To Honor and Remember...

The past few days I have been thinking a lot about how I want us to remember and honor Trevin and Tatum.   It has to be centered around doing something to serve other families.  After Tatum died I had been feeling like I wanted to do a foundation of some sort to help people in our situation.  I think that with what I do at the hospital I am in the perfect position to be available to assist families that might need help paying for funeral costs.  Because of where we live and the population that we serve I know that there are a lot of families that have struggled to pay for funerals for their babies.  I also know that some have chosen not to do a burial because of financial reasons.  It is heartbreaking to think that a family has to worry about such a thing during the hardest time of their lives.  My vision is to do a benefit "Hike to the Y" to raise money to put in a fund that would be available for us to distribute to such families.  Every Memorial Day since Trevin died we have hiked to the Y as a family to commemorate his birthday which is May 27th.  Tatum's birthday conveniently falls on May 23rd, so now we can just add her to our reason to hike.  This is the reason that my neighbor suggested that we do a fundraiser involving hiking to the Y.  That trail holds a very special spot in our heart.  Tatum hiked it with us just last year when she was just a few days old.

Through the years I have made connections and have compiled resources that the average person might not have access to.  I am really excited to get started organizing and advertising.   I am a little nervous and overwhelmed at the thought of it all, but I think that comes with starting any new adventure.  I want to keep it all very simple, and fun.   It wouldn't be right to do something to honor these sweet kids of ours and not have it be fun.  Really if 10 peple show up it will be a success in my mind.  We just want to do something in their honor.

Here are a few things that I am working on.  I have looked on line to see if there are rules against using the Y trail for a fundraising event, and I cannot find anything.  If anyone knows who I would contact or if there are rules please let me know.  I am also looking for any gift card type donations.  Gift cards to restaurants or other places to raffle off after the hike.  Like I said I want this to be fun.  I have some other little things that I think would be fun to put in the drawing too.   I have been talking to a few people here and there to get feedback.  So far there have been some great suggestions and good feedback.  I hope to have a pay pal account set up by the middle of next week so that people can start signing up.  The date we are looking at is Monday September 2nd, probably at 8:30 or 9:00am.  More details to follow, as I get them:)

It has been a pretty eventful, yet uneventful couple of days.  We have been doing some school shopping, you can only imagine how fun that can be.  On Wednesday we did a late run to a store and then to Walmart.

I couldn't pick which picture, so I put them all cause they all tell a story..

This is when she discovered that I was taking her picture.  She is quickly trying to look away.

I must say, am I a genius or what?  How do you avoid a tantrum in Walmart?  That's right, ice cream cone of course.  She was simply delightful.

I am trying to get myself to accept that we are starting a new school year already.  What better way to do that than to go to the high school to pay our school fees.  Grand total for two high school students who have almost no extra curricular activities, 400.00!  That is our free public education.  Unbelievable.  I felt really sick after that little excursion.

I figured after that we might as well go do a little more school shopping.  Emphasis on the "little"!  I discovered another really good thing that came from Tatum's short little life.  I really had no time to ever shop for clothes after she was born and really after she got sick.  I tried to do what I could for the kids, but never for me.  I used to love shopping, before I had Tatum.  As we were shopping today I realized  how unimportant new clothes are in the grand scheme of things that it wasn't even that fun to me.  I still love to find a bargain, don't get me wrong.  I just didn't feel the excitement that I used to when I would shop for things for myself.   Sad day for me, happy day for Lance and our budget!

As I was looking at Hilary's clothes I was also not super excited.  Hilary's size is still clumped pretty close to Tatum's size clothes.  I would have to pass Tatum clothes to see Hilary's size.   I couldn't even enjoy looking at Hilary's things because I wanted to look at Tatum's.  Hilary kept pointing to things and saying "That's for Tatum".  I love those moments when it is confirmed to me that Tatum is not forgotten, especially by her big sister Hilary.  It makes me so sad to think that she won't remember.  

Today Hilary found this picture sitting on our desk and she said "That is my  sister Tatum and that is her Brobie".  She remembers.

I am missing Tatum so terribly lately.  I am trying to keep myself distracted, because what can I do to remedy missing her.  NOTHING.  She is not coming back to me and my heart does not want to accept that.  I feel like I have a constant lump in my throat and I am on the verge of tears at all times.  I am trying to soldier on and make myself useful, despite the emotional roller coaster.  It just isn't very easy.  It is really hard to stay motivated to make good of this new stupid life when all I want is my old life back.  There is my sad rant for today.  How can I not miss her, look at that angelic face and those kissable lips and cheeks.  Just remembering and missing.