49lN-DmN8NckZNVw-h_Zt-2b0IKcf3SNEZVlHYa2rUK4QAcwUKAor7SZGX-z0ntnQ4twLZbYrpXHFrqTOgsy/s1600/August+Iphone+pics+2014+009.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpkwNcyhY2vTW6spkKmQiO0VAJzO2JJ6ChurCRv23sVrXjzDJB7LATak2b49lN-DmN8NckZNVw-h_Zt-2b0IKcf3SNEZVlHYa2rUK4QAcwUKAor7SZGX-z0ntnQ4twLZbYrpXHFrqTOgsy/s1600/August+Iphone+pics+2014+009.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a>One day last week I decided to try and be a nice mom and take Holden and one of his friends to the last place in the world that I ever want to go to, Trafalga. For those who don't know what this is, it is like the fun centers from the eighties. They are over crowded, loud, smelly, filthy, over priced, run by teenagers, etc. I brought Hilary to be my little buddy while Holden and his friend ran around and played games and laser tag. They have a little play ground area that has slides and climbing things so Hilary decided to go there first. As I walked in all I could see were strollers and babies everywhere. I mean, this is Utah county, but this was ultra concentrated. There were several mom's sitting there watching there kids. I was sort of sitting next to a lady who tried a few times to make small talk. I felt rude, but I was in no mood to make small. I didn't want to answer questions about my kids or family, that seem to inevitably come up at places like this. Why do people think they need to know all of this? Some days I just don't want my story to be different. But it is. Hilary really wanted to go on this ride. She looked like she was about to burst into tears, but she muscled through and over came her fears. After she got off the first time, she waited a few minutes, but then she asked if she could ride it again. That's my girl.</div>
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July has been ice cream month, so I have felt it was my patriotic duty to participate and fully commit to celebrating right. It's almost like Costco knew it was ice cream month because they put all of their awesome ice cream bars on sale!! Curse them. One day after a really hard day at the hospital I decided to splurge and get a shake from the hospital. I don't think I have had one of their shakes since Tatum was sick. Definitely the best shake I have had. I finished every last drop!</div>
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This last Sunday our family visiting from Switzerland came and stayed over night with us. On Sunday night we drove to the cemetery and walked around for quite awhile looking at headstones. Normal right? It was kind of them to show an interest in going to see their grave. It was so much fun getting to visit with them all. I wish that they lived closer.<br />
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I woke up with a bad feeling about Monday. It was confirmed by 7:30am. I got bit by our neighbor dog, who was on a leash! They owners are very responsible dog owners, so I felt really bad for him. It really shocked me because it happened so fast and then I was totally bleeding everywhere! The rest of the day kept right in line with the beginning of the day. </div>
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A few days ago Hilary got this getup on and asked me if she looked like a mom. Yes, right down to the plastic high heels and wide opened mouth, head tilted to the side, hip slightly out! she kills me.</div>
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a few months ago I planted these pretty little flowers that someone gave us. For the first little bit I thought these flowers would never make it. They looked awful for a few weeks, and most of their flowers had sort of died. I tried to baby them, give them extra water and just hope that they would be OK. After a few weeks they really started to flourish. Then a few days ago I went out to these pretty yellow flowers and found this? A random pink flower. Or is it random? It was funny because I got so excited when I saw it. I thought it was so cool and unusual. It looked nothing like the other flowers, yet it was beautiful. Some might have cut the pink flower out because it might mean imperffection, but it made me feel happy. I think that I feel a little bit like this flower. I am standing where there should be a lot of yellow flowers and I am the pink, alone and often isolated in my grief and pain. I know that everyone feels and sees my differences and most times I don't want them to. Some days I just don't want my story to be different, I don't always want to be the pink flower. The irony is that all of us are essentially the pink flower. We all have parts of our stories that are hard and difficult and that we wish were different. </div>
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We have had several boys in our neighborhood leave for missions, and come home from missions this past week. It has been really hard for me. I thought that it was probably just because it is hard to see other families get to be whole again after their son or daughter has been gone for two years. Our family will never be whole, and that is hard to ever accept. Then I started thinking that maybe it is because Trevin would have probably been coming home about this time from his mission. But he is not coming home. I am always so happy to see these young men and women come home and see the changes in them, so I hate the feelings that creep into my mind. I just miss my kids and I know that will never stop. </div>
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I fly out to San Diego tomorrow for my grandmas funeral. I am terrified of flying, and this time I am going alone. Tonight I treated myself to a Haagen Daas ice cream bar just in case it's my last! If I died tomorrow I would want people to know and remember a few things about me: I loved the Lord and had a testimony of His atoning sacrifice that worked miracles in my life every day. That I know that I have never carried any of my burdens alone. He has always been by my side. That I loved my family beyond measure. That I tried to have fun and live life to its fullest. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-20911393792676736782014-07-27T22:27:00.000-07:002014-07-27T22:27:02.405-07:00Missing My Innocence...This has been a hard few weeks. Sometimes time helps you to heal, but it also brings great anxiety and sadness of the reality. To think that I have not seen Tatum for over a year now makes my heart just so heavy, it is hard to bare. The other day Hilary was walking up the stairs with two of our neighbors and she just casually said, "Tatum died and it was a long time ago." From the mouths of babes. It seems like an eternity. <br />
I am grateful for Hilary and her willingness to say it like it is. When we were in our doctors office she told the cute young nurses that Tatum and Trevin liked Yo Gabba Gabba, but they died. They were a little stunned. I told them that she had two siblings that died and so that is her reality. I tried not to do it apologetically, because that is her reality and I don't want her to ever feel embarrassed to talk about them. I was really just trying to make them not feel so uncomfortable. It was kind of funny.<br />
Then the other day Halea and I were talking and she said that she thinks about dieing in a car accident all of the time and it scares her. She said that it would be so strange to one day be here and in a split second not be here. What teenager ever thinks about their own mortality? Most of them think that they are invincible. Again, this is her reality. She knows that anything is possible and that people die. Even young people. Well that just broke my heart. I think about all of my kids dieing. I try really hard to not, but it is always there. I didn't have a lot of days where I didn't know that this was a reality. My sister died when I was 7 so I have always known that even young people die. As the years went by and we started our own family my sisters death was such a long time ago that I don't remember having anxious feelings about Trevin. Luckily he fixed that all up for me and brought all of that reality back to the surface for me! Stinker. I only had a little time when I didn't know that this could be a reality. Sometimes I miss not knowing.<br />
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I have so been missing having a baby. I know that Tatum would have been two, and not a baby. But when she died she was still essentially totally dependant on us for everything. I just miss her, and taking care of her. It seems as though everywhere I go I see babies. It's like I live in Utah County, baby capital of the world, or something. I can't seem to escape it and if I don't see the baby, Hilary is quick to point them out for me. Every one!! Which, again , is pretty heart wrenching. Today we went to a different church and she was pointing out all of these adorable babies, all of which I had already noticed. One of the families had three older boys and then this sweet little newborn girl. They were taking turns holding her. I saw Hayden look in their direction a few times. I wondered if he was thinking what I was thinking. Oh the aching.<br />
On Friday night Lance and I went to dinner. While we were standing in line there was a cute little baby girl in front of us. He said something about how cute she was and I wondered about what he thinks. Is he having these hard thoughts and feelings like I do. I have had a hard time talking to him about it sometimes. He is such a positive person. Never can he see the negative. I don't want him to think that I am crazy, and I don't want him to put a positive spin on some of the feelings I have. I don't want them to be "fixed" right now and that is sometimes a mans tendency. My thoughts are just too tender right now. <br />
The other night I was out visiting with a family from the hospital. They are pregnant with a baby that has a chromosomal disorder that is usually a fatal condition. We had an amazing conversation with them. I was so impressed with where they already are in their acceptance of this challenge in their life. They have done a lot of hard work to start dealing with a lot of their emotions and grief. As we were ending our visit the mom said something that struck me. She said, " I don't just want to survive this. I want to learn and grow from this experience. I want to be changed. I want to be better. I want something good to come from it all. I want my kids to know this baby and the impact he has had on our lives". (paraphrased). Those are my sentiments exactly. I have been thinking a lot about her thoughts.<br />
Then today in Sunday school we were reading in 1 Kings about Elijah and the widow. He goes to the widow and in a nutshell gives her last bit of food to him, and he promises her that if she feeds him first that her flour will never run out again. She has the faith to accept his words and this promise. Then when her son dies, she has the faith and belief that he can bring her son back, and he does. We still speak and study this woman's faith. She shone in the face of adversity. She demonstrated immeasurable faith. In our Relief Society class that followed, we talked about our own legacy that we are leaving for our families. What is the legacy that I want to leave? I hope that it is just this. I want my family to know that we can do hard things, and still be happy and live and love life. Because we don't get the exact answer or miracle in life that we were hoping for does not shake our faith in the knowledge and truth that is knit in our hearts. I hope that decades from now, we are still feeling the ripple effect that these experiences with Tatum and Trevin have had in our lives. I want us to all be better for what we have learned.<br />
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We found out on Friday that my grandma died. My grandma was not your typical grandma. She wasn't always the nicest person when she was younger. I didn't have great memories of her growing up. As I got into adulthood, I was able to form my own relationship with her. Although she and I didn't see eye to eye on all issues, we did on a lot. She was a devout Republican and stayed up on politics until she died. She was a proud American and she always voted early. As she got older, she got a little softer and a lot nicer. This was a fun transformation to see. She was definitely one that got better with age, like cheese! It is weird when someone reaches the age of 94 and they have been around your entire life, to all of a sudden have them gone. I will miss our funny little conversations. I know that she was met by lots of relatives that have been waiting for her arrival on the other side. I am sure there is a great celebration going on. She never got to meet Tatum, so I am happy that they are getting reacquainted. <br />
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It was Lances birthday this month..<br />
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Pioneer day our entire family went to Provo and ran a 5k, from the Provo temple to the new Provo Center street temple that is under construction. Such a fun course...<br />
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Then we went to "Lehi city Foam day". They bring in these big machines that spray foam out on the grass for two hours. You can go out and slide around int the foam and then go spray off in the fire hoses that they have set up. It was a great activity for a really hot day...<br />
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This is what the teenagers did at foam day..<br />
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And this was Hilary's favorite part of foam day.. cotton candy. Eating it like an apple! That's my girl..<br />
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And then to Halea's favorite pass time.... snow cones.<br />
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Saturday morning we went to the Salt Lake farmers market with my niece and her husband. it was really fun. We found some unique things and people there. <br />
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Then we went to get some school shoes. Found these cutest shoes for Hilary. She thinks they are tap shoes, so she will wear them. Whatever it takes. (Her addition to top off the entire look...Hello Kitty socks of course!) Again, whatever it takes to get her to wear them.<br />
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And finally, we have been celebrating ice cream MONTH with these little numbers. Thanks Costco...Simply amazing.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-63525762778356519142014-07-17T13:10:00.000-07:002014-07-27T21:36:23.235-07:00What About the Answer I Want?....Do you ever feel like you never get the answer that you want. It seems to be a theme that has run throughout my life. When I was young, I wanted my sister to live. That was not the answer I got. I wanted to live with two parents, didn't happen. I wanted to be able to keep my old friends after I joined the church, but most couldn't accept the changes in my life. I wanted Trevin to live, desperately. I was so happy to take care of him for the rest of my life if he needed me to. It was not to be. The list goes on, culminating with Tatum. I just wanted her to not be sick, I knew the outcome of Alpers already. But, again, I knew it was not to be my answer. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not complaining, just making observation. I also recognize that there are many more times that my answer has been what I was looking for. It just seems like a lot of my big questions, pleadings if you will , have not been answered the way I wanted. This has taught me a lot of things along the road. It has made me pretty flexible and I hope that it has made me more faithful. It has helped me to understand that I am really not in charge of my life, there is definitely a higher power that is guiding and directing things to help me become who I should become. Sometimes it is just a little frustrating.<br />
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A few years before we had Hilary and Tatum, I researched foster parenting. I felt like we could offer a good , fairly stable home to kids in need. Lance was a little hesitant, not really on the same page. Then we decided to try and have these last two babies, and the idea got put on the back burner. A few months after Tates died I started revisiting this idea. I really wanted to try fostering kids with disabilities. Again, Lance was not as excited as me. This was a real disappointment to me. I really wanted to at least investigate the opportunity. But I knew that I could not do it without Lance's full support. Then a few months later some changes in my work led me to start thinking about school. I got on line and did some research and coincidentally, or not, the program that I have always wanted to go back and complete had just opened up for an extra period of time to apply for fall 2014. When I brought this idea to Lance he was more than supportive. He doesn't always take to change, but he didn't even hesitate a little bit. So that was my answer. Again, not what I wanted. I wanted to hang out at the house and take care of foster babies. Instead I have started back to school to earn my Bachelor degree in Social Work. Maybe I can fix myself in the process:) I have already started taking a summer class that is a prerequisite for entering the program, which I will do in the fall. I am really excited, but really scared and overwhelmed. Which is always the emotions that seem to come with the answers that I get.<br />
I have been working feverishly this summer to get some things around the house done so that I will be able to really concentrate on the things that I have to when fall comes. Our guest room has always bugged me. It was done in all neutral colors and it was just depressing every time I walked by it. One of my friends consulted with me on what changes I could make to cheer it up a little and I am so happy with it!<br />
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There is a really cute orange table that the TV sits on that is my favorite part. It is amazing what a few little changes can do to brighten things up.<br />
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This was us on our way to our big 4th of July celebration. Halea's plane got cancelled from the night before so she missed all of our traditional celebrations until fireworks that night. It was sad to not have her with us.<br />
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Hilary was being her usual independent self, getting her plate and cup out of the cupboard and she fell right off of the counter on to her elbow. She learned the word "Fractured" now. She was in a splint for a week then she got this awesome pink cast the day before we left for our trip to Coeur d Alene for my cousins wedding. She is holding up her sticker and sucker that she also scored from the doctor.<br />
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We arrived in beautiful Coeur d Alene on Thursday. <br />
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We hung out at the lake and rented a few paddle boards for the kids to try. So fun.<br />
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Hilary got a pretty good scrape on her foot and was really crying, until Halea saved the day and ran down the ice cream man in her swimsuit and flip flops! Crying cured.<br />
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Teenagers enjoying the boat.<br />
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Heidi is on the tube in the back of the boat. <br />
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We may have outgrown having one hotel room. Teenage waste land.<br />
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Hayden being a good big brother.<br />
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Perfecting the drip castles at Hayden lake. Hilary's favorite pass time.<br />
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This was the boat cruise to the wedding ceremony. Beautiful girls<br />
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Arrived at the ceremony, Lake Coeur d Alene in the background. What a stunning place.<br />
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Hilary enjoying her beverage.<br />
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boys being boys..<br />
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Sisters being sisters...<br />
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Hilary scored the best gift bag for the boat ride reception. Complete with 5 different play doughs!! <br />
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Good night sun...<br />
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Boys lighting fireworks, girl not realizing that there was ash on her hand and touching her face. She looked like a chimney sweep!</div>
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We had a great family trip to Idaho. It felt nice to all be together. The feeling of missing people in the family is just never going to go away. It is hard to enjoy myself sometimes when I think about how hard or impossible this would have been if Tatum were here. She could not have tolerated this trip, at all. She was way too fragile. I would trade it all to have her here. </div>
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I have had several bouts of flash backs lately. When I had to bring Hilary in for her splint I felt super emotional pulling into the parking lot of my doctors office. It just seems so surreal how it all happened with Tatum. That day seems like an out of body experience. How did I know to take her in? I know the answer to that, but really? What a miracle. How did it all happen so fast? How have I survived it all? Why am I still breathing, how is my heart still beating being so broken? Both times that we went to the office we ended up in the "treatment" room, which is directly where they brought us when I brought Tates in to the office on that February day. </div>
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Then the other night I was walking through Walmart and I passed by the toddler clothing section. I hate to admit it, but that is where I got a lot of Tates clothes. I usually only had time to go out late at night once everyone was settled for the night and Lance was home. So I found a lot of cute things for her there. When I pass by the clothes I try not to glance over and wonder what I might have bought her. That sounds so superficial and weird, but I think about it and it makes me sad.</div>
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We have family that came in for one of Lance's sisters 50th wedding anniversary. All five of their kids and their families came, from all over the world. Some we have only seen a few times in our married life, but because of social media we feel like we all know each other. It was really fun to get together with them and hang out and talk. Obviously some of them had questions about and wanted to talk about Tatum. Lance's sister had a baby that died two days after birth, and one of their sons and his wife have never been able to have kids. So we had a nice talk catching up. I just feel like I have been so much more emotional about things lately. I wish I could have a little more control over when and where things happen. I just never know when the conversation is going to come up, or how it is going to affect me. </div>
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I was listening to a conference talk a few days ago that was really comforting. It was called "Fear Not; I am with Thee" from the April Conference. Some of the talk was about prayers being answered and how close our Heavenly Father is to us, and how aware He is of us and our worries. I know this. Sometimes I forget, though. So it was good to listen and be reminded. It got me thinking about all of the prayers that have been heard and answered in my own life. Some quicker than others, and not always how I think they should be , answered none the less. I am so grateful for the evidences that I have seen in my life of this power we call prayer. I loved the C.S. Lewis quote that she stated in her talk: "I pray because I can't help myself....I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God. It changes me." No more profound statement. We are changed as we pray and receive and see answers. I am changed, even if I don't always get the answer I think I want.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-39965156154328543382014-07-06T07:08:00.000-07:002014-07-06T07:08:37.227-07:00We All Have Our Cross to Bare....This seems to have been a reoccurring theme for the past week or so, and it all came to a head this weekend. The weekend started off with a nice run in the morning. As I was watering plants and doing some quick weeding I hear this weird noise coming from behind me, over my neighbors house. I turned around to see this enormous hot air balloon floating just above our houses. We see them often on the weekends during the summer, but I have never seen one this close. It was fascinating. When I went to the back of the house the balloon followed and it flew really low right over our back yard. All of a sudden I heard Heidi talking to Hilary. They had their window open in their bedroom. Heidi had seen it and so she woke Hilary up to show her the balloon. It was so cute. So it ended up landing right past our back yard in this big field. I have never seen one land there. I was so fascinated with the entire thing. It was just a cool thing to get the day started. <br />
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The weekend continued with a funeral on Saturday morning. Funerals are always a reminder of the fragile state of life that we are all in, this family now has their own new cross to bare. The funeral was for one of our patients from the hospital that unexpectedly lost their baby. It was a very sad and tender service.<br />
Then Heidi and I went up to Salt Lake to get pedicures with my niece. Sunday was Lance's sisters birthday. She died almost two years ago, so we got pedicures because that is what we did on her last birthday here on earth. It was fun to reminisce and think about what a great influence she has had on all of our lives. We sure miss her. The world just isn't as pretty without her. It gives me comfort to know that she is taking care of Trevin and Tatum for us. I am sure it is a real party with her there. (side note, these were the best pedicures ever!! I have only had a handful, but these ladies knew how to do it right. They massaged our legs and did such a good job on our toes. It was fantastic. Heidi was so cute and appreciative and happy to be there).<br />
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Sunday morning Hayden and I went to one of Halea's friends missionary farewells. He and two of his siblings that are the same age as Hayden and Heidi all went to the charter school together. They are an awesome family and our kids have been friends with each other since the beginning at Mountainville when Halea and their son were in 5th grade. They too have had their cross to bare. Their oldest son has had issues for several years. He got into a rough crowd of friends and stopped going to church and began his struggles with drugs. When we got to the church I noticed that he was not there. I was sad to think that he would miss his brother speaking. Just as he stood up to give his talk, his brother walked in and slid in to the bench, sitting next to his family. That started all of my emotions. Then this young man gave the most heart felt talk about love. He started off his talk with an analogy about why he feels like he needs to serve a mission. He said (and I will butcher this, so bare with me) that he imagines himself on a ship holding a life preserver and Christ is at the helm. Their are people all over in the water around them that are swimming toward the ship, and many who are swimming away from the ship. How can he stay on the ship, holding on to his life preserver? The life preserver is the gospel of Jesus Christ and we must share it. We can't force people to get on the ship, but we have to at least offer our life preserver. About half way through his talk he recited a poem that he had written. It was only about 6 or 7 lines. It talked about how he would take his brothers cross to bare, he knew that he could make better choices for him, but he knew that was not how it was supposed to be. His brother needed to learn to make his own choices. But let him walk next to him and help him carry his burden, to be there and love him and help him. It was so so sweet. By this time I am completely sobbing. I am pretty sure I snorted at some point. I just couldn't get over how mature he was. I am sure that watching his brother struggle the way he has, has helped him really understand what is truly important in life. You could just feel his love for his brother and for his Heavenly Father. Then there was a musical number. This kid and his brother walked up to the stand. The older brother sat down at the piano and the younger brother stood with his violin. Hayden leaned over and said that the younger kid is Heidi's age and he used to go to Mountainville. They proceeded to play the most amazing, beautiful rendition of I Know That My Redeemer Lives that I have ever heard. The water was flowing out of my eyes down my face. I am sure I looked like I was in a cartoon or something. You know how the tears spout out of the cartoon characters faces. I could NOT compose myself. I know that I snorted during that. Hayden looked over at one point and said, "Oh, touching". I am sure he was horrified to see what I looked like. I wish I had taken a picture of myself so you could get the whole effect. Luckily I had NO tissue. Fortunately I had long sleeves! It was one of the most amazing sacraments I have been to in awhile. These missionaries that are going out these days are so prepared. Many because they have had their own crosses to bare. <br />
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We went back to our own ward after their sacrament meeting. Our Relief Society class was on Baptism. The poor teacher didn't get the message that she would be teaching that week, so she was not as prepared as she would have liked, so she begged for any comments that we might have to add to the class. She started talking about our baptisms and what we remembered and then we talked about our own children's baptisms, and how that was different. Then she started talking about why we baptize at the age of 8. How we believe that children shouldn't be baptized until they understand the difference between right and wrong, etc. Then she made the comment, "wouldn't it be great if all of our kids could die before the age of 8, then we wouldn't have to worry about them sinning, and making mistakes". I felt every ones eyes focus on me. I giggled a little and leaned next to the person sitting next to me and whispered "it's not as great as it seems", or something to that affect. She then giggled. The teacher, (who moved in right during or just after Tatum died), saw us and asked why we were giggling. So I told her that it isn't as great as it seems. At one point in the lesson I had shared a thought and I had said that we had an older son that had died before Halea. So the teacher caught herself and said, "Oh yes, you had a son who died. How old was he?" I said that he was 18 months, and we had lost another daughter not too long ago that was just over a year old. She apologized for her flippant comment. I assured her that I was not offended, and I wasn't. Everyone in that room has had their own cross to bare. The teacher herself was living in our neighborhood because she and her husband had moved in with their son because his wife had died just a few months after giving birth to their 10th baby! So, we ALL have our trials. I am so aware of this fact. <br />
I was so grateful for this weekend. It was such a good reminder that Heavenly Father is mindful of all of us. He is there helping us all along the way, if we will just allow Him in to our hearts. If we look, we will not be able to deny His hand in our lives. We just have to look.<br />
<span id="goog_1716432308"></span><span id="goog_1716432309"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-78626955872321517462014-06-27T23:24:00.003-07:002014-06-27T23:24:50.922-07:00Summer Has Taken Over My Life....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The summer started off crazy and has not slowed down. I always have this illusion that I am going to get to relax in the summer time. No more schedules or homework or expectations. It never works out that it is relaxing. I am trying really hard to not get caught up in the small stuff like chores and having a tidy house because I know that this is our last summer as our family is right now. Big changes are going to be coming one right after another for the next several years. So I just want to enjoy our family and try not to stress the small, insignificant things. I emphasize TRY. I am not always good at this. With this said, here is the quick synapses of June!</div>
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Our first Timp cave hike of the year with the Grahams!! I love our morning talks and walks. I am grateful that they allow me to come and be a part of their family. <br />
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First rose bloom in Tatum and Trevins rose garden. These make me smile every morning. <br />
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Hilary got to go to the zoo with my niece and her husband. I am not sure if she had any fun, judging from that enormous smile!<br />
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This is a biggy. We have another driver!! Hayden was pretty nervous, because his teacher is known for being pretty tough, but he passed. I was so proud of him for overcoming his fears. Next, a job.<br />
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Holden raced his way to the top of the scout bike derby. 1st Place. He looked like a professional rider. He was calm, cool and quietly humble with his win. Love this kid.<br />
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I have been on several bike rides. This is our view. Unbelievable. We are lucky to live here where it is hard to forget the beauty of the earth that we get to live in. Truly amazing.<br />
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We finally got to the cemetery and cleaned everything up and put the cute pin wheels and decorations out. Hopefully soon we will be able to decide their headstone design and have a permanent marker as a tribute to their lives.<br />
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It wouldn't be Utah without some crazy weather. June snow. It was seriously freezing for a few days. It was some good time spent in doors doing some home projects. Heidi took it upon herself to clean her and Hilary's room, and the playroom and our organizer in our pantry. I am not sure how we got so lucky to have her. She has been such a big help.<br />
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I got to go to Cub scout day camp and I nearly hit a cow on the way there. I am sure that is what the boys will remember about the entire trip!<br />
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We have hit a few parks. This is my favorite. The kids spent most of the time building a dam and floating leaves. It was the most relaxing hour of the summer.<br />
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My evil friends showered me with cinnamon rolls and cake, all in one night! I unfortunately ate too much of both.<br />
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Wouldn't be summer without the splash pad.<br />
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I wish that I could say that this is the harvest from our cherry tree. We have waited for four years for our cherry tree to produce cherries. It finally did. We have all been watching and waiting for our sweet cherries to be ripe enough to pick. There were quite a few and I was so excited. I noticed that the birds were frequenting our tree. I started asking around ti figure out how you prevent the birds from eating all of your cherries. So I settled on hanging CD's. Apparently the shiny reflective cd keeps the birds away. Well, not these ridiculous birds. I went down a few days later and there was nothing but seeds on the ground, along with my CD's! Those crazy birds. Luckily one of our neighbors has a very mature cherry tree that produced thousands of cherries. I am not exaggerating. They said that anyone who wanted some were welcome to come and pick some. This is not even a third of what I picked. It truly made my day. <br />
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I have been working on a few projects, one of which was fixing up our guest room. It has always been an eye sore. I have never liked the bedding, the curtains, nothing matched. You get the picture. So one of my friends came over and helped me settle on some colors, helped me pick out some bedding. I found a new table for our TV and painted it, new curtains. It was really fun and I am really happy with how it turned out. Maybe we will move into this room:)<div>
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I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone a little and try some new things. I have never been a volunteer for a race. All of these years, nice people have helped so that I could race. A few weeks ago I got an email from my work and they were looking for volunteers for a race that they sponsor. I have always wanted to run this race, but they started it I think the year I got pregnant with Hilary and so it just hasn't ever been in the cards. As I was reading the email I noticed that it said that the volunteers get a long sleeve, half zip tec shirt. They had me at hello. I immediately signed up to help. It was a really fun experience. All of the proceeds for this race go to help families going through cancer treatments. At the end of the day I think that they raised 150,00 dollars. It was way fun, even though I had to be up at 2:45am to get there to help load runners on the buses. I saw a lot of my friends. It was super fun, and the shirt turned out to be really cool.</div>
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While I was helping at the race I recognized a lady that was also volunteering. She had delivered a baby, maybe 10 years ago that was a still born. I asked her how she was doing and she told me that her husband had died a year before from colon cancer. Another good reminder that we all have our burdens to carry. And that we are never "done" with our trials. This is a scary thought, but it is true. I told her that I was proud of her for getting out and doing something really proactive, when she could be curled up in a ball, and rightfully so. A real inspiration.</div>
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I have had several flashes from my past in the last couple of weeks. I have run into or heard from several people from the hospital that have lost babies in the past. They have all come at just the right time to, again, remind me of the perspective that I have been given. It is a true gift. </div>
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Halea left on Monday of this week. She and her group from school went on their competition tour. The first group is in Kansas city. Her report is that it is really hot and the people are awesome. She is having a blast. Of course as she was boarding the plane, I was planning her funeral. She was really good about texting me at each leg of her travels. Tomorrow she and her friend fly to their second destination, Nashville, to compete in their second competition. I am really happy that she has this opportunity. After this summer, her life will be different. I hope that she takes advantage of all of the opportunities in college like she has in High School. </div>
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I have been missing Tatum desperately these past few weeks. I see all of these sweet little baby girls and I can hardly stand it. Yesterday I was visiting with my neighbor and she has a little grand daughter that is about a year and a half and she kept crawling up in my lap and totally snuggling me. It is nearly heart stopping if I think about how much I miss her, even with all of the swirling chaos around me I cannot distract my mind and my heart from feeling that longing to have her here with our family. I am sure that will never change. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-87496803522737598872014-06-11T11:35:00.000-07:002014-06-11T11:35:15.792-07:00My One Year Assessment...I thought that it would be interesting to take a personal assessment of where I (and we) are at one year after saying goodbye to Tatum. I hope it will be enlightening for others, especially those experiencing their own grief, to see where others are after a year. I know from experience working in this field that there is a lot of loneliness that accompanies grief. That loneliness often feeds the feelings of inadequacy, that you are not where you should be in this imaginary "time line" of grief. I hope to dispel the myths of "normal" grieving. If I have learned anything over the past 20 years of my own grief, and working with others for the past 14 years, it is that there is really no "norm". And that is OK. There are obvious patterns, but everyone, and I mean everyone, does this differently. So with that, I thought I would share a few things that might surprise people reading this.<br />
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As we were approaching the one year mark, I wanted so badly to be angry and I didn't want the day to come. The feelings that were causing these anxieties within me were because I knew that once we hit the one year mark, it would be time to carry on. People don't mean to forget or place expectations, but we all have to move on to our own new life experiences, us included. For the first year after a death, you are so focused on breathing and trying to do the bare minimum to survive the trauma of loss and missing. You are consumed with all of the firsts without your loved one that you are almost not expected to truly participate in the life around you. And I was really good with this. I didn't want to have to say that Tates had died a year ago. That sounds too long, and it still feels so fresh to me. When you say it's been a year people expect that you are "over" it. Well, I am not over her. Never will be. This did not affect me as deeply when Trevin died. Probably because by the time we hit our year mark we were expecting little Halea. That was going to be another life changing event and I was becoming very focused on her and the new anxiety I was having thinking about another baby, and would she be healthy or not. I am sure this is what made a huge difference. With Tatum, there was just the deeply painful loss. We were not going to be able to have any more babies to come and brighten our home again. There has just been a big hole, never to be filled. We have had a lot of big events in our lives this year, but I still feel really numb to all of them.<br />
In fact I am super resistant to change. I cut my hair, and now I hate that I look totally different than I did when Tatum was here. We are getting ready to sell our van. This is going to be really hard. We bought the van because we had Tates. We took our trips with her in that van. I rushed her to the hospital in that van. She took her last ride home in that van. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am so emotionally attached to this stupid van! I am going to paint the kitchen, but I am having a hard time changing things in the house, even though I want to. All of these silly, simple things trigger feelings of anxiety and sadness. <br />
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I know that a lot of people, in fact I would say most, experience a fair amount of anger when there is the death of a child. I am one of the lucky ones that has not experienced a lot of anger. In fact, when our one year anniversary day arrived, I had thought a lot about what I would write on this blog. I had a lot of angry thoughts that I thought I would write about, but as I went through the day and thought about all of the tender mercies, how could I be angry? I just can't be there, not when I think of Tatum. She is too sweet and tender to bring any feeling outside of joy and hope. I would give anything to have her back, but I have a spiritual understanding of her purpose, and to stay was not her plan. How can I be angry with the Lords purpose for her life. Unthinkable. I don't know why I have been given this gift of understanding, but I am forever grateful for it. An angry heart is very hard to overcome, I am glad that has not been my challenge. I say this with all sincerity. <br />
So, a window in to my home. Trevin has always been present in our home. We have always had pictures of him hanging on our walls. Each of the kids has always had a picture of him in their rooms. Tatum is no different. We have pictures of her around the house and there are a few things that are in the same place as when she was alive. I just can't seem to put away certain things. I am allowing things to just happen with time. A few weeks after Trevin died one of my friends came over and helped me pack away his room and get rid of all of his medications. I just felt like it was time. I still have Tatum's medications in the cupboard. Her crib is still in our room, full of pin wheels, things that people have given us and a lot of her hospital things. We also have her little portable bed sitting in our room. I just don't know how I will ever put them away. Quite frankly, I am in no rush. The other day one of the nurses at the hospital was asking me if having the big picture of Tatum up in the unit is hard because I see it every time I go in. I honestly love it. It reminds me, every time I see it, why I am there. It is the same in our home. We can never see their sweet faces too much. It is a constant reminder of all that we know is true, especially of the Atonement and repentance and of eternal families and to be kind and loving to each other, always serving one another. How could I ever be angry about those sweet reminders?<br />
One year later my mind still flashes thoughts that I wish I could stop. Last week Halea and I went up to Logan for her College orientation day. We drove up on Sunday night and stayed over night because we had to be there early in the morning. I just kept thinking how I would never have been able to do any of these things with Halea had the timing of Tatum's illness and death been any different. A tender mercy for certain, but also hard to think about. I would much rather be holding Tatum on the couch and missing some of these things, exciting as they are. Utah State puts on a great orientation, so I am really grateful that I was able to be there. As we were driving up I was thinking about some of the changes that are coming with mine and Halea's relationship. In just a few months I will not always know where she is. There are lots of outdoor activities to do and it took my breath away to think that she would be going hiking and boating and swimming without me knowing exactly where and with who. It is her time to fly, a very scary time for us as parents. She assured me that she would tell me or someone where she was going. I think that she really will because I think that she understands.<br />
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Heidi left for camp the morning after we got home. She went to the same camp that we went to when Tates was just a few months old. I smuggled her in and she stayed up there with us all day, then she and I would drive home each night and then come back early in the morning. I can't believe that we got away with it, but I knew I needed to be at camp and I couldn't possibly leave sweet Tater bug. It all just worked out. Another tender mercy. It was weird to send Heidi off by herself. No Halea, and no me. <br />
The flashing, random thoughts that grief intensifies are usually irrational, but again, unstoppable. The other day I was in my house and I realized that Hilary had gone outside with her new bike. I went out to check on her. As I walked out my front door I saw my neighbors big truck parked in a weird position facing my house. His truck was still running and I saw him climbing out of the truck. It was partly obscured by a bush in my front yard so I couldn't see why he was getting out of the truck. My heart started racing. What if he had run over Hilary?! (this is all happening in a matter of seconds) My first thought was, "I cannot do this again" I felt the breath leave me for just a second, then I saw him bend over and pick up his little dog! His dog had run after him so he was stopping to pick him up so he didn't run him over. I felt a little sick. Yet, another tender mercy. <br />
Just a few days later Hilary asked if she could go ride her bike in the front yard. I said yes and that I would be out in just a minute. I had to finish something for our dinner real quick. After just a few minutes I went outside to check on Hilary. She wasn't out front so I called her name to see if she was to the side of the house. No response. I walked around to the garage and she wasn't there and neither was her bike. I went to the next door neighbors house to see if she had ridden her bike there. Nope. Now I started getting really nervous. I shouldn't have read Elizabeth Smart's book! I walked down a few houses calling her name. After not finding her, for what seemed like an eternity, I decided to get in my car and search the neighborhood. As I started walking home I thought I heard her, then I saw her about 4 houses down the street riding her bike. As I looked closer I saw that Lance was there with her, on his bike. He had come home and saw her out there and decided to take her around the block on her bike, without telling me. Heart attack!! My immediate reaction is just always the worst case scenario. I hope that this will decrease in intensity. I don't like being such an alarmist!<br />
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It is an interesting transition time right now. How do we learn to live with all of this, again? I felt like I had conquered so many of these hard feelings with Trevin, now I am starting this journey all over again. How can I make it another 20 years carrying this? Here is what I know, that I can and I will. Never on my own. I know that through my faith in my Savior, and because of Him I can do anything that I am asked to do. I know that. The other day I was reading in 1 Nephi 17 where Nephi is asked to build a ship to bring his family across the sea to a promised land. Several times throughout this chapter he says, I don't know how I will accomplish these things, but through my Savior I know that I can do anything. Such faith. It made me think of the two sweet friends that I have that are leaving with their husbands that have been called to be mission Presidents in pretty scary foreign lands. They have demonstrated these Nephi like qualities. I hope that in all of my trials I can be an example of this kind of faith. </div>
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For Tatum's birthday we put out some calla lilis at the cemetery. I went and picked them up after a few days to see if I might be able to transplant them in our yard. Pie in the sky for me and my black thumb, but I thought I would give it a college try! There are two bunches of them and one of them is doing OK, but this bunch is so delicate and beautiful and sweet and it makes me smile and think of Tater bug every time I see them. You have to look close to notice them because they are so small, just like she was. When you get close enough to see them, they are breath taking, just like she was. Such a sweet tender mercy. I am trying so hard to notice these beautiful gifts that come in to my life, literally daily. We are going to make it, and live joyfully not in spite of this trial, but because of it. We love you Trevin and sweet Tatum!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiar1bz0bWCaVdqBFw815XEHdmGvEojm00wuGAHVokncXD_aI6eJe43xvG_-SPNaIaKiUVSs70_SmrhfwX6zIMWedE070NJWEZGLOAf5AwtDRr3Kr5GBetMhg7_KMTM6OWkdB1FDsC1kCoe/s1600/Hilary's+new+bike+and+flowers+June+2014+010.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiar1bz0bWCaVdqBFw815XEHdmGvEojm00wuGAHVokncXD_aI6eJe43xvG_-SPNaIaKiUVSs70_SmrhfwX6zIMWedE070NJWEZGLOAf5AwtDRr3Kr5GBetMhg7_KMTM6OWkdB1FDsC1kCoe/s1600/Hilary's+new+bike+and+flowers+June+2014+010.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-7878436920054013002014-06-01T06:33:00.001-07:002014-06-01T06:33:32.197-07:00The Best, Worst Day...It has been another couple of very crazy busy days. I am sure we are all sick of me starting every blog that way. I apologize. I just feel like sometimes I can't keep up with everything that is coming at us right now, much less trying to find solace and peace within the washing machine of regular things we need to do. <br />
It all started with Halea's graduation day. I say day, but really it has been over a week of activities. I am exhausted and I only had to attend one of them. Every night those kids had something to go to. They were fun, but it was just a lot. I am so happy for her though. She has done so well, made good friends, stayed true to herself, had confidence in her beliefs, grown a beautiful testimony of the Savior and had a lot of fun. We just couldn't be prouder of her and her accomplishments. I must say, however, I am glad to see this week come to an end.<br />
Friday was Halea's actual graduation. Friday morning I got up early to run some errands in Salt Lake. When I got home, we made lunch and then we all got ready to go to the graduation. Halea was speaking, but didn't seem nervous at all. She is a cool cucumber. We loaded up the grandparents and all of us and headed down. Our niece and her husband followed us down. We had to be at the graduation an hour early, so I knew that it was maybe going to be a struggle for Hilary. I loaded my purse with treats and candy and just hoped that she wouldn't throw up on the way home. <br />
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It was a pretty long hour waiting for the program to start, but we made it through. There was one speaker, then Halea was up. She did fantastic. At the end of her talk she read a story of a man who had wanted to change the world when he was a young man. Then he was discouraged because he realized that he couldn't change the world. So he decided maybe to try and change just his country, then just his family. He realized that none of that was possible. Then in his twilight years he realized that if he had just focused on changing himself, he probably could have influenced his family, then his country and who knows, the world. It was a great way to wrap things up for her talk. She didn't even seem nervous. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmbj-lKTXZqzP0q-npgEepIfYv9v_YyIQxe5TyIelPo_cFW0GhEQ2IUEG1TS0oUZuM0Uoo3PWkbNV7guTXqATopB_VU8K5fMe9geNCj009SO0ezalJeeddGp9LncT2cqFYj-krCTkw_3q/s1600/Halea%2527s+Graduation+and+Tatums+Graduation+Anniversary+2014+008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmbj-lKTXZqzP0q-npgEepIfYv9v_YyIQxe5TyIelPo_cFW0GhEQ2IUEG1TS0oUZuM0Uoo3PWkbNV7guTXqATopB_VU8K5fMe9geNCj009SO0ezalJeeddGp9LncT2cqFYj-krCTkw_3q/s1600/Halea%2527s+Graduation+and+Tatums+Graduation+Anniversary+2014+008.JPG" height="200" width="200" /></a>Then they began with the reading of the 600 names!!!!! Seriously, it was forever. it was fun to watch them all, but it was really long. At the end they played a cute video of the senior class activities from the year. My niece and nephew left a little early and took some of the kids so they could get a jump on the traffic. The kids jumped at the chance to leave:) <br />
We had a dinner at home and just hung out until Halea left for her grad night party at 11.<br />
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Can you believe when I went to Costco on Friday that I found this cake, that was for Halea's school, just sitting there waiting for me to buy it!! It said Lehi on it, how could I pass it up? I really hope that I didn't accidentally buy someones special order graduation cake. Oops. <br />
I signed up to be a chaperon and clean up crew for the grad night, so I decided to go to bed for a few hours before I needed to report for duty. I got up a little before 3am and headed in. They had a lot of fun things set up for the kids to do and lots of yummy food. Halea and her friends seemed like they had a great time. I think Halea even got a little emotional thinking about leaving Lehi High School for the last time. I am so grateful that she has fond memories of High school. One of the other speakers at the graduation spoke about having no regrets when you look back on your life. Do now what you wish you would have done, no regrets. It was a good talk. I appreciated her advice. It is a great way to make decisions in life.<br />
I got home around 5am and decided to sleep for an hour or so before I went running because then it was off to the races with our jam packed day. When I got home from my run, there was a beautiful potted flower with pinwheels stuck in it on my porch! At like 7:30am. How did she sneak that so early? The day was off to a good start.<br />
Months ago when I was thinking about this day and how I would like to spend it, it involved staying in bed, doing nothing if I wanted to. Maybe reading a book, cuddling with Hilary, crying a lot and probably a little feeling sorry for myself. Then one day I was walking out of the temple and I realized that we for sure needed to squeeze in a temple visit on this day. Our home felt like the temple, so it only seemed appropriate. Then we realized that one of our very good friends had her oldest daughter getting married on this day. Ugh. I was a little resistant to that idea at first. This particular friend has also had two of her children die, so I felt like it would be important for us to attend the beautiful event of two young people uniting in marriage. <br />
Then one of my friends called about four weeks ago to see when we were going to try and go to the temple, because she really wanted to come, but they had to change her son's baptism to this very day. Seriously, it was becoming comical how many things were suddenly in our days agenda. <br />
She has been such a good friend and we really had no preference for when we went to the temple, so we worked out a time that worked for all of us and began the day.<br />
Lance and I headed off to the Salt Lake Temple to start the day. I was getting a little nervous to see if I was going to be able to hold my emotions together. I did really good until the very end of the ceremony. I let my mind go to the place where I think about the fact that I will never see Tatum or Trevin married in this life. It feels weird to think of the dynamics that that changes in your family make up and future. The spirit was sweet in the room and I just got a little emotional right as we were leaving the ceremony. I just kept having waves of emotion as we were walking down the hall. Now my main concern as I was attending these few very special events was to not be the "dark cloud" in attendance. I did not want to detract from the joy that these families should be feeling with a wedding and a baptism. So I was trying really hard to hold it together. <br />
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A side note: A few days ago Lance got a call to meet with our Stake President. Lance is currently serving as a High Councilman, so he was just having an interview to see how things were going. I adore our stake president. He is the sweetest, kindest man. I love to hear him speak, his advice is always filled with such sincerity and love for all of us. He is just an amazing man. Apparently while they were talking it came up that this day was coming. Lance told him that we would be going to the temple that day.<br />
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As we were walking down the steps I was wiping my eyes looking down at the stairs so I didn't fall. When we got to the bottom, there was our stake president. He works in the Salt Lake Temple, so not unusual for him to be there, but right there at that very moment was very odd. Lance shook his hand, then I smiled and shook his hand. He smiled and said, "keep smiling" in his most sincere kind self. I didn't know that he knew it was Tatum's death date, so I thought that was funny for him to say that. After Lance told me about his interview earlier, I knew that was a tender gift from our Heavenly Father. How sweet to run into someone that I so admire. <br />
When we got home I visited for a little bit, then I went to the baptism of my friends little boy. I have known her and her family for a lot of years. Again, there were the tender feelings of never getting to see these ordinances for Trevin and Tatum, but overall I had such good feelings. I love the songs that are played at baptisms, they are so beautiful. Then the talks that were given were so sweet. My friends little girl who is 10 gave the sweetest, most sincere, poised talk I have ever seen from a person her age. Her oldest daughter played an amazing piece on the piano and then their grandpa gave a really sweet talk. He referenced a story from President Eyring's book that was really cool. He talked about how we need to always be preparing ourselves, not only for ourselves but so we can always be available to help others. He said that you should be obedient and constantly be doing the small things you are asked to do, like help put up chairs or do your home teaching or help clean the church. These are the small things that, if done with a cheerful heart, they are practice for the hard things that come along, like trials of your own or helping others through trials. He said it much better, but that was the idea. I knew that I was supposed to be doing these things. I was supposed to be at the wedding and this baptism. I was spiritually fed at both. The ordinances that I was getting to witness today were very sacred and special. Where else would my kids want me? Orchestrated, I think so!<br />
While I was gone, Halea took Heidi and Holden to Bridal Veil Falls for a hike. She wanted to be in nature to remember sweet Tatum. I was so grateful that she took time to be with her brother and sister. She is a great example to me, and so tender when it comes to our sweet Tatum.<br />
As I was driving home from the baptism, I was thinking about the day up to this point. I was pondering what our stake president had said to us in the Temple, "keep smiling". It made me smile, and then I was thinking back on this year. I have really tried to smile through all of this. I have really felt like humor helps me through hard things. I hope that this is how people have seen us as a family. We all have felt such deep love from our Heavenly Father through all of this, and we feel like this is how we show him that we understand. We know that we are eternal beings. We know that we will see Tatum and Trevin again. This knowledge does not take away the sting of death and separation, but that knowledge allows us to carry on. Not just carry on, but have joy in our lives right here and now. I truly do feel that. Halea posted a picture yesterday with this quote from Sister Hinckley, "The trick is to ENJOY life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." I loved this. It is not an easy thing to do during the hard times, but I have felt buoyed by my faith that one day, all will be whole again. My hope is that my Heavenly Father has felt that love from me, and that we have been good examples of this. <br />
I love motto's. While I was driving thinking about all of this I thought it would be cool to have a motto, learned from this past year. Smiling came to mind. "Smile through the trial". Nailed it. It was better than "laugh through the crap", right? (That doesn't even really rhyme) Sometimes it helps to do what we wish we felt. I am a big believer that you become what you do. If you are frowning and complaining and sad all of the time, this is what you will become. Smile through the trial.<br />
I went home and we visited with the grandparents for a bit before Lance and I left for the temple. We picked up two of our friends that were coming. When we got to the chapel inside the temple three of our other friends had come. My good friend that I work with and her husband and one of our Angel Watch patients that has become such a sweet friend. It was so sweet of them to take time out of their busy Saturday to come and support us. It was awesome to be in the temple with people that we love. I was so grateful that we had all made that a part of our day. Again, I know that was another place that we were supposed to be. <br />
While we were gone, the grandparents took Hilary to Walmart to buy her a new bike. A few days ago, Halea had accidentally run over Hilary's little bike that she loves. It is the same little bike that Halea used to learn to walk when she was just a year old! I think I was sadder than Hilary. So when we got home, this is what we found! A very thrilled Hilary. I have a feeling that I am going to be spending a lot of time outside watching her ride her bike. Thanks grandmas and grandpa.<br />
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On our way home Lance and I stopped at the wedding reception for our friend that got married earlier in the day. It was so lovely. People have such vision when they are putting these events together. I am not very talented when it comes to this. It was impressive.<br />
We all loaded up and went to the cemetery to clean off all of the pin wheels and plants because the cemetery will clean off all of the graves on Tuesday and there were things that we wanted to keep and put back out. One of our friends had dropped off some bubbles so we brought those with us. One of my favorite memories with little Tater bug was of us sitting out on the porch and the girls blowing bubbles for her. I think this might have to be a new tradition. It was really fun. <br />
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When we got to the cemetery we saw that others had dropped off things. I am overwhelmed at how many people remember. I am the absolute worst at remembering dates and anniversaries, outside of my own. OK sometimes even my own. It makes me see how Tatum really did affect people. <br />
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Hilary was not about to take her helmet off to go to the cemetery. Love this girl. We weren't sure how to even explain to Hilary what this day signified, so we just let her be and do the normal things that she usually does. <br />
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After the cemetery we grabbed some pizzas and went back to the house. It was truly a way better day than I would have ever planned. I am grateful for all those that remembered with us, either silently or through deed. </div>
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Two of my friends that came to the temple with us brought this to us.</div>
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This is a line from the hymn that Halea played at Tatum's funeral. I can't believe how thoughtful people are. I would not have survived this year without all of the good people around me, truly being the Lords hands. This really was the Best, Worst Day.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHFmuNayIJty7cGSksWPgXFQMiXWZiHh4Pe0kxa8r4gA680wCX3oDJjgYyDYO72cKY1eiCX4VKfLd-BRnon_m0_o40GyvayqKTz7KgUrl61txmaJ63FfU3uRBHgkWrlaD588UJzqweKvyq/s1600/Halea%2527s+Graduation+and+Tatums+Graduation+Anniversary+2014+014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHFmuNayIJty7cGSksWPgXFQMiXWZiHh4Pe0kxa8r4gA680wCX3oDJjgYyDYO72cKY1eiCX4VKfLd-BRnon_m0_o40GyvayqKTz7KgUrl61txmaJ63FfU3uRBHgkWrlaD588UJzqweKvyq/s1600/Halea%2527s+Graduation+and+Tatums+Graduation+Anniversary+2014+014.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-26895228231337892202014-05-29T07:26:00.000-07:002014-05-29T07:26:31.373-07:00Ahhh, The Birthdays....I am officially on the other end of both birthdays, and still breathing. Like I said before, I spent some time mentally preparing for the days, and it turned out that it really helped. I tried really hard to visualize what I wanted it to be, but kept it simple and flexible. I had a feeling that not all of our kids would be able to participate in all of the celebrations. I did my self talk and told myself that it is not because they don't care, it is because they are teenagers, it is the last weeks of school, they are busy. I don't doubt for a second that they miss Tatum, and love Trevin. I also know that everyone, including within our family, deals with these emotions differently. So, I was in a constant state of adaptation of plans for the past several days, but it has been really good.<br />
On Friday morning, Tatum's birthday we did our regular routine. Once I got the kids off to school, I got myself ready and my friend came over, laden with knock off Swig sugar cookies that she made (jerk!). She really knows my weakness (one of my many). Then we headed down to the hospital to bring our little gift bags to the nurses. My friend found these super cute buckets to put them out at the department desks. <br />
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When we got to the hospital it was fun to talk to everyone and remember with them. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel while doing this, but it was good. We went to Pediatrics last, which was good. There was a nurse there that I have known forever. I got pretty choked up when I was talking to her and telling her that it was Tatum's birthday. It was hard being on that floor, where Tates spent several stays. I wished that I could just go into one of the rooms and curl up in a ball. How has it been a year? Then as we were leaving we passed by the triage room where we started this journey over a year ago. I would give anything to be back in time, just to hold her again. I would never want to see her suffer like she did though. <br />
After we left the hospital we went and grabbed some lunch, obviously. <br />
Throughout the day I posted some of my favorite pictures of her on Instagram and Facebook. I am so grateful for all of the beautiful pictures I have of her. Priceless gifts.<br />
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This was her birth announcement. The caption on the announcement was "Hello World". It is just how she greeted us.<br />
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These pictures were taken in December 6 weeks before she got sick.<br />
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These are the last pictures we took before she had her big seizure.<br />
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This was her trying so hard to sit. We might have been propping her a little bit with some pillows, but who's judging?<br />
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This is a hard one for me. Hilary sure misses being the big sister. They love each other so.<br />
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A little smile captured between me and Tates. She looks so little.<br />
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Another big sister moment captured by our good friend. These pictures are such a priceless gift to our family.<br />
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Probably my favorite of me with Tatum. I talked to her like this a lot. So grateful that our friend captured this special moment. this moment is etched in my mind. <br />
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The rest of the day we were showered with thoughtful things from friends and neighbors. I don't know how people are so clever and thoughtful, and mindful. I am the worst at remembering other peoples anniversary dates, so I feel a little guilty that people are so nice to us. <br />
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That evening Lance and I went out to find a flower to put out on Tatum and Trevin's grave. We found a really pretty Calla lily. My niece and her husband came down to go to dinner with us. When they came to the door they had this sweetest little miniature <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmNElDdarUWuGsRLFz2KUWuA4cuAS6XCgVwwGzxRwwFtmkN2MIJsImvHwjx9CRuPmw1H8HzXmr5CYb29Pf33Bsv-zoXguRh1aB7CcXp9Jfhl6PqEcx-i2FLMX4_RjLm0D8HjP71TZd5NU/s1600/Tatum+and+Trevins+bdays+2014+022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmNElDdarUWuGsRLFz2KUWuA4cuAS6XCgVwwGzxRwwFtmkN2MIJsImvHwjx9CRuPmw1H8HzXmr5CYb29Pf33Bsv-zoXguRh1aB7CcXp9Jfhl6PqEcx-i2FLMX4_RjLm0D8HjP71TZd5NU/s1600/Tatum+and+Trevins+bdays+2014+022.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a><br />
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shepherds hook! And the little plaque that had Tatum's middle name on it. We put it out at the cemetery, but I am going to grab it after memorial day and keep it in our yard. Adorable. The shepherds hook also had a really cute bow on it that had a little hair bow attached to it. I recognized it immediately as one of Tatum's. Then my niece reminded me of the story behind the bow. I had gone up one night to visit her mom, just a day or so before she died. The girls had combed her hair and cleaned her up . The gown that she was wearing had this really pretty teal color to it and I remembered that I had one of Tatum's clip bows with me that would match perfectly to clip in my sister in laws hair. I guess that hair clip had stayed in her hair and the mortuary had given it back to my niece but she had forgotten about it, until recently. Another tender connection between Tatum and her sweet aunt.</div>
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We were teasing that my sister in law was probably throwing the biggest party for the two babies! After we ate dinner, we went home and ate our brownie trifle. I made this same dessert on Tatum's first birthday in hopes that she could eat some. Nope. She just looked at me with those knowing, kind, patient eyes and probably thought, "you crazy mom!"</div>
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Overall it was a good day. I only had a few bouts of emotion. I tried really hard all day to focus on what a difference having Tatum has made in all of our lives. The differences are endless. I would not be who I am today without her. I tried really hard to just be grateful for her and the affect that she has had on people. Such a sweet tender girl, that couldn't walk or talk, but changed everyone's heart who came in contact with her. Amazing. The day was not exactly how I had planned in my mind. It was Lagoon day for the graduating seniors, so Halea was gone for most of the day. But it all worked out OK. I think it was a good day spent doing good things. I hate that she would now be two. I only know her as one, and so it is hard to see time pass by. But this is life. I am lucky I got to know her at all. </div>
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The days in between the birthdays have been crazy. The end of school has been kicking me. I haven't slept and the kids seem to be running every which way. I will be glad when school is out. At least for a week or so, right?</div>
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Hayden had preschool day last week and so I brought Hilary and her friend Brady down to the high school for a couple of hours. They did fun preschool activities. When I told Hilary where she was going she got really excited and got herself dressed, back pack packed, and even let me do her hair. As we were walking out the door she said, "i have to grab my hat". I wasn't sure what hat she thought she needed. Well, it was her snow hat of course! Right over her hair do. Luckily right before we got to the school she decided against the hat. A little lesson I've learned over the years. The kids will usually realize and fix their bad decisions all on their own, if you don't push them on it!</div>
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Monday was our big hike to the Y. In years past I am always anxious to get down there early so it's not too hot or crowded. This year we just took it easy. It was a nice relaxed morning. We packed our lunch and got out the door by about 9:30. It was pretty warm by the time we got there, and super crowded. But it all worked out fine. Sometimes the kids get really competitive, and maybe sometimes I have too. We sort of just race up the trail and try and get there fast and first. When we started out Hayden and Heidi and Holden took off and were quite a ways ahead of us. Halea and Lance and I stayed back with Hilary. We had to encourage her for a bit to convince her that she should walk and not be carried. Once she got going she was great.</div>
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She talked the entire way up. People were cracking up listening to her. We saw a little white poodle at one point. She asked Lance if it was a sheep. We laughed and he said no that it was a dog. She laughed and said "it's a lamb dog!" It was like that the entire way up and down. She is such a crack up. After hiking the Y we went and got our Slurpee's. Then we went home and started some yard work. I know, fun vacation day. Then we had a little barbecue with some friends. It was a really fun, relaxing day. It was really strange to not go to the Provo cemetery. Last year this day was so different. Lance took the kids hiking to the Y by himself because Tatum and I were in the hospital in Salt Lake making the decision to take her home to die. This year, Trevin and Tatum are both in the Lehi cemetery, which I am so happy that they are together. It is just strange after going to the Provo cemetery for 18 years. </div>
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Trevin's birthday was not what I expected either. It just felt like a normal day. I had a lot of things that I needed to get done in preparation for Halea's graduation, and other things that I have been working on. On Tatum's birthday our dishwasher flooded our wood floor, warping several boards. I think that it is secretly her birthday present to me. I have been wanting to resand and refinish our floors for a few years now. Well, now they have to be done. So I was working on some of that. Having their birthdays so close is good, but also pretty emotionally exhausting. I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do. For a few years now I have been making broccoli cheddar soup because he really liked that when he was little. So that was one thing on my wish list. I thought that I might make a dessert of some sort, I mean it was his 21st birthday. That is a biggie. He would have probably been close to coming home from his mission. I could have been a grandma in just a few years! The day ended up being crazy. I ended up running to Smiths and buying broccoli soup and Hilary picked out a Superman cake for him! Classic. </div>
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That night I was called in to a hospital. It was good to go and do something that all started from him. Without him I would never be working at the hospital. Grateful for that in my life. Afterwards I ran down to our main hospital to pick something up. As I rounded the corner to Labor and Delivery there was a huge picture of Tatum hanging right in the main entrance to L and D! Hung just 10 minutes before on Trevin's birthday. Unbelievable. I knew that it was coming, but it had been a few months so I had sort of stopped waiting for it. It was way better than I had hoped for. I am so lucky, I work with the best people. They have all been so kind to me through this past year especially. I don't know what I would have don without all of their love. This really saved the day!</div>
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Again, it was an OK day, just not what I expected. I guess that is sort of what life is all about, flexiblity and loving what happens not what you hope happens. I feel OK with where I am at emotionally. I know that I am going to make it. In a sense that is the hard part. I know that I will live on, it is just going to be with out Tatum and Trevin, for now. It's just hard. I miss them both so much. It is hard to imagine how different our lives would be had they lived. </div>
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To top everything off, my good friend brought me this cool framed family tree last night. It has all of the kids names on the branches and Lance and I are the trunk where all of the kids names originate from. It is so awesome and symbolic. I don't know how or why people are so kind and thoughtful to me. I am so lucky. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-38015129349755256832014-05-22T00:29:00.000-07:002014-05-22T00:29:59.939-07:00Prep Week...I feel like I have been preparing myself for this week for several months, but now it is here. I have been trying really hard to work through some of my "crazy" thoughts and make detailed, yet flexible expectations for the birthdays and anniversary day. <br />
One of the thoughts that I have been having for several weeks is that I don't want to have her second birthday without her. I don't want to never know what she would have been like as a toddler. I want to know what she likes and doesn't like. I want to give her baths and take her to the park and blow bubbles for her or just sit on the couch and hold her all night. I don't want to have her birthday. I keep thinking about last year and what I was doing at this time. I was preparing her birthday. I knew that it would be her only birthday. I wanted it to be perfect, and thanks to a lot of people it was just right. <br />
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I would love to have just one more little birthday kiss from her. Oh how I miss smooching on her cheeks.<br />
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I also don't want her to ever think that we have forgotten her. As I have been working through these thoughts I decided to focus on what we are celebrating when we celebrate any one's birthday, and that is their birth. What did her birth mean to me and us as a family. It meant so much. One day when Tatum was sick, Lance and I were talking. He told me that even with everything that had happened and the heartache that it would be to have Tatum die, he would not have ever wished to not have her in our family. He was so grateful to be her dad and have her come and teach us the things that we need to learn, as much as we were going to miss her, our family would not be the same without her. I feel like that sums up her life. Our lives would not be the same without her. And so this week, we prepare to celebrate that fact. She completed our family. We needed her. We love her, forever.<br />
We had a beautiful stake conference this past weekend. Some of Halea's friends got to speak in the Saturday and Sunday sessions. There were some really amazing talks given. Our neighbors gave a great talk, together, on marriage. It was tender and sweet and really helpful and inspired. Then our sweet Stake President stood and bore such sweet testimony of our Savior. He warned us about the perils that we face in our lives everyday. Then he encouraged us to take stock of the condition of our hearts. He told some cute personal stories that made him want to take his own inventory and make sure that he is constantly working on making his heart softer and accepting and loving. This man is literally a person without guile. I leaned over to Halea and said, "If he is worried about the condition of his heart, I am doomed. We are all doomed!" It was a really inspiring conference. So grateful that I could attend. It made me want to be and do better.<br />
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This is most of the kids in our neighborhood that are graduating this year. This is at Seminary Graduation. What an amazing group of young people, ready to take on the world and do great things.<br />
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Tuesday I spent a lot of time figuring out the last little details and buying the supplies to assemble the little treat bags for the nurses at the hospitals that I work at, and that took care of and loved Tatum and our family for this past year. My friend helped me with the idea and the details of how to put it all together. We have been working hard on them, and here they are.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVSQqfj4ZYBfAKxHiTZ3xP6_G0_3T3rQMa3ZGfpGC0mSUA9PgCMCapXK7-97IBId5VTKMiBWRAPvPOiNRqMeVb-LhSSGmNjN4e6kq6tm7na-8Fg5lCXfMH1PymWz1SYYz0n0hXSyKDaHuh/s1600/Running+with+Angels%252C+Tatum+birthday+week+May+2014+035.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVSQqfj4ZYBfAKxHiTZ3xP6_G0_3T3rQMa3ZGfpGC0mSUA9PgCMCapXK7-97IBId5VTKMiBWRAPvPOiNRqMeVb-LhSSGmNjN4e6kq6tm7na-8Fg5lCXfMH1PymWz1SYYz0n0hXSyKDaHuh/s1600/Running+with+Angels%252C+Tatum+birthday+week+May+2014+035.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>she is a wiz on the computer, luckily. The girls and I did all of the grunt work of assembling, but my friend did all of the cuteness. I think they turned out so so cute. I hope that it will help people to remember to be kind, remember and never forget what is really important in life.<br />
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Earlier today I made some cookies. I have made this cookie recipe, probably a million times. After I pulled them out of the oven<br />
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I thought that they looked a little brown. Once they had cooled a little, I started to cut them into bars. I noticed that they were a little flat and gooey. I all of a sudden remembered that I had added two sticks of butter, rather than one!! Oops. you might think that this ruined them. Oh no, I think that it made them all the better. This is a problem. Yikes.<br />
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As I was making these little mistakes there was a knock on my door. It was one of my neighbors. She handed me a sweet note and told me that her and one of my other awesome friends had been thinking about us and what to do or say for Tatum's birthday. As we were talking and hugging I saw a pinwheel in one of my flower beds. I said something and then I realized that she had lined our flower beds with pink and blue pinwheels. It was so touching. I am not sure how people know how to do just the right things. Literally, angels live among us. People living by the spirit. <br />
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Tonight we were able to attend an evening at the high school with Halea. They invite all of the kids that have received any scholarship from a school, or local, or national level to come. They then go through and present all of these to the students, publicly. Well, it was the Halea show. There were several kids that were up there a number of times too, but several of her scholarship givers took some minutes to talk about the scholarship and her as the recipient. I skipped my most favorite gospel study class to go, and I was really sad about missing the class. I was so glad that I went because it was a really special night of recognition for all of her hard work. So proud. Her is a ridiculous picture of all but one of her scholarships all laid out for her. <br />
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To end this journal of the last few days I want to share a quote that one of my friends posted on Facebook today. She is the quote master and I look forward to all of her posts. This quote is by Dieter F Uchtdorf, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: "We shouldn't wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available all the time. Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect... there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it."<br />
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No truer statement. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-49104711977230622462014-05-18T07:40:00.000-07:002014-05-18T07:40:45.588-07:00My Name is Heather, and I am a Cake-aholic...This has been a really crazy week, again. I am glad that I haven't had a lot of time or energy to write, because I needed some time to process the weeks events. It all started with Mother's Day. I had made preparation, physical and mental to try to make the day bearable. All of the preparation was rather unsuccessful. Let me just start out with the fact that my family has never been super good at Mother's Day. I don't mean that to sound ungrateful. They just are not the type that shower me with extra niceties. Over the years I have learned to just make it Mother's Day Week, I buy myself things that I want and then we are all happy. Deep down I was hoping that this year, being a little harder than most, would be different. I tried to not have those expectations, but they were to hard to deny. It wasn't the day that I was hoping for. I got up with Lance and started breakfast, then he and the kids finished it and brought me a plate in bed. So that was nice. <br />
Then we went to church. I knew that church was going to be a Missionary homecoming. I was glad about that. We have known this missionary and his family for a long time, so I knew that it would be a great meeting, and it was. Sometimes I get a little bitter about the missionary thing. We have lots of people with missionaries out. A lot of them say how much they miss their son or daughter and how this is the hardest thing that they've done, etc. Some are more dramatic about it than others, but you get the picture. I have had a missionary out for almost 19 years and I have never received an email, a phone call on Mother's day, nothing. And now I have sent out another, and it has been almost a year. I don't get any progress reports, no letters. I just have to have faith and patience for the next 40 years or so. No problem. I am sure you can sense my bitterness and sarcasm. Anyway, overall church was good, I made it through.<br />
When we got home Lance had made a card for me that had baby pictures of all of the kids with their birth dates underneath. He wanted us to all gather in the living room and talk about the kids when they were born. So that was fun. Then Hayden had a little card for me, and Hilary had made me a card. Heidi told me that her present wasn't done (something she had made at school).<br />
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And that was Mother's day. Like I said, my family just isn't very good at it. In Lance's defense, I am getting a new vacuum that is pretty expensive, and so I am sure that is why no real gifts. It just was bad timing for that kind of gift. Then I made the mistake of getting on social media! Ugh, why doesn't anyone who had an average day post? <br />
Then one of my friends that is a photographer called. She had been wanting to take pictures of Halea, but we just hadn't found a good time. The weather broke for a few minutes and so she called to see if we could meet her. So we ran over to this field where there was a white piano! Someone else had been using it for another photo shoot. Halea was thrilled because she really would have loved to have done some pictures with a piano for her senior pictures. We spent an hour or so out in the field taking some fun pictures. Yet, another amazing service from an angel hear on earth.<br />
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(The real pictures turned out way nicer, this is from my phone)<br />
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We went home and I got in my pajamas and went to bed pretty early.<br />
Monday I felt like I was in a total tail spin. I could not gather my emotions or think rationally. Hilary and I went to my work out class, but I was having a bad day. All I could think about was how different last Mother's day was.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb88WCqjfZzdTqbTz1mI94qT4AGe2JJiSXrD8SUpslsPFIRzhvwyM7wQLCc_Lc52DyRfysDhvxQxETxCEIm__r2nOVfTRkvKHDxScUp2DCbfQQNnKlvb3Dk5yhyyZ_4nuB2hpQsJ7x_Q_U/s1600/Mother+day+2013+023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb88WCqjfZzdTqbTz1mI94qT4AGe2JJiSXrD8SUpslsPFIRzhvwyM7wQLCc_Lc52DyRfysDhvxQxETxCEIm__r2nOVfTRkvKHDxScUp2DCbfQQNnKlvb3Dk5yhyyZ_4nuB2hpQsJ7x_Q_U/s1600/Mother+day+2013+023.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a> I was holding Tates on the front porch and I knew deep down that it would be my last Mother's day with her, but I was so happy that we were all together. I was so focused on her that I didn't have time for any selfish thoughts. This year I had a hard time focusing on what I do have. All I could think about was how different it would be if she were here. How no one in my family realized or talked about how hard this day would be for me to have without her. No one missed her presence, except for me. I could only focus on my feelings of how I felt like my family didn't appreciate the things I do and that they showed that by not doing much for me. I know that they appreciate me, I just could not pull out of it. I could not stop the loop of angry, unhappy thoughts. It seemed like all day Hilary was talking about Tatum, which usually is great, but this day it was just making things harder. She asked me when we were going to buy Tatum some shorts for summer. My heart was just so sad.<br />
Monday night, the hospital called for me to do some hand molds on a young mom that had taken her own life and had left two young children behind. This just broke my heart. Here I am wishing with all of my heart to have all of my children here with me, and this mom has now separated herself from her children, forever. How desperate she must have felt, that this felt like her only solution. <br />
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On Tuesday I was called into the hospital early in the morning. This family had tried desperately to stay pregnant with a little baby, to no avail. Their sadness was so palpable. All of these scenarios got me thinking, and so I decided to be done. I knew that the feelings I was having were not what I should be feeling and the only person that could fix those feelings was me. I have been given so many blessings, and I love my family. I have great kids and a really wonderful husband who loves me even when I am crazy! I have the gospel that helps me navigate through the hard things in life and teaches me what kind of person I should be, and I was not being that person. <br />
Tuesday afternoon I was out doing some errands, when I got a message from a friend saying that she had left something on my porch because she knew that Mother's Day weekend was probably a hard one for me. This person was one of our Angel Watch patients that her baby has survived. He is adorable, and a lot of work. He is a 24/7 constant care, and she is the best mom. She also has 8 other kids, and a husband. When she dropped this treat off to me her little guy was in the hospital, for the millionth time in his life. How could she have possibly thought of me? Seriously there are angels here on earth. When I got home there was an enormous slab of cake!!! Well, here's the thing. I am truly a cake-aholic. I cannot turn down cake. I have made a resolve in the past few weeks to really try and cut back on the sweets, because I know that this is part of my weight and hormone problem. When I saw this cake I could not resist. I thought I might have a few bites and then keep a little for later. Well, I was wrong. I had a few bites and then I thought, "what if the kids get home and want a bite?" So I ate the entire thing!! I was afraid I might go into a sugar coma, but I amazingly survived. I have worked hard to build up an immunity to sugar:) <br />
Wednesday Hilary and I went to a funeral for one of our patients at the hospital. It was truly amazing. The parents are from Honduras, and so sweet and humble. Their baby lived for just a few short hours, but you could feel their gratitude for such a small amount of time. Every talk was so sweet and emotional. The fathers brother could not attend the funeral, so he wrote a letter that his son got up and read for the congregation. He wrote the letter to the baby. He told the baby to not worry about not getting to spend too much time in this world because he wasn't missing out on much. It was sweet the way he said it. He told the parents to not be sad, in a good way. Then he ended the letter with "what did your parents do to deserve such a perfect soul in their family. What did I do to have such a perfect nephew?" The way he said it was so tender and sincere. It just made me think about how lucky we are to have Trevin and Tatum as our examples, our beacons to remember, always remember the things that we know. It is so easy to forget with the constant barrage from the world. It was a great funeral.<br />
I think that spring in general has been hard for me, and it probably always will be. There is new birth evident all around us, the sign of new life and a hard winter ending. Which normally is so welcome, but it is also another reminder of another year, gone. On our walks we have been visiting the new little lambs. The kids love them. They are so cute, but every day it seems they are bigger.<br />
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Hillary loves to get out and feed the little lambs. She squeals and laughs! It is so much fun to watch her get so excited to see them.<br />
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On Friday I had a little burst of energy and so I decided to focus on my yard. It has been very neglected. I didn't really do a good fall clean up, so I knew that it was going to be a challenge. I started with the little rose bush area. The bushes needed to be trimmed and there were dead leaves and grass all grown around them. I started clearing, and weeding, and pruning. In the process I realized that one of our rose bushes did not survive. I was pretty sad about that. So I took it out of the ground and started clearing all of the weeds and grass around the area. I weeded in the rock area above it, clearing and clearing all of the dead leaves and over growth. While I was doing this I started thinking about how this is like life. There are cycles in our lives when we need to clear out the dead and overgrowth with in us, to make room for the new growth. It is a very hard and difficult process, but it is how we learn and become what the Master of our souls knows we should be. So there I was, clearing the leaves and dead branches, making room for the beautiful new blooms, sobbing in my back yard thinking of my own process of clearing away the heavy sadness that I have been carrying this hard winter. I feel the growth, I feel the happiness peak through, I know it's there, I am just learning to make room for it. I was grateful that the work that needed to be done was in the back yard. I am sure my neighbors already think I am crazy, no need to confirm it for them!<br />
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I filled the entire garbage can with just one part of our bank. I was not kidding when I said it was a mess!<br />
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Friday Hayden came home with his baby from Child Development. It turned on Saturday night and he has to fix every cry until Sunday night (tonight). Hilary is thrilled about it. She could not go to bed last night because she kept hearing it cry, so she would run in to take care of it. We get to take it to church today! This should be interesting.<br />
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Saturday was the Running With Angels 5k. This is a run that was organized by a good friend that I met at the hospital many years ago when they lost a second baby. She organized this little 5k years ago to raise money to give to the Womens and Childrens department at the hospital. I have attended almost every year. It has grown from a few hundred runners, to having to cap the amount of runners to a thousand! Most of the runners come to run for someone that they have lost. You see lots of teams and families running together. It is sweet. I usually know a lot of the families, so it is a little reunion for me. I really love getting to see families surviving and standing together and remembering. At the beginning of the race they have several boxes of doves that they release, symbolic of all of our loved ones. This year they asked if our family would come and be one of the families to release doves. It was another sweet honor shown by sweet thoughtful people, angels among us. <br />
Hayden had his state tennis tournament so he could not be there, but the rest of us were there. As we released the doves I looked over and Halea had tears streaming down her face. Some times it just strikes us how much we miss our sweet Tatum. It was a tender morning. <br />
Then the race began! Halea lead all of us of course. I ran with Holden. I thought for sure he would be done after a mile and need to walk. No way. He ran the entire time!! Our first mile was an 8:35, the second was an 8:24 and our third was a 9:05 (i blame it on the hills). He did so awesome. Lance pushed Hilary and ran with Heidi. They finished not too far behind us. Everyone did so great. It was so fun to do something together as a family to remember our sweet Trevin and Tatum. We are blessed.<br />
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Hilary mostly enjoyed the post race popsicles! <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-88162359888732065912014-05-10T23:16:00.001-07:002014-05-10T23:16:50.154-07:00Remembering.....Well, May has been crazy, just like I had assumed it would be. I feel like the Post Traumatic Stress is in full swing. I have flashbacks, and bouts of emotion that just flood unexpectedly. A few weeks ago I was shopping with some friends and I was in a different store than they were and so I was left to my own thoughts. Never a good thing. I was in this busy store and I just kept looking at people and thinking "do you know that my little girl died almost a year ago? My baby died!" I don't know how to explain how surreal it feels to be out in public when your heart is torn apart and everyone seems so normal, and you feel so abnormal. It used to be worse when Tatum first died, obviously. The first times that I went to the grocery store or anywhere were so freaky. You just want to wear a shirt that says, I'm not OK please be nice to me or I might cry. Last night I was driving somewhere and I was trying to quickly compose myself before I arrived at my destination. This has become a regular occurrence lately. I do not like feeling so out of control, but I haven't quite figured out how to master my emotions. <br />
We had a busy week. It started off with another scholarship banquet for Halea. Another free dinner and some free money. Just another day in the life of Halea. She has really set herself up perfectly for college. I am so proud of her. I hope that the other kids will learn from her example. She has put forth a lot of effort, but it has all been worth it. <br />
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We have also been preparing for our Remembrance Walk this week, so that took up some extra time, but everything came together pretty easily. We have it down to a science so I usually don't get too stressed about it. Until I was driving home on Wednesday night and I started getting really nervous about what to say to everyone. Either Melanie or I usually say a few words, something inspiring for the bereaved. Well what was I going to say to them, I am one of them!! I felt a little panic settle in me and I thought about calling Mel and asking her to do that part. Then a calm came over me and I knew I could do it, and that I should. There have been so many good people from this group that have prayed for us, have been concerned for us and have done acts of kindness for our family. How could I not stand and thank them and be an example. I needed to practice what I preach. I didn't know what I would say, but I knew that I would be able to do it, with the help and guidance of the spirit.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7FiN4f-Vay22IGMc8fxaG4UWU-EPpWRLzbmaaxUJEAxVw-x9GLgf1rH_CHIh-Yidl66Y6smsbhE-saT0-G8olbfxpkUfQWtvktR7MXJGiwtvvkZF83u441XdwIAO8LvmVB_43Ehx9lt97/s1600/remembrance+walk+2014+iphone+pics+020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7FiN4f-Vay22IGMc8fxaG4UWU-EPpWRLzbmaaxUJEAxVw-x9GLgf1rH_CHIh-Yidl66Y6smsbhE-saT0-G8olbfxpkUfQWtvktR7MXJGiwtvvkZF83u441XdwIAO8LvmVB_43Ehx9lt97/s1600/remembrance+walk+2014+iphone+pics+020.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>Thursday was our Pinewood Derby for scouts. This is a big deal for the boys so a few of the ladies and myself decided to make cute treats. We went straight to Pinterest of course. People are insanely creative. I don't know how I did not get one bit of that. Luckily I can copy others talents:) I ended up doing these little candy bar cars and the other ladies did stoplight brownies. They all turned out cute. I brought my treat down to the church before Lance got home, so he didn't see what I had made. When we got to the church he and another lady were looking at the treat table. The lady made a comment about the cars being cute and I said that I had made them. Lance said "really, you made those". Nice. I'm not sure if he even tried to hide his surprise. I am hoping he only thought that I wouldn't have made that much effort to make something cute for scouts. That's the story I am sticking with. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKf3wpYMtpkf17l3xnyNk6BW9Tur6a2D3fA-Ucc5RV5Tx-iVjBUYXlIdBVTmFIdgTAp3m3oZNrXU-hBMynxfYVqb0ufwlKvR1slipwjRBUwxSk2EabfXhYsyQzRWXHmarXMiJAmvCsQemD/s1600/remembrance+walk+2014+iphone+pics+027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKf3wpYMtpkf17l3xnyNk6BW9Tur6a2D3fA-Ucc5RV5Tx-iVjBUYXlIdBVTmFIdgTAp3m3oZNrXU-hBMynxfYVqb0ufwlKvR1slipwjRBUwxSk2EabfXhYsyQzRWXHmarXMiJAmvCsQemD/s1600/remembrance+walk+2014+iphone+pics+027.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>This will be our last pinewood derby with Holden. When they turn 11 they move on to Scouts. I really didn't shed one tear. When we found out that Hilary was a girl, and then Tatum too, there was such relief. NO SCOUTS! Yay. It just sort of drives me a little crazy. Not to offend, because I know there are people out there that love it. I just struggle with the constant awards and belt loops and silly cheers. And that, my friends, is why I am a den mother. I am going to work on my attitude. <br />
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I decided that I was going to dedicate Friday to getting everything ready, the house cleaned, the lawn mowed, errands done, etc. so that when the Remembrance Walk was done on Saturday that I could relax and that things would be somewhat nice around the house for Sunday. I get a little irritable if the house isn't tidy. So I was trying to prepare myself to have a nice Mothers Day, no matter what. It has been raining off and on all week so I knew that the grass would be a little wet. When I was driving the kids to school it started drizzling. I got most of the yard done before it started really raining, but the lawn mower was having a hard time. I was glad that I persisted because it was the only time that I would have had to get it done. Such a great feeling when it is done! Then I moved to the inside. I washed my sheets and cleaned my bathroom. Swept the floor, cleaned up the kitchen. I had one of my micro bursts of energy, so I really tried to capitalize. I got a lot done. <br />
When Lance got home that night we went out to dinner to the restaurant we went to the day before Tatum had her big seizure. It is still a little strange to go there. He and I really need to be able to spend time together. Sometimes I feel like we are on different planets, occasionally walking next to each other. I feel like our grief has been so different this time. We grieved together when Trevin died. Because we have so many other people in our lives and other distractions, it has been harder to grieve together. It is one of my goals to work on that. <br />
When we got home I started working on getting a few things ready for the walk. I was trying to think about what I needed to say, but nothing was really coming together. I knew that it would come, I am just a little impatient. I was going to leave a few things to morning, but I decided to get everything done so I could concentrate on just getting my thoughts together. I was really glad I had made that decision.<br />
This morning I got up a little before six so I could go run. I get really good thinking done when I run. Zoe and I headed out a little after six. The thoughts started coming about mile 2. I really felt like I needed to just talk about the basic things that I have known about grief, that have been reconfirmed over this past year. Several points came to my mind. It was a beautiful morning. I was so grateful for a kind Heavenly Father who never disappoints me when I put forth my own efforts to accomplish something good. Grateful for guidance from the Holy Ghost. When I got home the thoughts just flowed. It took me about 20 minutes to get everything down. Check. <br />
A little before nine Lance and Halea and I headed out. We picked up the balloons, all 120 of them. It made me wonder what we will do next year if we sell the van. It was literally full all the way to the back of the van. <br />
<br />
It was a little chilly at the park. I was really grateful that it wasn't raining. I love this day. It is like a big reunion for Melanie and I. We get to see all of these amazing families that are surviving. The love and the power that is felt when they gather is pretty incredible. I know that our children look down on us and they are proud of what we are all doing. We are brave and courageous and strong, even when we don't want to be. That power is tangible on this day. I am going to include the talk that I gave at the end of this post so if you were there and couldn't hear or if you just care to read it you can. It was a great morning.<br />
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Afterward our friend from the hospital foundation that helps us every year met us at the hospital and we took the leftover muffins and fruit to the staff on L and D and the NICU. I love those people. They have all been so good to me over the years, especially this past year. <br />
<br />
The rest of my day was super lazy. I came home and took a little nap. I can't remember the last time I took a nap. It didn't take long for Hilary to discover that I was sleeping. She came over and handed me my phone and put my glasses on me, while I was sleeping. She was asking me questions, etc. The other kids were being super noisy in the kitchen, so I finally just gave up. In my Mother's Day weekend preparation I had picked up a take and bake pizza from Costco so I wouldn't have to have no answer to the dreaded question, "what's for dinner?" Does anyone else hate that question as much as I do? It makes me so mad every time they ask it, which is several times a day! I especially hate it when I don't know what's for dinner!! Another thing I am trying to change my attitude about. <br />
I got in my pajamas about 7:00 and started watching a little Dateline when there was a knock at my door. It was one of my friends with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and some macaroons! She said she thought tomorrow might be hard so she wanted to do something nice for me. My cousin had just sent me a text about 10 minutes before, wishing me a happy Mother's Day because she also realized that it might be a hard day. How are people so thoughtful? I am really not that thoughtful. Another thing that I should try to improve in myself. I am really grateful and lucky for the good friends and family that I have. I feel pretty undeserving, but right now I will take it.<br />
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My last thought of the night. My friend posted this quote the other day and I really loved it. "We can't earn exaltation, but we can indicate through our faith and behavior that we desire it more than anything else. That is discipleship". Sheri Dew<br />
I hope that through my actions I am showing Heavenly Father that I am trying, even when I don't want to, because I love Him and His son and I know that through them I can do anything. I hope that I am being the best representative of them that I can be. I want to be more fit for Heaven so that when all is said and done I can be with my family forever. <br />
<br />
Here is my little talk from this morning:<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I felt like
I needed to stand and thank everyone. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I
want to first thank Melanie and Dennis.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Like my family, Melanie and her family make many sacrifices to
participate in this beautiful program.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">She has been a good friend, an example, a support and passionate for our
cause.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Especially this past year she has
been a rock for me to depend on.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">What
can I say about Dennis?</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">He has been our
biggest proponent and friend.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Always a
support for what we do, and we almost lost him this year with some health
issues.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">What a great reminder of how
fragile life is and what is really important.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">We also wanted to thank everyone here who has allowed Melanie or myself
to come in and be with your family during your most difficult time.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">It is a blessing in our lives and we are
grateful for your willingness to share that time with us.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> I don’t want this to be about me, but I feel
like I would be remiss if I did not thank all here who have sent prayers heaven
ward in this past year for my family. I
have felt and seen the power of prayer.
I know that it is real and I want all of you to know that we have been
carried by your prayers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Over this
past year I have had the opportunity to reflect on and reconfirm my
understanding of grief. I wanted to
share a few things that I know and some thoughts that I have had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">First, grieving
women are certifiable. I can’t speak for
men, because I am not one, but I know that hormones, emotions and grief are a
volatile cocktail to be reckoned with, and it makes us literally a little
crazy. I think that if we can
understand this fact, we will be kinder to ourselves and to those around us. We need to reevaluate our expectations of
what we can and cannot do while we are in the throws of grief. Sometimes you just have to survive, and
that’s OK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Second, there
are no words. There is nothing that
anyone can say that will ever take away the sting of losing a child. Period.
What goes along with this, however, is that people are going to try and
say words. Why do they try, usually
because they love us and they want to help.
If we accept this, the words will not offend us so much. I do know that our own words to ourselves can
help. I am a big believer in “self
talk”. I believe what you say to
yourself is what you become. I know that
if we speak kind words to those around us and especially to ourselves it can
empower us to become a much better
person, more prepared for heaven . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Third,
everyone grieves differently. There is
no manual, no step by step, no way around.
We all must walk through the grief, and we all do it in our own unique
way, and that is OK. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Fourth,
grief is physical. There were many days
in this past year, and I am sure you can all relate, that I thought I might
literally stop breathing or my heart would stop. During those times it felt like it would have
been a welcome relief. Along with this,
I know how resilient our physical bodies and our human spirits are. We are all here. We can survive those excruciating, heart
breaking times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The last
thing that I hope you especially remember is the reason that we all gather
here. It is because we have lost a child,
a part of ourselves, but really it is because we have loved. If we do not love, we do not grieve. Someone brought me an invite to a baby shower
a few days ago and it had a Winnie the Pooh quote on it “Sometimes the smallest
things take up the most room in your heart”.
I thought this was most appropriate for how we all feel. I also loved the quote that Melanie found to
go on our favor today. It says<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“grief never
ends, but it changes, it’s a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack
of faith, it is the price of love.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I hope today
that as we read our children's names and release the balloons that we remember
the loss, but celebrate the love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-54134096917822454582014-05-01T23:48:00.000-07:002014-05-01T23:48:24.029-07:00Dreaded May 2014....Before I dive into my feelings for May, I need to finish up April. It has been an absolutely crazy month, and the end was no different!<br />
Last week I was called in for work to a hospital that I don't visit as often as the others. I maybe go there 10 times a year. So I know the nurses there, but not nearly as well as I do at the other facilities. As I was working with the sweet baby one of the techs came back to watch me do the hand molds. She hadn't seen them done before so she just wanted to see the process. As we were visiting she reminded me of who she was. She had lost a baby a few years before. I remembered her story perfectly, but I did not recognize her. I always feel bad, but the moms usually look so different when they are in the hospital as opposed to after they have recovered from their delivery, showered and put clothes on. I normally recognize the dads, because they look the same, but not the moms as much. It was nice to talk to her and get caught up. She has since had another baby and things seem good for her. She seemed to know a little bit about Tatum, so we talked a little about my situation too. I am always so happy to see people years down the road. They never forget, and those tender feelings are still there, but they change and grow into their potential. That part of this process can be very beautiful. <br />
As I was getting ready to leave the hospital one of the nurses that I have known for a lot of years came up and said, (with a big innocent smile on her face), "How is your baby? She's probably not a baby anymore" In my head I thought, yeah she isn't a baby anymore, she is a full grown spirit. I tried to tell her in the nicest way that Tatum had died and that yes she wasn't a baby anymore because she would have been turning two in May. Her face just screamed devastation, embarrassment and sadness. I felt so bad for her. I kept trying to make her feel better and reassure her that it wasn't her fault that she didn't know. Poor thing, I hope I didn't ruin her day. It was not a great start to my day either, really. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS_2P0B1I6cMuJeVDqJZ5_Xw53qWrHwZGKPlnnjM9LLwQcVL7SqKe_fl7SVTVyw_Xz_TosmLEcORk_VGR-pliowj-2KY9bnHue9EN3LYmF-mvboHjHzIqlMQyjxTDIoIaEbaQErOp0yF2p/s1600/Prom+2014+007.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS_2P0B1I6cMuJeVDqJZ5_Xw53qWrHwZGKPlnnjM9LLwQcVL7SqKe_fl7SVTVyw_Xz_TosmLEcORk_VGR-pliowj-2KY9bnHue9EN3LYmF-mvboHjHzIqlMQyjxTDIoIaEbaQErOp0yF2p/s1600/Prom+2014+007.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>The better news of the week was that Halea found out that she was going to be the Prom Queen. Hilarious. It was really cute. The student council came and kidnapped her and all of the other royalty and took them to breakfast. It is something that she never would have aspired to, but she felt pretty honored that her peers chose her. Really sweet. <br />
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The picture is a little dark because it was 4:00AM!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
Several weeks ago we were talking about Prom and dresses and Halea told me that she had decided to wear the same dress that she wore to Prom last year. Her dress was so pretty and a little more pricey than any of her other dresses, so I thought this was a great idea. She is so wise when it comes to her money. She must get that from me. hahahahah!! When she was getting ready on Saturday she said to me, "I can't believe that it has been a year since I was getting ready for Prom last year. And Tatum was here.". I told her that I was glad that she chose to wear the same dress this year because it felt sentimental to me. She agreed. She liked that it reminded her of last year when Tatum was right here in the kitchen as she was getting ready. So sad to be making all of these new memories without sweet Tatum. I am grateful that we can try to weave our new memories with our old. It makes it feel like she is still a part of our lives.<br />
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<br />
Oh that smile. I miss that smile.<br />
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Hilary was way more impressed with the flower for her date than anything!<br />
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Obviously Prom 2013. Tates just soaked it all in.<br />
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Here is Prom 2014. <br />
<br />
So Halea has been having the best senior year. Icing on the cake, we found out on Wednesday that she will also be speaking at her graduation. We are so very proud of her. She has worked so hard and has done her best to be herself and follow her passions. <br />
<br />
On Monday I went over to my good friends house so she could help design a card that I needed for a bridal shower I am having for a friend. She was watching two of her nephews, one of which is about 5 months old. She said that he had had a cranky day and only wanted to be held. As we started to work on the computer he started to get cranky, so I picked him up to try and settle him. It felt amazing. I don't know if I have held a baby like that since Tatum died. I have had the craving to hold a baby since she died, but just haven't. It felt amazing. It felt right. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I miss holding someone who cuddles like that. Hilary came up immediately and started stroking his little head and said how cute he was. I know she misses her baby too.<br />
<br />
On Tuesday I ended up spending about 7 hours at the hospital helping with a patient. Every time I go to Utah Valley I just have the overwhelming wish to be there with Tatum. No one "likes" to be in the hospital, especially with a sick child. I just always felt safe there, like I had another set of eyes helping me to watch Tatum and make sure that she was going to be safe and OK and comfortable. I was among my hospital family and I could focus solely on Tates. I really miss being there with her. I know that must sound really weird. <br />
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Tonight Halea and I were able to go and visit with her very favorite High School teacher and his family. Their 5 month old baby died three weeks ago. This teacher truly helped shape Halea into the person she is today. He has had such a positive influence on her life. I am forever grateful to him. When we found out that it was their baby that died we were so devastated for them. Halea's comment was "They are such good people". Unfortunately that does not protect us. We are all sent here to learn and grow and change and reach our potentials. This can only be accomplished through trial. <br />
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I have absolutely been dreading the month of May. First of all, it was a really hard month last year. Tatum was in and out of the hospital with aspiration several times and I felt like the entire month was spent trying to get the doctors to switch her feeding tube out. I just knew once I could get her tube switched and a pic line for her that her health would improve and that she could be more comfortable. This just wasn't to be. <br />
There are also 2 birthdays in May (Tatum 23rd and Trevin 27th). Then there is Halea's big graduation, which brings with it another set of crazy emotions. Then there is Tatum's graduation day. I truly can't believe that we have all made it a year. ( I guess we haven't "made" it yet!). I don't want to say it has been a year. That sounds so long ago. <br />
The other day I was having a conversation with someone about time. When you are grieving, one of the favorite comforting lines that people like to say to you is "time will heal all things". Well, that is a lie. Time does not heal all wounds. Time gives your muscles time to build up so that you can carry your heavy wounds a little easier. I feel like time is my enemy sometimes because I feel like I forget things and details that I don't want to forget. Time enlarges the gulf of the last time I was able to hold Trevin or Tatum, which I hate. On the other hand as time ticks, it brings me closer to the time I will see them again. I definitely have a love hate relationship with time.<br />
I don't want to have a negative month, so we are trying to prepare for the upcoming days and we are trying to create some positive traditions so that we can celebrate the beautiful time we were able to have with Trevin and Tatum, because we know how much of a gift that is. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-64010311992425914552014-04-23T19:55:00.000-07:002014-04-23T19:55:02.099-07:00Easter Brought Hope....On Easter Sunday one of my good friends sent me a text message after church just letting me know that she was thinking of me. I think that she realized that Easter might be hard for us because Trevin had his first big seizure on Easter. It was so sweet for her to even put that all together. I am very fortunate that Easter, even that Easter Sunday, has always been a day of great hope. I have never associated Easter with a bad feeling, or sadness. Sadness that it took suffering, great suffering, from the Savior to save us all, but never sadness for myself. I actually thought it so fitting that our world be turned upside down on such a hopeful day. ALL was overcome on that day. All suffering, sadness, pain, sin, physical and spiritual death, everything. He saved us from everything, and now all I have to do is my part. If anything, having such a horrible event in our lives fall on that most hopeful day, has made it more of a reality to us. We know it is true. It has been etched in our hearts. <br />
I was actually really excited about the entire weekend of Easter. We had two egg hunts planned, one for the little kids at our house and one for the older kids at my brother in laws house. We also had one of Halea's scholarship banquets to attend. It was going to be a really busy day and Sunday we were doing the Passover Dinner, like in the Old Testament. I was hoping being busy would be good for me. Last year, Tates was here for the egg hunt and Easter. Everyone was here. Lance's sister and her husband that live in St. George even came up for it. It was just a really nice day. Tatum even got to go out and sit on the porch swing. Easter was just another one of the firsts without her. We kept everything really simple this year. I was able to stuff the eggs the night before, made most of the dinner the night before so the morning went really smooth and low stress. We ate when everyone arrived, then off to the egg hunt. We had four little nephews come and Hilary. All five and under! What great, easy ages to please.<br />
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Hilary was not about to stand in a picture with the boys!?<br />
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Can you tell which boys are brothers? Apparently we need to get these kids together more often.<br />
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Then we just hung out and visited. One of the families we don't see super often stayed for quite awhile after everyone else left. Lance and I had a list a mile long of things that we should have been doing, (and I'm sure they did too) but it was so fun to visit with them. While Tatum was sick I learned very quickly that a lot of things just don't matter. People and relationships and friendships matter. I have tried hard to maintain that pattern of thought. I try to not get caught up on the "things" in life. I am so not perfect at it, but I am trying to improve and pause a lot more. I was so grateful that they stayed and visited. It was one of the highlights of my day. At one point in the day my nephew's wife and I were peering out the window watching the kids playing in the back yard. She said to me, "it's so hard to watch Hilary by herself, without Tatum." She nailed it. I was thankful for her words. I know that some people see it and think it, but it's too hard to say. It is nice for someone else to say it. It is killing me every day to think of her growing up without her side kick. The other day I opened our iPad and one of the kids had changed the wallpaper picture to a picture of Tatum that I hadn't seen in awhile. I showed it to Hilary and she said, "Aww." and sighed this sad sigh. I told her that I missed her a lot, and she nodded and gave me a hug.<br />
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Lance and I met Halea in Salt Lake for the scholarship banquet, another 500.00 to add to her pot of college money. It was a nice program and a yummy dinner. We sat with a few other kids from Lehi, so that was nice. Then we rushed home and grabbed the other kids and went up to the big kids night egg hunt. It was really fun. Lance's sister that died a year and a half ago used to organize it with her daughter, so now her daughter does it. It feels really important to keep these traditions alive. It helps us to solidify those fond memories of loved ones. I still really miss my sister-in-law. My kids still call their house "aunt Becky's". She was always such a good aunt to our kids. She truly loved them, so I know that she is taking care of Trevin and Tatum. <br />
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Sacrament meeting at church was nice. All of the talks were sweet and true testaments of our Savior. After sacrament I was walking to my class when someone came up to me in the hall and asked if I would go and help in the nursery. A nursery full of kids that are Tatum's age. I know that people don't keep track of how old Tatum would be, so I don't blame anyone, but it is still really hard for me to see and imagine what it would be like if she was still here. So in I went to nursery. When I got there I realized why she had asked me to help. There were several kids crying. There were several adults, but there were enough kids crying that it still seemed chaotic. I took one of the criers and slowly he calmed down and then started participating. Soon everyone was pretty calm, so after a half hour or so I excused myself. There are two little girls in there that were born within weeks of Tatum. They are both so adorable. I don't even think of Tatum walking or talking or doing the things that they are doing because I know that she wouldn't be doing those things. I don't want that regular two year old, I just want Tatum. I wish that these feeling would subside, but they just seem to be getting harder and worse. My heart literally just aches for her. <br />
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When I got home I started getting prepared for our Passover dinner. My niece and her husband were coming, so I wanted to be prepared. I tried to set the table pretty and then I read over the old testament scriptures that cover the Passover and its symbolism. <br />
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On Wednesday before Easter we had our Relief Society class. The teacher prepared the passover dinner for all of us. We studied the scriptures and then studied those last few days before Christ's Atonement and crucifixion. It was so emotional. I love the symbolism of the dinner items. They first eat the bitter herbs that represented their bondage, and sin. Our teacher told us to watch the person next to us as we ate them. That face you make when you eat those disgusting herbs truly is a great representation of sin! Then you immediately want the next course, the unleavened bread. (we used pita bread for convenience) As you put the bread into your mouth it absorbs a lot of the taste, but not all. The bread represents repentance (our part). Then the last part of the meal, the meat. The first passover dinners used lamb. They were to sacrifice the lamb, paint the blood over the door for protection. The lamb was to represent the Savior, obviously. As you eat the meat, it truly takes away any remnants of the bitter herbs that were left in your mouth. It is such a great visual of what the Savior truly does for us. He does what no one else can do. At the last supper the Savior changes the passover ordinance to the sacrament that we take to this day. I had never put that last part together. At our Wednesday class we talked about that last supper before Christ was taken away. It says in the scriptures that he "desired" to eat it with his disciples. He knew what was about to happen to him, and yet he still desired to do it because He loved all of us that much. He knew it was the only way. It is truly a gift that I can never repay. I will see Trevin and Tatum and Aunt Becky and my sister and my grandpa and countless other friends and relatives, because of this selfless act. How could I ever be thankful enough for such hope. I feel an even deeper appreciation for what it all means after this past week. </div>
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I have seen several small miracles in the past few weeks. There were a few things that were a worry to me going into our trip with Halea. While we were on our trip they all worked out. No one even knew I was worried about these things, but my Heavenly Father did. I had been praying about them, and miraculously they got fixed. Not coincidences. </div>
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Our trip with Halea was fantastic. I may try and write about it in the next few days. There were some really inspiring things that we were able to see. She has received notice of several scholarships that she has won, she was told today that she is in the top 25 graduating students so she gets to "audition" to speak at her graduation. Then she found out today that she is also in the Prom royalty! We were laughing our heads off because it isn't really her thing and she wouldn't consider herself one of the "popular" kids. I am so glad that she has had such a great senior year. She has worked hard on her grades and other accomplishments, so I am happy to see her recognized for that. Here is a sampling of her senior pictures that we just had taken. They turned out so beautiful. </div>
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Hayden has been playing tennis and loving it. I think that he really likes the "tan" he's getting. I have had so much fun watching him play. I LOVE tennis! The other day he was playing a kid from one of the more affluent schools. The other kid was killing him, but when that kid would miss a shot he would still get so mad. Hayden on the other hand had such a good attitude. His body language was springy and happy even though he was struggling. Even when the other kid would make a good shot Hayden would clap and tell him, "good shot" or "good serve". I was teary watching him. I was so proud to be his mom. (he never lets me take pictures of him, so no photo shown)</div>
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Heidi had an assignment to find an insect and keep it alive in a container for a month!! Thanks a lot science teacher. Well, it has consumed her and Holden's life for the past week. She took several days to find the right kind of insect. She finally settled on a snail. Then it took several days for her and Holden to find one. They found the smallest snail I have ever seen. It is adorable, as far as snails go. She is doing good in school and blossoming into a beautiful person.<br />
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Holden is wearing one of the trinkets that he won at the night egg hunt. It is fitting. He is quite a character. He announced at 7:30 pm last night that his county report was due, the next day! OK, I should have been a little more on top of things, but really no warning!! He worked hard all night and got the bare minimum done. I hope that this is not a foreshadowing of things to come. He is such a quiet little light in our home. He is genuinely sweet and kind hearted. Hopefully we can help him channel his energy to the good things in life. If so he will do great things.</div>
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Then there is this girl. My good friend got her these glasses for her birthday. She had so much fun in the restaurant with them. She is the light of our lives. I don't know what I would do without her. <br />
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Here they are upside down....<br />
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She has changed my perspective on life, helped me look through different glasses. I love her. She has helped heal my sad heart. She has truly kept the sunshine in our family. Forever grateful and full of hope.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-6938851034658978442014-04-17T23:05:00.003-07:002014-04-17T23:05:30.250-07:00Someone Turned 4....Well, back date this post to April 6, 2014. I feel like my life spun out of control, right about Hilary's birthday. We were frantically planning Halea's senior trip and poor Hilary had her birthday land right in the middle of that storm. Not to mention that her birthdays are forever going to be hard for me. <br />
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I can't stand that my baby here, is 4. It just isn't computing in my mind. I love how cute and independent she is, but it is also really hard for me, because we should also have an adorable sweet toddler. The other thing that has really bothered me is that she is now in a year of her life that Tatum will never be. I didn't realize how hard this would be for me. Last year my world was still somewhat in tact, right now it feels far from it. <br />
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We tried to make the entire day a celebration for her. We let her open a little present first thing in the morning and she liked that. We had blown up some balloons and put it out on the counter for her when she woke up. I decided that I wanted to actually "make" the cake from scratch, not a box cake. Dumb! It looked great and smelled great, until I tried to get the cakes out of the round pans to put on the pretty cake plate. Never try a new cake recipe on the day of the birthday. Lesson learned. The cakes just crumbled as I was taking them out of the pans. I quickly made a box cake:) So much for trying to be that mom.<br />
Then Halea gave her a mani and a pedi.<br />
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We went to church and when we got home we had some lunch. <br />
I started frosting the cake and of course, the cake started crumbing while I was pulling the frosting across the cake!! I just couldn't win. I finally got it somewhat frosted and sort of decorated. This was by far my ugliest cake. She said that she wanted pink and purple, I got close. Luckily she is four and could care less.<br />
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That night my niece and her husband came over and our nephew who is here for a month from California came over.<br />
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We had cake and ice cream. It was really a fun, low key night. I just don't like the constant pervasive thoughts of being horrified that these two little girls are not going to grow up together. It leaves my heart so hallow and broken. <br />
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The next few days were spent trying to get everything ready to leave on our big senior trip for Halea. There is a lot of anxiety for me whenever I fly. The fact that Lance and Halea were both going to be on the airplane was really freaking me out. What would happen to the other kids if our plane goes down? Who could raise them? How would they recover from that? This was a constant loop that ran until we landed in New York. <br />The night before we left the hospital ER called. There was a little 5 month old that came to the ER that died. My friend that I work with responded to the call because we were leaving early the next morning and so I had already given her our work bag. I talked to her later and it was such a sad story. The parents were out of town and the grandma was in charge. My heart was so sick for that family. The grandma, who could possibly never forgive herself. The parents who were not able to be there to hold their sweet baby for his last moments here on earth. Devastating. A few days into our trip, we found out that the father of that sweet baby was Halea's all time favorite High School teacher. Literally, this man inspired Halea to be a better student. He sparked her love for American History. He confirmed that there are still teachers out there that care and go above and beyond their "requirements". She had him her sophomore year, and she still refers to him and his teachings. I could go on and on about how he changed her. To find out that it was him and his wife that lost their sweet baby was awful. Such a reminder of how fragile all of our lives are. We just don't know what is around the corner. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that has restored the truth to the earth, that families are forever, that we are eternal beings, that this is not the end. Because of our Savior, we will all overcome death and live again. What hope this knowledge gives. This does not remove the sadness, but it does lend comfort and refuge to our broken hearts. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-90571000149580292352014-04-04T00:13:00.000-07:002014-04-04T00:13:01.031-07:0020 Years...Today is the 20 year anniversary of the beginning of our life with Alpers Syndrome. We didn't have a name for the scary disease that slowly took Trevin from us until about 5 years ago. Twenty years ago, we just knew that our lives would never be the same.<br />
On Saturday April 2nd, 1994 we spent the night playing cards with Lance's nephew and his wife. Trevin played with us until about 8:30 pm and then we put him to bed.<br />
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At around 10:00 he woke up crying. We went to his room to check on him and he had thrown up in his bed. It was the most throw up I had ever seen. I couldn't believe that it had all come from such a little person. Sorry to be so graphic, but it was a little alarming. We took him to the bathroom and gave him a bath. I noticed that he was really lethargic, but I chalked it up to all of the throwing up. Who would feel like holding up their head after all that. We cleaned up his bed and gave him some drinks and then snuggled him back in bed. If I remember correctly our friends left around midnight and Lance and I headed off to bed.<br />
At around 2:30 or 3:00am I heard something that woke me up with a start. I sat straight up in bed and went straight to Trevin's room, because I was sure that the noise had come from his room. Now, at this time we were living in a really old house in Provo. One of those houses with super thick walls. Even if Trevin had made a noise, I would not have heard him. When I got to his room I turned on a light and went to his crib. His eyes were open and he was looking at me and he was convulsing and could not make any noise. I scooped him up and ran into our bedroom. I flipped on the light and laid him at the end of our bed so that Lance could see what he was doing. I said, "what is he doing?" Neither of us knew. I ran to our phone in the kitchen, pulled out our phone book and looked up my pediatricians phone number. I dialed the number that I thought was his office. On the other end I heard a mans voice, that I immediately recognized as my pediatrician. (upon later investigation I realized that my Pediatrician had his home phone # listed right under his office #. Most doctors never listed their home phone numbers so that they didn't have crazy patients accidentally, or on purpose, calling them at home!) I was horrified and worried and embarrassed that I woke him up. I began apologizing. He quickly said, "what is the matter?" I explained that my baby was convulsing. He told me to take him to the emergency room immediately, he was the doctor on call for the night and so they would call him if they needed him. I thanked him and Lance and I quickly pulled on some clothes (I think) and buckled Trevin in his car seat, while I sat in the back seat with him, holding his hand. (I was so safety conscious that I buckled him in his seat! Why I didn't just hold him I'll never know)<br />
Luckily we only lived about 6 or 7 blocks from the hospital. We walked through the emergency room doors and I told the people standing there that I didn't know what was happening but that my baby was convulsing. They brought us to a room and laid Trevin down on a big gurney like bed. They immediately started asking us questions and trying to get IV access. Because he had been seizing for awhile, his veins were really constricted. They didn't have us stay in the room for very long. Shortly after the nurses started working on Trevin they escorted us to a "waiting" room. I now know that it is the "bad news" room. It seemed like an eternity passed. They had called our pediatrician and he came in after a very long while to talk to us. (We found out later that our Pediatricians car had broken down on the way to the hospital. I can't remember how he ended up getting to the hospital, but we were so grateful to have him there with us) He told us that they didn't know why Trevin was convulsing, and that they had a really hard time getting an IV and so they had to make an incision in his little ankle and they did a needle straight into the bone in his leg to get a good vein so they could administer some seizure medications to him. They had to give him so much medication that he was no longer able to breathe on his own. They had intubated him. We were told that he was being admitted and transferred up to the Pediatrics floor. A few nurses would walk up with us and help get us settled in our room and then we could begin investigating what was happening to our sweet boy. <br />
When we were reunited with Trevin I was shocked. He had a big tube down his throat and a nurse was standing there with something that looked like a huge sized bulb syringe. I quickly realized that he was breathing for our son until we could get up to our room. He was rhythmically pushing air into Trevins lungs until we got to a room where he could be hooked up to a ventilator. I felt like we were in a medical show on TV. That is the only place I had seen such a thing. Only this was now real life. Our life.<br />
We got to a room and started to get settled. At this point, we obviously had no idea the magnitude of what had just happened to Trevin. This was the morning of Easter Sunday and General Conference weekend for our church. We had just listened to the leaders of our church on Saturday speak of the amazing truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We were so filled with hope and faith that all would be well. <br />
As I sat in the rocking chair next to Trevin's bed in that hospital room I started thinking about the events of the morning. I realized that we had already witnessed a miracle. I knew that an angel had woken me from a dead sleep just hours before. Trevin could not make a sound when I found him and I suspect that he had been lying there helpless like that for some time. Who knows what would have happened to him if I had slept for another 4 or 5 hours. We probably would have just found him dead. I don't think that his little body could have sustained seizing for much longer when I found him. I was so grateful at that moment. <br />
When our doctor came in to brief us on Trevins prognosis, he was very honest with us. He said that things looked grim and that they had no idea what they were up against. Until they knew that we wouldn't have too many answers or know exactly how to proceed. <br />
They began running test after test. They interviewed us several times about things that he had eaten, chemicals around the house, our medical history, family history, etc. We brought a picture of Trevin in to his room so that all of the nurses could see his beautiful blue sparkling eyes. They all fell in love with him and took such good care of him. <br />
After three days Trevin was able to breathe on his own again and we were able to take him off of the ventilator. After 11 long days in the hospital we walked out with a different child. Trevin could no longer hold up his head, he couldn't eat very well, he couldn't move his arms or legs, roll over or sit anymore. The seizure had devastated him physically beyond measure. Spiritually I felt like he had matured over night. His eyes were wiser and he seemed more patient, with us and himself. I can't imagine the frustration that he must have been feeling, suddenly unable to do anything that he had worked so hard to learn in the first 10 months of his life. Even though Trevin was profoundly different, we were so thrilled to have him. We know that he could have died on April 3rd and we would have never known how or why. We were so grateful for yet another miracle, that we were able to take him home and adjust to our new life. We didn't know what our time frame was at this point. In fact we were very hopeful that we would have him for a long time because he had such fight in him. None of the doctors thought we would ever take him home. We went on to have 8 more months with our sweet boy. He helped change the course of our lives and who we have become today, and we will be forever in his debt for that. I was never a perfect mother. Never as patient as I could have been. But he was patient with me, and loved me unconditionally, always. I could feel that from him. <br />
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Some days he could muster just enough energy to move his little hand up to grab the brim of his hat, or the crinkly ear on his Pluto dog toy. You can tell he wasn't feeling super good this day. For some reason Trevin had a little more tone than Tatum did after her first big seizure. He could tolerate sitting supported like this, where she could not. She was literally paralyzed for the rest of her life once she had her seizure. She could never hold her head, turn her head, move her arms or legs, etc. Sweet little girl. As their mother I feel such a bond with these special little people that I was so graciously granted time to take care of. When I think about the bond that they must have with one another, it is overwhelming. They can truly understand one anothers earthly struggles. Oh how I miss them.<br />
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Who goes camping with a feeding tube, Trevin does! I was the same, even 20 years ago. Living by the motto, Walkers do hard things. <br />
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Since that Easter Sunday April 3rd, 1994, Easter has been a tender time for me. Not in a bad way, but a very good way. It is a beautiful time to reflect on the beautiful hope that the resurrection brings to each one of our lives. It is a gift that we have all been freely given from our Savior. He is the reason that I know that Trevin is OK. He overcame death so that we could all live again, as He does. I am forever grateful for the gift of knowing and understanding this simple gospel truth, that this is not the end. My heart could not continue beating if I did not know that I will see my sweet Trevin again. As the Easter season approaches I pray that my heart will be open to feel the peace and hope that it offers from the One who gave everything for me, and who remembers me. Me. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-43125363504437116462014-03-31T20:41:00.003-07:002014-03-31T20:41:34.994-07:0010 Months...Today as I was running home with Hilary in the stroller the song "One More Day" by Diamond Rio came on. I used to hear that song every day on the radio while Tates was sick. It must have been scheduled on the play list right around the time I was getting ready every morning. At first it made me sad because it was a constant reminder that Tatum's time was ticking away and one day I would be singing this song, thinking of her because, like Trevin, she would be gone. Soon I learned to use it as a reminder to slow down and enjoy her time here with us. I really fell in love with the lyrics for that reason. The lyrics talk about all of the things that you would never do if you knew that it was your last day with someone. No TV, no telephone, just hugs and kisses and telling them you love them. They nailed it. <br />
I first heard the song years ago when another mom used it in the video that they did of their sweet baby girl that had died just a few days after birth. I have always loved it. I haven't heard it on the radio for awhile, and so it was appropriate that I would hear it today while I was contemplating the passage of time, and what I wouldn't give for just one more day. <br />
Hilary heard them go into the chorus, "One more day, one more time, etc." and she said "One more day, what?" I said, "yeah, they wish they could have one more day together, don't you wish you could have one more day to spend with Tatum?" She was quiet for a minute and then she said, "Yeah but she is gone". I said "I know, but what would you do if you could see her again? I would like to sit out in the sunshine and blow bubbles with her because I think that she liked both of those things, sunshine and bubbles." Hilary was quiet for a second and then she said, "I want to blow bubbles with her!", kind of in an agitated voice. This kind of snapped me out of my conversation. I sometimes forget that she is 3! Why did I talk to her about these things? She doesn't have a concept of time, so she just knows that Tatum was here, and now she is gone. Why is mom talking about her coming back! Yikes. Bad mom move. I stopped for a second and told her that we couldn't blow bubbles with Tatum because she was right that she is gone. But I could blow bubbles with her (Hilary) and I am so happy that I can do that. She laughed and agreed. What a great reminder for me. I still have Hilary, and that makes me so very lucky. <br />
Nothing much to say today. I just miss our sweet Tatum. I can't even comprehend that it has been 10 months since I last saw her beautiful, blue, knowing eyes. Ten months since I got to hold her and kiss her and change her diaper and give her a bath and stroke her sweet head, and carry her out of our house for the last time. Load her into the back of the morticians van onto the stretcher and cover her with a blanket. How can it be? I hope she sees that we are trying so hard to be brave and honor her by trying to be better people. I love her so much. My heart is so heavy. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10223228768595705300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1678158103626624695.post-54334979790326558692014-03-29T22:44:00.002-07:002014-03-29T22:44:38.034-07:00My Own March Madness....I feel like March has been the looongest month. I don't know why. Maybe because we are waiting for Halea's trip? It has been crazy busy the past two weeks, so usually that will make the month seem faster. This time it has not. I couldn't even tell you what exactly I have been doing for the past few weeks, but it has been really busy. I think this past week I was averaging about 3 hours of sleep every night. Either I can't sleep or the hospital calls. Luckily I have a little of my dad in me and I can usually function pretty good off of that amount. I know that it isn't good for my overall health, so I am hoping that my schedule is improved a little this week. <br />
The hospital has been quite crazy this week. I have had several calls to the hospital then we had our support group meeting that my friend and I run and then we had an all day training in Salt Lake. Our support group was pretty good this month. Some months are definitely better than others. We had a few people come that haven't ever come before. There were a few things shared that I wanted to record so I will remember them. There is always a question that bereaved parents hate to answer, "how many kids do you have?" I have a lot of really funny stories about this. One time I was in Walmart getting some last minute Kindergarten items for Halea. The lady in front of me started a conversation. She asked Halea if she was getting ready for Kindergarten, etc. Then she asked me if Halea was my oldest. Well I didn't really want to explain to the Walmart lady my life story, so I said "yes". Halea turned around, looked up at me and said, "I'm not your oldest". I then proceeded to tell the Walmart lady my life story. When people used to ask her if she was the oldest in her family, she would almost always reply "I'm the oldest still alive!" The kids usually don't let you get off easy. I used to evaluate people when they would ask me this question. 1. am I going to see them ever again? then I would sometimes answer with only my kids that were alive 2. is there an opportunity for them to ask more questions, my answer would usually be only the kids alive. 3. I am going to see them again, then I would include Trevin because they would eventually find out so I had better tell them and get all of the awkwardness out of the way now. I got pretty quick at assessing what I would say. Sometimes if Lance and I were together I would not say anything so he would have to answer. I always wanted to hear what he would say. He would usually look at me, pause, and not include Trevin, to avoid further questions. Several times we got some really weird glances because I know people were thinking, "do they not remember how many kids they have? Seems like a pretty straight forward question".<br />
This night at group there was a couple there that had lost their first baby, so they had no other kids. She wanted everyone to tell her how they answer that question. Everyone had a little different way of doing it. One lady says I have one son who is (age) and our youngest son died on the day he was born. I felt so bad for this sweet family that has no other children. I remember that feeling of being completely lost. She said you don't feel like a mother, but you are. I so remember that. It was so heart breaking to listen to some of her feelings. I can't believe that our human hearts don't just break from the anguish you feel when you lose a sweet baby. <br />
Then there is the phrase that people use that we don't know exactly how to respond, "I'm so sorry". Now, we would much rather people say that than something silly like, "you are the parent of an angel, how lucky", "she was too good for this world", "he's in a better place", "he's better off". The list could go on and on. When people say that they are sorry for our loss, I usually just say thank you and move on, because what else should I say, "you should be sorry". If you say that, they might report you to the crazy police. A lady at our group shared what she says in response to all of the "I'm sorry's". She says "It is a privilege to be his mom and I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with him." I just thought that was so sweet. I think that is how all of us feel. It is a privilege and an honor to be a parent for any length of time. <br />
The last thing was from a sweet dad. The first time dad that had a full term sweet baby. The wife was relating a story. She said that they were talking about their feelings or something and he said, "I want to live my life so that she can visit us and want to be around us everyday." When there are bad feelings or you create a poor spiritual atmosphere around you these sweet perfect little beings can not really be in our presence. What an amazing goal to set. It could fix a lot of things in all of our lives I bet. I am really lucky that I get to work with and see such amazing little miracles. I see people survive and thrive and change through some pretty tragic circumstances. The human spirit is resilient, and through the Atonement it can actually learn to thrive again and become better! That is a miracle. <br />
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Tonight was the General Women's meeting for our church. It was amazing and had great counsel for all of us. things I know, but it is always good to hear them again. As I sat there listening, I was so grateful for all of my beautiful daughters. Each one has come with their own special mission for themselves and for me and our family. Halea has come to pave the way for the others, and set the example. She has done such a fabulous job at both. Heidi came to be our calming influence. She rarely causes contention. She is our forever peace maker. I thought Hilary came to slow us down as a family and to take care of us with Tatum, and to be Tates big sister. Now I know that she came to save us. The other day Lance said, "Having Hilary has been vital to all of our healing because we still have someone small, and funny and someone to take care of". I agree. I would have gone crazy this past year were it not for her. I am freaking out that she is turning 4! She won't be small much longer, but she too has done her job up to now. Then there is our sweet Tatum. Her mission is much more far reaching than I am sure we know at this point. I know that we will see the ripple effects of her life for the rest of ours. I know that she came to soften all of our hearts and remind us of our bond as a family, and that life does not end here. She taught us strength, and humor and pure pure love. Joy. And how to find Hope when it feels like there is none. All of our daughters are amazing. I feel so lucky to be their mother. What a gift.<br />
Here are some of the Walker happenings this week:<br />
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Hilary working on her computer. The other day I took her for a walk. At one point we passed by a farm that had donkeys fenced in. She asked "why aren't those donkeys Hee Honking?" I laughed all the way home. She keeps us in stitches.<br />
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Halea gave blood for the first (and maybe the last) time! She also competed in another school activity and her team won state so they are going to nationals in Kansas City in the summer!! She will go to Kansas City at the end of June, come back for one day and then go to her other competition in Nashville! She is going to be a busy girl this summer. She may not have time for work:) <br />
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Heidi has been learning to water color in her art class. I think that she might have some of the Walker talent. This is one of the cards that we received when Tates died (on the left). i had it sitting out on the counter and so she just sat down and sketched it and then water colored it. Budding artist.<br />
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This was the view from our service time out at the church farm this morning. Couldn't ask for a better scene.<br />
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When we go to the church farm we help clear rocks out of the fields to get them ready for planting. Quote of the day from Halea "This might be one of the reasons that people think we (LDS folk) are weird". She might be on to something. I think it is fun. I treat it like a weight workout, and family time all rolled in to one.<br />
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There are usually donuts at the end, so Holden was the first in line for those.<br />
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Halea got asked to prom today with this amazing bouquet!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPL6DjL673LzMVWYGgJrApXBMA5PqkZseKP9TW0Vvlm9IJDlSR_4NDzqhjifocIg-HfEqwzhMd7tbWB2Q27JdC2gusD33zkPar4Y4ER-gmoQO6yNNT3DgvliDYYlpj4MmOoKqC2KumO1Hr/s1600/March+2014+iphone+pics+016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPL6DjL673LzMVWYGgJrApXBMA5PqkZseKP9TW0Vvlm9IJDlSR_4NDzqhjifocIg-HfEqwzhMd7tbWB2Q27JdC2gusD33zkPar4Y4ER-gmoQO6yNNT3DgvliDYYlpj4MmOoKqC2KumO1Hr/s1600/March+2014+iphone+pics+016.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>Hayden was gone all weekend in St. George with his tennis team. It was super quiet here without him, not in a good way. I really missed him. We had been told to send him with about 100 dollars. This needed to cover his food for three and a half days. They also needed to pay for golf, and the tennis fee for the tournament all of which was about 45 dollars. He begged me to send him with a little extra because his friends were all bringing more money. I scrounged through all of our cash and ended up giving him 125 dollars in the end and I told him to please be wise with it and bring me any change. I was sure he would not have a dime when he got back. (he might have a little of his mother when it comes to spending!) Well he came back with about 27 dollars. I was shocked and so proud. </div>
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It is nice to have us all home tonight. We all watched the movie Gravity with our niece and her husband after women's conference. It was pretty intense. Two actors! Who would have thought you could make a movie with two actors. </div>
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