Wednesday, October 30, 2013

5 Months?

The title says it all.  Time is twisted.  It seems like these months have crawled because they have been so hard.  On the other hand, how has it been 5 months since I laid eyes on my baby girl?  It seems unbelievable to me that I haven't heard her or seen her or touched her in that long.  I feel like time is just slipping away too fast.   Like I said, I hate time.  It messes with my mind and my heart.

The other day someone said something about their little girl being 17 months old.  Then I realized that her little girl is the same age as Tates.  I just can't believe all of the sweet things that we are missing not having her here.

This has been a really bad day.  I have been on the verge of tears all day.  I had several work things that I needed to go and do.  As I would drive from location to location I would have to sit in the car for a second to try and compose myself before going and visiting with my patients.  Embarrassing.

I think that it has been a hard day because I decided to mourn the 5 month mark today so I can try and not ruin Halloween for the rest of the family.  So I have been trying to get all of my sad feelings out today.   I am sure that none of them mark these days like I do.  I try not to call too much attention to these hard "anniversary" days when they come because I think that Lance and the kids need to live their lives and grieve the way that they need to.  Maybe that is silly or unhealthy to "suffer in silence", but I think that it works best for right now.

I never could have guessed that Halloween would have been so hard for me.  But all I can think about is last year at this time we were having so much fun with our little girls.  They both dressed up as clowns.  Tater bug wore the same one that Trevin wore for his first Halloween.   What kind of stupid irony is that?  I even asked Lance if he thought that was weird or a bad idea.  We both agreed that we were being superstitious.  Oh boy.  So the past few days as I have watched people dressing up their cute little one year olds, it has been unbearable.
 Tatum as her cute little clown.  I used a different hat for her than for Trevin.  Somehow in 19 years the hat got lost!
 I can't believe that we were able to talk Hilary into a clown.  What a sweetie.

Trevin at 5 months, wearing the clown costume.  Our pictures were not that great back then, but I am so grateful for the ones that we have.  Miss this little guy.

 I just can't get over the contrast from last year to this year.  This is the hard part about the first year after a death.  All of the "firsts" without them.  Last year with Tatum  here is so fresh in our mind that it is hard for our hearts and minds to absorb this horrible new reality.  In better words, It Sucks, and it hurts.  I truly feel my heart broken and hurting, pit in my stomach, lump in my throat.  I hope that I can pull it all together for tomorrow.  Holden and Hilary are so excited that they are maybe going to implode if they have to wait another day.  I am going to have to put on my happy face.  Luckily I know that I can and I will.


  1. I love that you can see Tatum's painted cute clown toes.

  2. I wish I could put my arms around you and make it all better. Know that you're in my prayers. Love you.