Sunday, July 27, 2014

Missing My Innocence...

This has been a hard few weeks.  Sometimes time helps you to heal, but it also brings great anxiety and sadness of the reality.  To think that I have not seen Tatum for over a year now makes my heart just so heavy, it is hard to bare.  The other day Hilary was walking up the stairs with two of our neighbors and she just casually said, "Tatum died and it was a long time ago."  From the mouths of babes.  It seems like an eternity.
I am grateful for Hilary and her willingness to say it like it is.  When we were in our doctors office she told the cute young nurses that Tatum and Trevin liked Yo Gabba Gabba, but they died.  They were a little stunned.  I told them that she had two siblings that died and so that is her reality.  I tried not to do it apologetically, because that is her reality and I don't want her to ever feel embarrassed to talk about them.  I was really just trying to make them not feel so uncomfortable.  It was kind of funny.
Then the other day Halea and I were talking and she said that she thinks about dieing in a car accident all of the time and it scares her.  She said that it would be so strange to one day be here and in a split second not be here.  What teenager ever thinks about their own mortality?  Most of them think that they are invincible.  Again, this is her reality.  She knows that anything is possible and that people die.  Even young people.  Well that just broke my heart.  I think about all of my kids dieing.  I try really hard to not, but it is always there.  I didn't have a lot of days where I didn't know that this was a reality.  My sister died when I was 7 so I have always known that even young people die.  As the years went by and we started our own family my sisters death was such a long time ago that I don't remember having anxious feelings about Trevin.  Luckily he fixed that all up for me and brought all of that reality back to the surface for me!  Stinker.  I only had a little time when I didn't know that this could be a reality.  Sometimes I miss not knowing.

I have so been missing having a baby.  I know that Tatum would have been two, and not a baby.  But when she died she was still essentially totally dependant on us for everything.  I just miss her, and taking care of her.  It seems as though everywhere I go I see babies.  It's like I live in Utah County, baby capital of the world, or something.  I can't seem to escape it and if I don't see the baby, Hilary is quick to point them out for me.  Every one!!  Which, again , is pretty heart wrenching.  Today we went to a different church and she was pointing out all of these adorable babies, all of which I had already noticed.  One of the families had three older boys and then this sweet little newborn girl.  They were taking turns holding her.  I saw Hayden look in their direction a few times.  I wondered if he was thinking what I was thinking.  Oh the aching.
On Friday night Lance and I went to dinner.  While we were standing in line there was a cute little baby girl in front of us.  He said something about how cute she was and I wondered about what he thinks.  Is he having these hard thoughts and feelings like I do.  I have had a hard time talking to him about it sometimes.  He is such a positive person.  Never can he see the negative.  I don't want him to think that I am crazy, and I don't want him to put a positive spin on some of the feelings I have.  I don't want them to be "fixed" right now and that is sometimes a mans tendency.   My thoughts are just too tender right now.
The other night I was out visiting with a family from the hospital.  They are pregnant with a baby that has a chromosomal disorder that is usually a fatal condition.  We had an amazing conversation with them.  I was so impressed with where they already are in their acceptance of this challenge in their life.  They have done a lot of hard work to start dealing with a lot of their emotions and grief.  As we were ending our visit the mom said something that struck me.  She said, " I don't just want to survive this.  I want to learn and grow from this experience.  I want to be changed.  I want to be better.  I want something good to come from it all.  I want my kids to know this baby and the impact he has had on our lives".  (paraphrased).  Those are my sentiments exactly.  I have been thinking a lot about her thoughts.
Then today in Sunday school we were reading in 1 Kings about Elijah and the widow.  He goes to the widow and in a nutshell gives her last bit of food to him, and he promises her that if she feeds him first that her flour will never run out again.  She has the faith to accept his words and this promise.  Then when her son dies, she has the faith and belief that he can bring her son back, and he does.  We still speak and study this woman's faith.  She shone in the face of adversity.  She demonstrated immeasurable faith.  In our Relief Society class that followed, we talked about our own legacy that we are leaving for our families.  What is the legacy that I want to leave?  I hope that it is just this.  I want my family to know that we can do hard things, and still be happy and live and love life.  Because we don't get the exact answer or miracle in life that we were hoping for does not shake our faith in the knowledge and truth that is knit in our hearts.  I hope that decades from now, we are still feeling the ripple effect that these experiences with Tatum and Trevin have had in our lives.  I want us to all be better for what we have learned.

We found out on Friday that my grandma died.  My grandma was not your typical grandma.  She wasn't always the nicest person when she was younger.  I didn't have great memories of her growing up.  As I got into adulthood, I was able to form my own relationship with her.  Although she and I didn't see eye to eye on all issues, we did on a lot.   She was a devout Republican and stayed up on politics until she died.  She was a proud American and she always voted early.  As she got older, she got a little softer and a lot nicer.  This was a fun transformation to see.  She was definitely one that got better with age, like cheese!  It is weird when someone reaches the age of 94 and they have been around your entire life, to all of a sudden have them gone.  I will miss our funny little conversations.  I know that she was met by lots of relatives that have been waiting for her arrival on the other side.  I am sure there is a great celebration going on.  She never got to meet Tatum, so I am happy that they are getting reacquainted.

It was Lances  birthday this month..

Pioneer day our entire family went to Provo and ran a 5k, from the Provo temple to the new Provo Center street temple that is under construction.  Such a fun course...
Then we went to "Lehi city Foam day".  They bring in these big machines that spray foam out on the grass for two hours.  You can go out and slide around int the foam and then go spray off in the fire hoses that they have set up.  It was a great activity for a really hot day...
This is what the teenagers did at foam day..

And this was Hilary's favorite part of foam day.. cotton candy.  Eating it like an apple!  That's my girl..
And then to Halea's favorite pass time.... snow cones.
Saturday morning we went to the Salt Lake farmers market with my niece and her husband.    it was really fun.   We found some unique things and people there.  
Then we went to get some school shoes.  Found these cutest shoes for Hilary.  She thinks they are tap shoes, so she will wear them.  Whatever it takes.  (Her addition to top off the entire look...Hello Kitty socks of course!)  Again, whatever it takes to get her to wear them.
And finally, we have been celebrating ice cream MONTH with these little numbers.  Thanks Costco...Simply amazing.

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