It has been a rough couple of days. I wish that I could predict when these days were coming, so I could maybe somehow prepare. There just doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason. All of a sudden I am just in a blue mood, just sad. There are so many happy, fulfilling things in my life, but sometimes it just isn't enough to keep the sadness at bay. I am sure it is those good things that help me to bounce back, but the sadness shoves its way through some times with a vengeance.
Saturday was a weird day. I was really tired when I woke up. Maybe because I didn't go to bed until after 1:00 again. I woke up around 7:30 or 8:00am. I just kept looking at the clock and telling myself that I would get up in 15 minutes. This went on for many blocks of 15 minutes. Finally, Hilary came down around 9:30 or so. She snuggled in with me for awhile. Then around 10:30 Halea came down to see if I was going running. I grumbled a yes. It was nearly 11:00 when I finally talked myself into getting out of bed and going for a run. Halea, Zoe and I went for a run outside. It was a beautiful day and I felt really good running. I haven't run solid miles like that in months. I felt a little bit of my old self.
When I got home my burst of energy continued. I started on several home projects that I had been wanting to do, but just didn't have the energy. The kids helped me with some of the jobs. It was just a great day of accomplishment. It felt so good to get some things done.
Later in the day I went shopping, with a friend, for a few things that I needed for the house.
Enter Sunday. It was an OK morning. One of my friends sent me a picture of Hayden and Heidi at her sons funeral. It just made me think of how big my kids are getting. Heidi looked like she would be about Tatum's age that she was when she died. I was so happy to have the picture. I showed it to Hilary and told her who the people were. She thought it was so funny that Hayden and Heidi were little. I am sure it got my mind churning about Tater bug.
Off to church. My classes were good. I just got in a funk watching other people with little kids that are Tates age. I am really, really missing her right now. Sunday was horrible. I just miss everything that she was and what I should be doing with her right now.
When we got home from church I wasn't probably in the best mood. I was trying to be cheerful and not show it by cooking and playing good music. One of the things that I am struggling with is seeing Hilary get older. She has been grumpier than usual. Mostly because she is getting older and more opinionated. It is killing me. Pretty soon she won't think that I am great, like she does now. Soon she will be like the teenagers who think I don't know anything, or complain about things that I do. I see Hilary's innocence slipping away. I should have another little girl that thinks I hung the moon, but I don't anymore and it is killing me. It's one of the most appealing qualities about babies. They just love you so unconditionally. I am really missing that. Really missing Tatum. Missing snuggling with her and her sweet fluffy hair. My heart is just aching.
Enter Monday. This morning was good. The weather was great again. I got to do some fun exercise. Hilary and I came home and got ready for the day. I have great friends that have kept me busy this month. I went to lunch with a few of them today. We had a fun visit. On my way home I called another friend to see if she wanted to go on a bike ride. I asked Halea if she could pick the kids up from piano so I could go for a little longer. She agreed.
I changed into my biking clothes and went out to check my tires since I haven't ridden my road bike for several months. I immediately spotted a sticker! I have gu in my tires so I thought I could just pull out the sticker, spin the tire and it should seal, right? Wrong, not on a Monday, silly! I pulled out the sticker, spun the tire and listened to it deflate. I took off my wheel, took off the tube, and started changing the tire. My friend got there and between the two of us, it took us FOREVER! Guys do this in like 30 seconds. I think it took us like 30 minutes. Ugh. We finally got out on the road. It felt soooo great. The weather was absolutely perfect. We got about 4 miles from home and my phone started ringing. I didn't get to it in time, so we pulled over so I could see who had called. Oh my gosh, it was the lady that I do scouts with and scouts was today at 4pm, it was now 4:20!!! I had totally spaced off scouts. And I had the bug catchers that the boys were going to assemble. In my closet!! I called her back and told her I was just a little ways from home and I would come right back. She said not to come back because her husband was there and she had already started working on something else with the boys. I was so embarrassed. Wow, I guess we all make mistakes, but this was a doosey. I had completely forgotten.
We continued our ride. It was beautiful and it felt so good to be out. We headed home. We got about three miles from home and i noticed that my front tire felt low again! I thought I could make it home, until I went to turn and my tire sort of slipped. I pulled over and pulled out my pump. I am not as familiar as I should be with my pump. I tried to get it to work, but failed. Just then a man rode up on his bike. He asked if we needed help. We both laughed and said yes, if he had a pump that actually worked. He helped me pump up my tire and even discovered that the stem on my tube was bent, so that was probably why the air had leaked out. At least it wasn't another flat tire, right? I really wasn't probably supposed to go on this bike ride. Then entire ride felt cursed. We are lucky that neither of us were run over by a car or something.
It was an interesting Family Home Evening night, to top off the day. One of us didn't want to participate (I'm not going to name names). So half of the night was spent trying to convince this person why they should do what the rest of us were doing. We were writing letters to the missionaries, not doing drugs or jumping off a cliff, or even cleaning toilets. Nope, an entire debate on why this was a nice service to some folks that might be missing home! A great topper for a really weird day.
I know that this sadness that I am feeling, that comes in unexpected waves is normal. I am just weary of it. Sometimes I don't want to fight to get myself going, or to have energy to do normal every day tasks. I want to care more about what is going on around me. I don't want to feel so heavy. I want to have Tates here with me. I just haven't fully adjusted to the reality of what my life is going to be now.
Tomorrow I am going to focus on all of the good things that I have been blessed with, because they are countless. I will try to serve more cheerfully. I know that there are people out there experiencing way worse things. I really do. Forgive me for my self pity.
To end on a better note. On our calendar that we have hanging in our kitchen I chose a scripture for every month, that reminded me of Tater bug and her life. Let's end with that! It is in the Book of Mormon in Alma 7:23-24. it says
"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive. And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity and then ye will always abound in good works."
Tatum was the embodiment of these scriptures. She had all of these qualities. I am lucky to have her in my life to be an example of these things that I hope to emulate. A great reminder to me always. What a gift.