Bigger Baby Steps....

Today I had a lot of things on my "to do" list, but I have tried to be lenient with myself when I accomplish nothing.  It still feels like we have cement blocks on our feet.  My energy level is just low.  I know that is normal, but it is so not me that I have a hard time accepting it.
In the morning I decided to get out and weed the flower beds in the front yard.  On the day that we brought Tatum to the hospital the last time I was able to quickly plant flowers before everything hit the fan.  When I see how they are growing it is bitter sweet.  I struggle a little bit that I spent the hour and a half out there planting them while she was getting sick.  I checked on her several times, and she was just sleeping, but it is just a mommy guilt.  A few hours after I came in from the yard that day, I just had a feeling that we should bring her up to Primary Childrens, I called our GI doctor and we went up.  There were a few symptoms that were concerning, but all the way up I still felt like they would just send us home.  Little did I know that she was in serious trouble.  I know that I can't beat myself up about it, but it is just hard.  It felt good to get out and work in the dirt a little today.   Sometimes it is nice to just be outside where it is peaceful.

I had planned to go and do a few little work things today with my friend that works with me.  As I was getting ready I remembered that I should bring back the pump.  The other day Hilary had tried to drag it back into our bathroom where I used to have it.  She said, "Tatum's milk".  Ouch.  I knew it would be hard to return, it was the last of Tate's equipment.  I was really glad to have my friend along to help me.  When we went in I was nervous because the lady that works the front desk used to work at the hospital and so she knows me enough to ask questions.  All was going well til the very end.  She asked "Oh did you have a boy or a girl?"  I answered "Oh a little girl".  And that was it.  Relief.  What a tender mercy.  I really didn't want to have to tell her that I had been pumping milk for the past 6 months because my baby had lost her ability to swallow and that she had just died.  That seems like a terrible conversation all around!  So grateful that I was able to do that for my sweet Tater bug and that our pediatrician was so encouraging that it was the best food she could be given.  What a little blessing that my body had cooperated for all of those months of pure stress.  A gift from heaven for sure.

We went on to do a few other errands and then we went to the hospital.  We only saw a few people that I work with regularly.  It was nice to see them.  I feel like I need to get my face out there so that people can see that I am trying to function a little bit.  It felt nice and weird to be back there.  I wished desperately that I was downstairs on Pediatrics hanging out with Tates taking pictures of her hanging out in her "Don't Bug Me" jammies.  Does anyone miss those pictures as much as I do?  What I wouldn't give for a little squeeze of that girl.

Tonight our young women's activity was down at the fire station to help the girls do their CPR certification.  One of the firemen that was doing the CPR presentation was the one that drove down to the hospital with me when Hilary had her Febrile Seizure.  I remember how terrifying that was.  Funny how your perception changes in just a short year.

Would it really take that much extra to make these babies a little cuter?  The girls are going to have nightmares:)

Overall it was a fine day.  I only cried a few times.  I don't expect these things to stop completely any time soon.  I am trying to go easy on myself.  I can already feel some improvements, I mean I left the house!  Sometimes when I don't feel like talking to someone or smiling or getting dressed I just do anyway.  I know that doing things that I don't necessarily want to  will help.  I am a big believer that what you do is what you become.  If I smile, I believe that one day the joy behind the smile will return.  If I go out and do things for others and forget about myself a little that the pain will decrease and my problem will feel light.

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that Tatum and Trevin are in a state of paradise and no longer suffer with disease and we will see them again.  It is a relief to know that as a mother.  I am grateful for a Savior who set the supreme example of enduring to the end and pure love for our Heavenly Father and for us.  I long for the day when I can bow before him and thank him for His incredible mercy toward me and my family.

The Answer is Usually No...

With the work that I do at the hospital I try to coach people on how to cope with the silly things that people say.  Mind you, it has been a lot of years since we have been fresh to the experience of grief. I know that people said funny/weird things to us, but I luckily have a terrible memory so I don't remember.  I have collected quite a repertoire if you will from other peoples experiences that they have shared with me.  I am going to share a few that have come our way.  I hope no one is offended because we have all done it, even me and it's what I do for a living!  This will just give us all reason to pause before we speak.  What I have found that works are these two sentences, "I can't imagine what you must be feeling" because we don't even if our situations are similar.  Even between our feelings of Trevin and Tatum are different, so our current self could barely relate with our past self.  (are you all following this?)  The other is simply "I am so sorry."  There is nothing that could be offensive about either of these statements.  "Aren't you glad he/she is in the arms of Jesus?", Nope!  (In belief and theory yes, in reality, no! I want them here with me)  " You are lucky to have an angel baby"  Again, nope.  You never feel "lucky" when your baby doesn't get to grow up here with you as you had planned.  I could go on, but I am not going to.  Just pause and think.  Luckily Lance and I have a pretty healthy understanding and sense of humor about things so it doesn't cut us as deep as some I meet.  So feel free to practice on us and we will let you know if it  is a go phrase or not:)

Sunday was OK.  I felt a little bit like the elephant in the room, everywhere I went.   Our Sunday school lesson was on the plan of salvation.  Hilarious.   Our poor teacher.  He is a good friend and he did a great job.   He got a little emotional referring to the past several months with Tatum.  It was sweet and made me feel good that she is not forgotten.  It still feels very weird to go anywhere without her, like an arm is missing or something.  I keep having phantom feelings of the stroller sitting next to me in sacrament meeting.  Ooh how I miss her.  If she was sleeping during church I would usually just sit and feel her feet or her hands or stroke her head. Not sure how to replace that with anything.  After dinner we walked down to the cemetery so we could retrieve some of the flowers at the grave.  It was really hot, but it was so awesome to be able to just walk down there.  Such a nice feeling, weird as that sounds.

Hilary is in this weird stage.  She will not look at me to take a picture, so this was the closest I could get.

There is a bench just a few rows down from where Tates and Trev are.  Under a shade tree!

These were the pretty flowers.  They did not look as pretty once they spent a night in our garage.  Hmm.

Two little markers with the pretty little daisy wreath.  If you sent this cute daisy wreath will you let me know, there was no card that I could see.

 Sunday night at prayer Hilary insisted (as she usually does) that we pray for Tatum to gain weight. If we forget she yells at us, so it is just easier to do it.  Maybe there is a need to gain weight in Heaven, we don't know?  This night she interjected a lot during the prayer.  She said "Tatum is sleeping", "Cause she's dead" and "Tatum died" I think she added "We miss Tatum"  It was all pretty sad but sweet that she is still remembering and that she is able to express a little bit of what is going on in her head and heart.

Ahh Monday.  First of all it was Monday, I forgot to do laundry on Saturday (one of my regular days).  I guess I didn't forget, we were doing the funeral.  So I had a lot of laundry to do, and I didn't finish it, boo. The house is a total pit.   And I have no motivation to do anything, much less clean the house.  Luckily it was one of our friends birthday so I had a lunch date to look forward to.  I did pull it together to go for a little run and then I pulled my bike down to go on a bike ride but the seat was acting weird and my handlebars were tilted forward.  I fiddled with everything for a few minutes and then just decided to go.  I went on the new bike trail that is just a few minutes from our house.  It was great fun and I didn't crash:}  Always a goal of mine.  The entire time, though, I just kept thinking that I wished that I couldn't be out there.  Just 10 days ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.  I am grateful that we tried to do certain things still even though we knew that Tatum wasn't going to be with us for long.  We tried to make our lives as normal as possible, but I would have never in a million years gone on a bike ride for 2 hours or so.  I know that she wants us to do things now because we can.  It is the only reason that I do right now.  It hurts a lot.

I went to pick up my friends in our car because I wanted to take my bike to the bike store to have them fix the seat and the handlebars.  They took one look at my bike which is not one of the bikes that they sell and they were suddenly not sure if they could get a certain part.  I wanted to scream at them "I don't have the energy to do that because my baby just died!!!!!)  Instead, I said thank you and headed back to the car with my still broken bike.  Grrr.

We went to lunch and it was so fun and yummy.  Sooo grateful for good friends who listen and let me laugh or cry, whichever flavor it is for the hour.

Heidi and Hilary and I went to Costco when I got home because we were completely out of milk.  We have a good friend that works at Costco that his wife and baby died 4 or 5 years ago,  from a sudden complication while she was pregnant.  As we were talking he was saying how sad and sorry he was and I said "At least our mom didn't die too, right?"   He is a friend that I can say that to.  His situation was so devastating.   Those are good reminders to keep things in perspective.  Not to lessen what we are feeling, but really this could be much worse.   Tender mercy to see him today, cause I wasn't loving Monday.

We got home and another good friend brought us a yummy treat for Family Home Evening.  We certainly would not have had one, which would have meant it was not a complete FHE according to the brethren of the church:)  Then my good friend from Provo brought us the most delicious dinner.  In all these past few months, I don't think we had one duplicate dinner.  Everyone is so creative.

We had some family come over and they were helping the kids put a puzzle together when Lance started playing the CD with the pictures that my friend had taken at the funeral services.  That brought a mixture of emotions.  I am so glad we have them.  I still can't believe that it's real.  That made it real.  This has happened and this is your new reality. We finished the night playing games.  It was fun to laugh and visit and tease.   The laundry isn't folded, I didn't complete one cleaning task on my list, not one thing really accomplished, but we spent time as a family.  That is important.  Before we know it, our family will change again with Halea moving out and then shortly after that, Hayden.  It is a slippery slope for the next few years.

The Walker's love puzzles.  Look closely, it's an Elvis puzzle.  That's right!

 I need to somehow hide these pants.  They are about 4 inches too short for Hilary, but she insists on wearing them.

 Hilary eating cookies as we played the game.

A Fitting Tribute...

I think today (Saturday) was a beautiful tribute to our sweet Tatum.  When I woke up this morning I knew it would be a long day, but I didn't want it to end.  When this day is over, that's it.  Back to life.  Everyone else is going to carry on and I, we, will be trying to pick up our pieces and catch up to everyone.  Only I am just fine to curl up on the couch in her spot and be sad for a while longer.
We had to wake Hilary up this morning because we had to try and be out the door at around 9am and of course she is our little teenage toddler so she doesn't usually roll out of bed until 10.   I knew that she was going to be tough today, and I was correct.  It was definitely a three year old day.  I took the two older girls to the church and Lance stayed back to finish getting the boys together and Hilary together.  I certainly got the easy job:)  We went in to where Tates was and I just kept touching her because I couldn't believe this was the last time I was going to see her or touch her.  In all of the touching and fussing I sort of messed up how cute they had placed her hands.  Oops.  Of course when Lance got there it was the first thing he noticed!
We had another short viewing and it was nice.  People came to pay tribute to our sweet daughter and it was so nice and made our hearts sing to think that all of those people had somehow been affected by her short life.
After the family prayer the mortuary said that anyone who wanted could come up and say their final goodbyes and then Lance and I were going to tuck her in her casket.  Several friends and family went and said another quick goodbye to Tatum, the last of which were all of our kids.  They all went up together and said their goodbye together.  Heart breaking.  Lance and I brought one of Tatum's pillows that she used to lay on and two blankies that we used  to put under her legs so that she was more comfortable.   One of my favorite times with Tates was getting her ready each day.  I loved getting her a bath, putting on her lotion, cleaning her face and around her tube site and combing her hair, changing her diaper, stretching her arms and legs for her, changing her outfit, etc.  Then every morning I would fluff her pillow and put a fresh blanket over the top and then we would roll a fresh blanket and put it under her legs and feet and then put a gel pillow under her head and neck.  So, Lance lifted her up and I put the pillow under her and put her gel pillow under her neck and then covered her with a sweet soft pink and white blanket.  We kissed her on the forehead and then the morticians put the lid to her casket on.  That was it, I will never get to see her again.  Just like that. The boys and Lance then rolled the little stand that her casket was on out to the chapel.
The next hour went so fast.  The music was amazing and fantastic and fitting.   I feel like Lance and I were able to say the things of our heart that hopefully paid great tribute to our sweet angel.
We then proceeded to the cemetery where they had already placed Trevin in the grave.  Heidi sat at the graveside and played her ukulele.  They brought Tatum's casket over and Lance dedicated the grave for both of our sweet babies, now side by side.

Our neighbors had brought balloons to release and so they then passed those out and we released pink and white balloons.  Up to the heavens.

Everyone then went back to the church for the luncheon.  I had asked the mortician if I could stay while they placed Tatum  in with Trevin.  I just wanted to see them, together.  I think it is a mother thing.  He said that i could stay.  My friend Maryann stayed with me.  When they got Tatum down they had to shimmy them both a little bit, it was a pretty tight fit.  I told the cemetery guys that they were just trying to be difficult.  Apparently cemetery guys don't have a sense of humor.  I think they weren't sure what to make of me watching what they were doing.  I am not sure that I like the idea of having the vision of their little caskets in this big hole, now that it is in my brain.  But for some reason I really felt like I needed to see them together.

After the luncheon we packed all of her things up and went back to the house.  That was it, over.  I will tell you, it is very sad to have everything over.  When she died it was more than devastating.  There isn't a word to describe the feeling that is adequate.  But at least you then have to jump in to planning her celebration.  You still get to think about her and talk about her and feel her near.   Now that is all ending.  It is very hard.

I was thinking about the feelings that I carry for Trevin and the only word that describes it is joy.  I really have just pure joy and happiness when I think of him and how it felt to be his mom.  I don't remember very vividly these feelings of utter despair and sadness that i felt after he died, although I know that I felt them.  I know this will get better.  I know that someday when I think of Tatum and her beautiful life with us that I will not feel the deep sadness.   I know I will feel the joy.  I just miss her so much right now that I am having a hard time thinking about or doing anything else.  I guess it is devastating to the spirit to have to give up the presence of an angel, and all of the other angels that were ministering to her daily, in our home.

We go back to life on Monday.  We will see how that goes.  Poor Lance has to go to work.  I am not sure how he will do it.  His work has been so kind to us, so I know that they will allow him to ease back in.  It will just be weird to have him gone.  Hilary may not handle this very well.  She has been a little bit of a mess. Huge tantrums and screaming fits and a lot of times she only wants Lance.  When we got home from the funeral she had an accident so we had to get her right in the sink bath.  Poor girl.  She just isn't sure how to deal with all of these emotions.  None of us really do, right?

Pretty Pink Toes...

Well, I was going to be good and try and go to sleep and not do a post, but I can't sleep (surprise) so I decided I might as well be journaling, right?
Today was a pretty lovely day.  A good friend came over and painted all of us girls toe nails.  Even Hilary was so good and cooperated and sat still.  So cute!

 Getting the pink polish...

Hilary insisted i sit with her, which was fine.  Good to feel  needed from miss independant..

 Hilary even put her toes under the curing lights.  It was quite adorable.

The finished product.  Perfectly pink and sparkly in honor of our Tater bug.

The rest of the day was just finishing up a few things here and there.  We finished folding the programs that turned out so beautiful and fitting for a princess.  My good friend that was putting our slide show together brought that over.  Good thing that we had finished most everything before we sat down and watched.  We were all in a big puddle by the end.  It was so hard to see how perfect and happy she was before she got sick and how awful that disease was to her body.  When you are in the trenches every day you don't see how big the change is sometimes.  I just loved her no matter what, so it was hard to remember what her body used to be able to do.  Poor girl.
In the afternoon a few friends came to the church with me and we set up all of the pictures and some of Tatum's personal things and the video.  When we got to the church the mortuary was there and they had Tatum in her casket.  She looked absolutely beautiful.  I was so happy.  She looks so peaceful and restful.  She doesn't have to fight her body anymore.  There is relief in that.
Around 5;30 Lance came with the kids so that they could have a few minutes to see her before everyone started coming.  The kids were so brave and fearless.  They walked right up and saw her and it just seemed so natural to them because she looked so beautiful and because they understand that this is now just her body and that her spirit has progressed.  When I lifted Hilary up to see her, she laughed and said Tatum is sleeping.  It was really sweet.
The night was nice.  There were lots of family and friends and nurses from the hospital and families that I had worked with at the hospital and co workers from Lances work, neighbors.  It was overwhelming and sweet. Tatum has touched a lot of hearts.  What a blessing to be her mom and her family.
I will forever miss having Tatum here with us.  I don't know how you ever get over missing the feeling of having an angel in your home and the thick spirit that comes with that blessing.  My hope is that we will all take the challenge to never forget the lessons that she has taught us and live a life that will make her proud and worthy to live with her again.
I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day that I will get to see her.  I know we will be OK, I just don't know how.  My heart feels so broken tonight.

Finding Normalcy

Normalcy, is there such a thing?  I guess you just keep adjusting to your new normal as your insides change.  I take it as a blessing that my heart and "insides" do change as we mature and go through things that are hard.  If I didn't change I wouldn't be learning the lessons that I should be, right?  That is how I am approaching these new changes in my heart.  Right now the changes are raw and they hurt a lot, soon they will be beautiful and they will feel right and I will hopefully have a new depth to my spirit.

We had another busy day.  First thing we went to the mortuary to dress our sweet Tater bug.  She looked beautiful.  I cannot believe how well they have taken care of her.  It is very tender as a mother to leave your sweet babies body in the care of someone.  I am so grateful for the feeling that we have when we have gone to see her.  It has been warm and it feels clean and sweet and there is just a nice spirit at the mortuary.  When we went in to see her it felt different than when we went and saw her on Monday.  I still loved seeing her body because that is how I know her spirit, but I knew the minute I saw her that her spirit was not there. That was so comforting.  I know that her spirit is near to us, but it is no longer residing in her broken body.  I knew that on Monday, but for some reason the feeling was different.  I wasn't super emotional this time.  Lance and I were able to dress her and paint her finger nails and toe nails.  There was just a calm.  It felt nice to touch her hands and her feet and to memorize her little body again.

We were able to see her casket.  We were both shocked when we saw it because it seemed so much bigger than I thought it would be.  Trevin's casket was the same size and I told Lance that I did not remember his being that big.  He didn't either.  I hated Trevin's casket.  It always reminded me of a sewing machine case or a turkey baster pan.  I think we only had one choice and I just didn't feel like it was good enough for him.  We were able to choose something a little nicer for Tates and that sounds dumb but it just made me feel better to get to choose something that looked a little more appropriate.  These children are special, everything that we do for them should reflect that, in my mind.

I left the mortuary feeling good about everything, except that I wished this wasn't happening.  Outside of that all was well.  Then we went and finalized the program with my dear friend.  We went and purchased a newspaper because her obituary ran today.  Then we went home.  We had several deliveries and people stop by.  Lots of phone calls etc.  We had family members that were coming in today and kids that were going to and fro to their various activities, scouts, piano and golfing.  Then there is always laundry.  Ahh the normalcy:) I washed the last few things that we had picked up from the mortuary the other day.  The last of her laundry that I will do.  Very sad to put away her "Don't Bug Me" jammies and her sweet blanket.

Now, don't think that we are nuts, but we had signed up a few weeks ago to go to Lance's work party tonight.  I was so sure that Tatum would be totally on the mend from her g-tube switch and that we might finally be able to go somewhere as a family.  I was excited to get to bring Tatum out and to a park and for Lance's co-worker to be able to see her.  It was hard for me to think about going without her, but I felt like it would be fun for the kids to go somewhere as a family.  Away from the hustle and bustle of the house.   So we all loaded up, (except for Hayden who somehow wriggled out of it) and went up to the Murray park.  They had yummy Luau food and blow up slides and snow cones and a little 1/2 hour show.  It was really nice and the kids had fun.  The entire time I was there I just kept thinking as I would look at people, "Do you know that my baby just died?"  Of course no one knew because there were only a few people there that Lance recognized.  It is just such a surreal feeling to be among people whose lives seem to be just moving forward and normal, when you feel like your life has been shattered and your world has literally stopped.  And you are just trying to pick up the pieces to carry with you as you try to move forward.  I know that these are all "normal" feelings and part of the healing process is to face them and to start stepping into daily life again.  It is just really hard, and quite frankly I don't usually want to do it, but I will because we have to continue living with the kids that are here.  Tatum would want that.  I know that she is satisfied with the life that she was able to live.  I feel that in my heart.  I knew all along that this truly was her life and her purpose.  Looking into her eyes she knew it too.  I just, selfishly, wanted more time to hug and squeeze and kiss her and to learn more from her.

Hilary enjoying a snow cone.

Having fun together.

Hilary was in no mood for pictures.  She would not look at the camera.  It was a lot easier taking pictures of Tater bug!
I know that these next few days are going to go quickly and they are going to be very emotional.  The last few days that we will get to see our sweet baby here on earth.  It is hard to wrap my mind around.
Goals for the next two days:  Enjoy seeing Tatum and having her physically with us, recognizing and witnessing of the spirit and tender mercies that will abound, loving time with family, trying to adjust to our new normal.

Fighting Sleep

 I have decided that I really could sleep if I wanted to, but I don't want to.  I don't like the act of waking up and so I feel like I am fighting it every night.  This used to be "my time" after everyone had gone to bed.  Now every minute of the day is "my time" and I hate it.  Right now I at least I feel like there are things that I need to still do for Tatum to make sure that Friday and Saturday are perfect celebrations of her life.  After Saturday, that's it.  I keep thinking that I won't hear her name anymore and that she will be forgotten.  I put away a few more of her things of hers that were in the laundry.  I just want to touch her clothes.   I just can't believe that this is really happening.  I have three more times that I will see my baby girl and then I will only have pictures and video.  Time is just slipping away.

The mortuary called this morning to let us know that things had gone really smooth when they were disinterring Trevins casket.  He is at the mortuary until Saturday when these two little cuties can be buried together, side by side in the same space.  I imagine that they are side by side right now.

Today was super busy.  My friend took me shopping for some clothes for the kids and Lance and myself to wear for the viewing and the funeral.   It feels so strange to be out in public.  I really just want to curl up on the couch, but I can't.  We only had one close call when a sales person asked us if we were shopping for a special occasion, i just said "sort of" and left it at that.  Luckily she did too and didn't continue until I had to inform her that I was looking for some cheery outfits for my daughters funeral.  That wouldn't have been awkward for anyone.  We also went and got her flowers.  I hope they turn out how I have them pictured in my mind.  We did pink roses and Calli lilies and greenery nothing else.  Simple and elegant.

One of my friends found the sweetest little clippie to go in her "hair".  I couldn't make her wear a bow for the eternities, but I thought maybe she could tolerate a clip!

My good friend Melanie has been sewing Tatum's dress and helping (I mean doing) with the program and slide show.   She has also been handling all of the work calls.  She has been a busy lady these past few weeks.  I ended up at her house to pick up the dress and to finish up the details of the program.  We finished really late and I feel so bad.  She has not had a lot of sleep the past few days and then I have been demanding a million things from her.  Here are the pictures of the dress:

 We aren't sure if we are going to put the flower on the shrug or not.  I kind of like it, but we will see if it seems too much once we get it on her.

This is the cute clippie that my friend found and then she added the sweet pink pearl in the middle.

Shrug without the flower?  hmmmm.
I am simply exhausted.  I think I will try and sleep for a bit before we get to go and dress Tatum this morning.  We were not given the opportunity to dress Trevin and so I am happy to get to do this for Tatum.  I can't believe that it will be the last time i will get to dress her.  I loved to get her ready for the day.  It was one of my favorite times to spend with her.  I just always thought that she must have felt better after I cleaned her all up, got her fresh blankets, fluffed her pillow, put her lotion on and clean clothes.  I just loved doing that for her.  I will miss that so much.
For the most part I have felt better today.  I know that we will have peaks and valleys in our grief.  I know that I feel great relief for her and that is helpful.  I think that Heavenly Father knew that my mind would need to know that she was relieved from her sick body.  Otherwise I would have had a hard time accepting that she was better off somewhere else other than with me:)

Hit the Wall

 It is official that I hit the wall today.  I felt like I had cement feet and that I could not get up and going, like the ground was pulling me toward it.  I just didn't feel myself today.   I put on my workout clothes and could never bring myself to do any thing.  I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I do not like feeling like this at all.  
Luckily we have had so many people bustling around us helping us get things done.  It has been so helpful.  We would never be able to finish everything.  I am really grateful that we will have a week to get everything ready.  I feel like I am in such a fog that half of the day I am walking around in circles.
A neighbor told me today that she would take on the project of a registration book, thank goodness.  I know for a fact that hers will look a million times better than anything that I could come up with.  So grateful for that.
We made it to the cemetery today to pick out our "property" (As the mortician calls it!)  We took all of the kids so that they could help us pick where we would bury our sweet babies.  (have I mentioned that we are moving Trevin from Provo to Lehi cemetery?)  One of the workers came down with us to help us find where there are any empty spaces.  We looked at a few spots and then we found "The One"!  It is just off the road so that we don't have to walk too far in and it is close to a few trees that will continue to get bigger and offer shade on hot summer days.

Here we are, the worker is kind of photo bombing in the background over Lance's shoulder?

Hilary was not nearly as enthusiastic as the others.  She doesn't understand the beauty of her parents picking their "spaces" before they die.  Paid for!

Lehi really is a pretty cemetery.

My good friend and I then went down to the print store to ask some questions about a program for the funeral.  We are getting close to figuring that out.   Then we went to Old Navy to see if we could find another Brobi doll, so we can put one in the casket with Tater bug and then we all can have our own to keep.  We were able to find 3 more!  Now we just need 3 more.
Luckily someone made us dinner tonight because it was definitely a fend for yourself night.  On the flip side, unfortunately she brought dessert and so did my other friend.  What is a girl to do?  I may need to put a lock on them.  Both delicious!  This might explain why I gained 25 lbs when Trevin was sick!  Luckily my body was already 25 lbs overweight when Tatum got sick, so my body didn't  feel the need to pack it on!

After the girls and I went to Young Womens, I came home and started to look through the pictures of Tatum for the slide show.  It is so hard to look at them because it just makes me want to smell her and kiss her and tell her that everything is OK.  Then Lance was playing the music that we were listening to when we were holding her on that last day.  I was pretty sad and teary and then I came across these:

How could this not make me smile and laugh.  Sweet little Tatum.
When I was walking home from Young Women's tonight I ran into the lady who lives across the way from us that has cancerous brain tumors.  After talking to her briefly, I feel like life is OK.  Life is way too short to be down in the dumps for too long.  This little girl sacrificed a lot to be here and stay with us and then have to leave.  She endured a very hard life in just a year.  Look at the light that is in her eyes.  That is Tatum personified.  The other day I was listening to music with Tatum and there was a song from Hilary Weeks that came on that  I hadn't heard before.  Your assignment is to go and listen to it.   It is beautiful.  The chorus says" I will sing, I will Stand, I will live my life for Him.  I pray that I will have the strength and the fortitude to live my life for Him so that I can prove worthy to live with our sweet Tatum again.