Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sleep, Why Dost Thou Betray Me?..

Truly I haven't really slept consistently well since I was pregnant with Hilary over 4 years ago.  The lack of sleep intensified when Tates was born because neither she or Hilary slept at that point.  Some nights I would just get Tatum to sleep and Hilary would walk down the stairs or vice versa.  Then it really hit the fan when Tatum got sick.  When I would sleep, it was never sound due to worry that I would not hear one of her alarms or she would need me and I wouldn't hear her, even though I slept right next to her her entire life.  Luckily I have never required a lot of sleep, but the past few years have brought it to an extreme level that no person should have to function under.
The past several months, since Tatum died, when I could finally allow myself to sleep, enter insomnia and nightmares (oh and a snoring husband! I wish he would just lose some weight and stop all that snoring, hee hee).  I have always been a vivid dreamer and I still remember some of my most memorable, even from when I was a little kid.  The dreams I have been experiencing lately are different.  I don't usually remember the details, I just know that Trevin or Tatum, or both were the central theme.  I often talk or yell in my sleep.   A few weeks ago I woke myself up yelling Trevins name.  Needless to say, my sleep has been less than restful.
So, I have been maybe a little more emotional than normal.  I think that can be attributed to a few things, lack of sleep being a huge contributor.  We have had a few members of our extended family struggling with some spiritual issues and so that has added some extra emotions.  I feel like I have been forgetting things about Tatum and that is so very hard.  Then came Friday.  It seemed like all of the things had combined to create the perfect storm.  I don't know what it was, but I was just really sad all day.  I have just been missing Tates terribly.  When I see other babies it is so hard.  I miss that warm feeling of being around her and snuggling her and kissing her.  Hilary is also getting so big and I just feel that phase of my life closing.  I know that most people are happy to move on, but when it is premature to when you thought it would be, it is a struggle.  I miss changing diapers and needing to be home to feed her and sit with her and talk to her.  I miss taking pictures of her.  I miss it all.  I know I keep saying these same things.  I guess I feel like I can't say it enough to record these tender feelings properly.  The anguish of it all is indescribable.
Luckily that morning a friend stopped by to visit for a minute, and so it allowed me to think of some other things.  I am so grateful for good friends who not only add support and love that I so desperately need, but also fun distractions.   True angels on earth.
In the middle of the day I had a phone call from a lady that I work with that is my superior for one part of my job at the hospital.  It was not a good call.  She and I are not seeing eye to eye on an issue and so it is really frustrating to me.  Why that day?  A real cherry on top.
By the evening I was really ready to end the day.  Luckily another friend came to my rescue and went with me to the High School basketball game that I wanted to go to.  Lance has never cared to go, and he had a meeting that night, so I didn't feel too bad leaving.  It was a really good night to end a crummy day.

I had a hard time getting to sleep that night and so I woke up a little later on Saturday than I wanted to.  We did a few things around the house and then Lance and I went snow shoeing for a few hours before the kids were all up and about.  When we first go there the skies were a little grey and I was worried that it might be really cold.  A man that Lance works with told him about some trails to take.  They were in the same place that we had gone before, just different trails.  I was a little hesitant, but I went along with the idea.  I am so glad.  It was a beautiful trail.  There was a lot of fresh snow and it went by a little creek then up into some beautiful trees.  It was such good therapy for my sad heart.  The sun came out half way through our trek.  A great Saturday.  It is always amazing to go into the mountains and remember that God is all knowing and all powerful and that all is going to be well.
There was probably a foot and a half of fresh snow on the picnic tables.  Not a good day for a picnic!

Such a beautiful day and a beautiful place.  I am loving my new addiction.
Some other events of the past few day:

We went to pack meeting
Heidi helped me sew some backing on our new curtains for about 4 hours.  What a girl!
Lance saved a man's life on Thursday, literally.
Heidi finished reading the Book of Mormon, on her own, for the first time.  Huge accomplishment.
Hilary went to Sun Beams for the first time today.


  1. You are doing it girl! You are making the most of every single day!! Your sweet husband spoke about Tatum in our primary today…let the tears flow!! You are such a wonderful couple and such a wonderful family!! I hope sleep comes soon…love you!

  2. Being out in nature, especially in the mountains is such good therapy. It has helped me a lot also. I am so grateful to live in such a beautiful place where we're able to do that kind of thing. I'm so glad you've taken up snowshoeing that that you've been able to experience that as well. I hope you get some sleep tonight. :)