Tuesday, October 8, 2013

There is Light, Even in the Darkness..

Well, General Conference did not disappoint!  It was amazing.  I have always felt like every six months we get a shot in the arm telling us that we are doing great, but here are some things we can work on, and you can do it.  I haven't every felt overwhelmed or chastised, even when there are specific things that really apply to me.  I have always just felt inspired to improve or do a little better.  We get that every week when we go and partake of the sacrament, which is an equally amazing gift, but there is something fantastic and uplifting about general conference that just makes me feel so renewed.  There was so much meat in the talks I just couldn't wait to hear them again, so I started re listening to a few this afternoon.  The past few days have been a little hard for me, not sure why.  I just can't seem to shake the heaviness in my heart and in my physical self.  Some days when I am riding my bike and the wind is relentlessly pushing against me and I feel like I am trying to push a thousand pounds, it feels like how I feel emotionally some days.  I know that I just have to keep pushing through, but it is just so exhausting and hard.

What better thing to do when you feel like junk you ask?  Obviously it would be a great idea to finally bust open the pictures that your friend took at Tatum's funeral.  NOT.  Well, against my better judgement I did.  I had been doing some other things on the computer and the disc was sitting there, so I decided that I wanted to just look at them quick.  First of all, I looked hideous.  I just do not photograph well, especially in candid shots.  It was nice to look back and see who was there.  There was a picture of the boys helping to carry Tatum's casket that just made my heart so sad.  What grown up young men.  They have carried a heavy burden these past 9 months, knowing that their sister was going to die, watching her get sicker and sicker, holding her hand as she left this world and then helping to carry her casket to its final resting spot.  Most grown men won't have to do such things.   They  just make me proud to be their mother.  Then there was a picture of Halea touching the casket at the cemetery, sort of her last good bye to her sweet baby sister that she had so lovingly and willingly helped at every opportunity.  I could not have survived the past 9 months without Halea and Heidi and their willingness to help whenever needed.  They learned how to work all of the machines and they knew what all of the numbers meant.  They helped take care of their sweet sister right along with me.  So grateful for their tender hearts.  I know that will be a bond between all of us that can never be severed.  I was grateful for the pictures that my friend had taken.  It brought back a lot of tender moments, but that was  OK.

Yesterday I needed to go and help a family down at Utah Valley hospital.  It was a really sad case.  They had several other children that they brought in to see their baby.  That was really hard to see because I saw my own children in them.  I just wanted to wrap them all up and take it all away from them.  While I was at the hospital I ran into our occupational therapist at the hospital.  She and I go way back.  She was Trevin's occupational therapist.  She is a great lady and I hadn't seen her since Tatum died.  She came over and gave me a big hug and asked how we were doing.  I told her "Crappy, but OK".  She smiled.  She understands.   She has worked with a lot of families in my situation.  Again, it just feels nice to be around people that know me and my family.

A few days ago a friend of mine that lives in Arizona sent me a text showing her little girl in a pair of "Brobie" jammies!  She said that she got them in the little boys section of Walmart.  On my way from the hospital I couldn't resist stopping and at least looking to see if they had them.
Bonus!  They had Brobie and Pilax!

Hilary was in bed when I got home so this morning I showed them to her.  She said "those are Tatum"s, and Trevin's.  Then she said that she wanted to wear them, all day she said it.    I totally forgot to get a picture of her all dressed up tonight.   I will post one next time.

We are getting ready to go on our trip to California.  I am sure that is part of the sadness.  I don't really want to go anywhere, I really don't want to try and have fun.  I will try to be a good sport.  I went and stocked up on all of the yummy snacks for the trip.  That's something right?

I am grateful for my heart and my eyes that allow me to still see the hand of God in my life everyday, despite the darkness that prevails some days.

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