Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Vulnerable, Like it or Not..

Sometimes I wonder why I leave the house.  I hate how vulnerable I feel all of the time.  Like I am an open wound just bracing for when the next thing that comes along is going to pour salt in my gaping hole.  I know that, for me, it is best to just get out there and keep trudging through.  I think that if I stayed home I might get too comfortable and never leave the house.  But sometimes I wonder why I continue.
On Tuesdays I attend a workout class that one of my neighbors teaches.  It was something that I absolutely loved before Tatum got sick.  Shortly after she got sick the class disbanded for a short time.   It started up again I think in the summer.  I have been really hesitant to come back because I am not sure who knows what happened to Tatum and who doesn't.  There are influxes of new people and I don't want to really talk to new people right now.  About half way through summer I decided to give it a try.  It has been OK thus far.  There is a lady that comes that had a baby recently, which has been a little hard for me.  But I know that it isn't her fault that she has a new baby, so I have just carried on.  Yesterday I was next to someone that I know quite well and she turned to me and said "It's really hard with all of these babies".  Of course I thought that she was acknowledging the fact that I should have a baby/toddler.  Luckily before I could thank her she finished her thought.  She continued, "I really want another baby but I just don't want to potty train or have a two year old."  Hmmm.  I am sure that is probably hard.  Lot's harder than actually having a baby and then having it die and knowing that you can't ever have another one to fill your forever aching arms because it could have the same genetic disease that two of your kids have died from.  Why do we not think before we speak?  Really.  I know that I have said a million things in my life that have been absurd, but really?  Really?  I am sure that she has not thought of it since, because she didn't ever realize what she had said.   There was no gasp of, Oh my gosh.  No Wow, that must be really hard for you too.  Nothing.   I hope she doesn't ever put it together because she might be horrified.  Luckily I am not one to hold grudges.  I will soon forget what she said.  I love my silly brain.

We lost another one of our sweet neighbors this past week.  Luckily he was 91 and had suffered with health problems for the past year and a half, so it was a little bit of a relief to see him be released from his suffering.  He was such a funny and  nice man.  He and his wife served 4 church missions together and raised 5 or 6 children I think.   Just this spring he was out there cleaning up his huge yard, riding the lawnmower, he always hung his own Christmas lights (much to all of our dismay), raised and slaughtered(sometimes accidentally scaring the neighborhood kids) and packaged his own meat, he bottled his own fruits and vegetables, cleaned and cooked for his wife who had also been suffering health problems (mind you he was 90 at the time).  All of this until just very recently.  He was a true example of enduring to the end.  But he didn't just endure, he loved the Lord and bore testimony of that constantly.  He carried himself with grace and dignity even in his suffering.  He lived an amazing life and I am forever grateful to have been his neighbor.  The Heavens have received a great and feisty light.  I am sure that he has already got things running faster and more efficiently up there.  He will be missed.

The past few weeks I have been really missing my time of just sitting with Tates.  I have felt so exhausted and like I am not always accomplishing the things that I always want and need to be.  After Tater bug was sick I would scurry fast in the morning to get everyone where they needed to go, quickly tidy the house and myself and then I would try to sit with her and focus on the important things.  The first few weeks after she had her big seizure I really didn't do a lot except sit with her and communicate with people and my Heavenly Father.  It was such sweet divine time.  What a gift of time I was given, our entire family was given.  Today when I was getting ready the song "One More Day" came on, just like it used to almost every day while she was sick.  It became sort of my theme song.  It seriously came on almost every day, exactly while I was getting ready to face another uncertain day with her.  I just  love the words to the song because they reminded me to enjoy this time because we didn't know how long we had and we knew that we would soon be wishing for one more day.  And here I am, wishing for just one more day to hold her.  Longing for that day that I get to.  Yet trying to live in the present for these other sweet kids.  It is certainly a daily balance and struggle that I am not always good at.

On a side note, my Brobee costume is ordered.  Our Yo Gabba Gabba family is almost complete!  Stay tuned for pictures.
 Loving her Brobee!


  1. I am so sorry you have to deal with such crazy comments! You have made me think more about what I say! I find myself complaining about my children and yet, years ago I remember dreaming about having to deal with everyday stuff that toddlers and kids go through...praying for the chance. How quickly life gets in the way and helps us forget! Keep up the good will get through this!! LOVE YOU!!!

  2. I, too, often feel grateful my brain forgets to hold grudges so quickly. :) Your family is always in my prayers.