10 Months...

Today as I was running home with Hilary in the stroller the song "One More Day" by Diamond Rio came on.  I used to hear that song every day on the radio while Tates was sick.  It must have been scheduled on the play list right around the time I was getting ready every morning.  At first it made me sad because it was a constant reminder that Tatum's time was ticking away and one day I would be singing this song, thinking of her because, like Trevin, she would be gone.  Soon I learned to use it as a reminder to slow down and enjoy her time here with us.  I really fell in love with the lyrics for that reason.  The lyrics talk about all of the things that you would never do if you knew that it was your last day with someone.  No TV, no telephone, just hugs and kisses and telling them you love them.   They nailed it.
 I first heard the song years ago when another mom used it in the video that they did of their sweet baby girl that had died just a few days after birth.  I have always loved it.  I haven't heard it on the radio for awhile, and so it was appropriate that I would hear it today while I was contemplating the passage of time, and what I wouldn't give for just one more day.
Hilary heard them go into the chorus, "One more day, one more time, etc."  and she said "One more day, what?"  I said, "yeah, they wish they could have one more day together, don't you wish you could have one more day to spend with Tatum?"  She was quiet for a minute and then she said, "Yeah but she is gone".  I said "I know, but what would you do if you could see her again?  I would like to sit out in the sunshine and blow bubbles with her because I think that she liked both of those things, sunshine and bubbles."  Hilary was quiet for a second and then she said, "I want to blow bubbles with her!", kind of in an agitated voice.  This kind of snapped me out of my conversation.  I sometimes forget that she is 3!  Why did I talk to her about these things?  She doesn't have a concept of time, so she just knows that Tatum was here, and now she is gone.  Why is mom talking about her coming back!  Yikes.  Bad mom move.  I stopped for a second and told her that we couldn't blow bubbles with Tatum because she was right that she is gone.  But I could blow bubbles with her (Hilary) and I am so happy that I can do that.  She laughed and agreed.  What a great reminder for me.  I still have Hilary, and that makes me so very lucky.
Nothing much to say today.  I just miss our sweet Tatum.  I can't even comprehend that it has been 10 months since I last saw her beautiful, blue, knowing eyes.  Ten months since I got to hold her and kiss her and change her diaper and give her a bath and stroke her sweet head, and carry her out of our house for the last time.  Load her into the back of the morticians van onto the stretcher and cover her with a blanket.  How can it be? I hope she sees that we are trying so hard to be brave and honor her by trying to be better people.  I love her so much.  My heart is so heavy.