Change#!?

Well, no one got the memo, from me that there was to be no more big change in my life until next year!  I don't love change in my "normal" life.  I really don't like it in my "new" life.  Last Tuesday our Bishop called me to his office to release me from Young Women's.  I have so dearly loved serving with the amazing women that I have been able to serve with.  They have truly helped to carry me through the darkest days of my entire life.  They have been friends and true sisters to me.  I don't have words to even express how I love them.  And the young women that I have had the privilege to rub shoulders with, to watch grow from little ladies into young women.  To witness them strengthening their testimonies and helping those around them.  To watch them stand strong in the storms of their lives.  To have them stand by me and my family during this past year.  Again, words cannot express how much I love them.  Their strength and courage have inspired me.  Oh, and they can't be rid of me either.  I have already told a few of them that I am still here, they can't get rid of me that easy.  It is  strange how I feel like they are all my children.  I have expectations of them, I have hopes for them, I will continue to cheer for them, pray for them and love them.  Now I get to just sit back and enjoy them, like grandchildren.  I think this could be good.   Truly, I am so sad to not have that same association with them on an almost daily basis.  I will miss them terribly.  I already do.  Who did not read my memo!!?  No Change!

Probably the same person who called me to be the wolf  den mother in Cub Scouts.  What the?  I haven't done scouts for almost 20 years.  Trevin was a baby.  I was the one who began fervently praying for scouts to be disbanded before Hayden turned 8.  When they called my name and announced what I would be serving as, Hayden burst out laughing.  Not a giggle, like a belly laugh.  Even he knows how funny this is going to be.  Now I have to prove myself wrong and be the best Wolf leader ever.  Sigh.    It will be fun.  Ahh change.

Last week while we were in Arizona I found out that my good friends dad was killed in a tragic head on collision.  My friend has lived in Texas for the past few years, but her parents live in Logan.  Hilary and I spent most of the day up there yesterday attending the funeral and visiting with her family.  It was a beautiful day and an amazing tribute to her father.  What a great man.  What a great loss to his family and those around him.  Hilary was so good all day.  When we got to the cemetery she loved crunching in the leaves.  She is such a little trooper to tag along to all of the things I bring her to that are not very fun for little kids.  She takes it all in stride.  I don't know what I would do without her.

They had a man playing hymns on the bag pipes at the cemetery because my friends dad served his LDS mission in Scotland.  It was soooo cool.  Love the bag pipes.

Look at all of the cool leaves, ready to be crunched.

Seriously, how can I ever say no to her?  It is really unfair.  Love her guts.

While we were in Logan, Hayden went on his first job interview, that will be exciting change if he gets a job!
Today Halea found out that she got a 31 on her ACT so she will have full tuition payed at Utah State University where she wants to attend.  What an accomplishment.  So proud of her.  Tomorrow we get to go to a dinner for her Sterling Scholar award.
Heidi is learning how to play actual hymns.  She is pretty excited about that.  She is such a determined person.  She has been setting goals for herself without any encouragement from me.  She decided that she was going to run every day with her friend, she is trying to eat more healthy.  So she has given up treats and junk food all on her own.  Our ward has been doing a Book of Mormon reading that you complete the Book in 100 days.  She is the only one in the family that is not behind.  She is doing so good in school too.  I am grateful that she might be a little more like Halea.  No offense to Hayden, but it is hard to watch a kid that has a lot of potential, not care about some things.  He is a great kid, but he is definitely one that only learns from making mistakes.  Where does he get this stubborn attitude from?  I just can't put my finger on it.
We brought Holden some Mexican jumping beans from Arizona.  So he has been pretty fascinated with those lately.  He is such a funny boy.  We knew that he would love them.

The last couple of days have been a little dark, and real roller coaster like where my emotions are concerned.  I know it is to be expected with all of the changes, but wow.  I just don't like how I feel when the sadness sets in.  It makes me grumpy with my family, which I can't stand.  I can usually recognize it and do my self talk and come out of it.  Sometimes my heart just hurts so bad still.  I know the six month mark is a hard time as far as grief is concerned.  There are all sorts of studies that show that people have a resurgence of the deep sadness during this time.  I think because reality is setting in and there is the expectation that you need to resume your life more completely and get back to "normal".  The hard part is that we are still trying to adjust to our new normal, and we won't ever be the same again.  This is where people start thinking we (the grieving) are crazy.  Well, I am crazy.  I was crazy before all of this happened, now I am just a different crazy.  I also have been sleeping horribly again, so that only exacerbates the crazy in me.
When people ask how I am, I am a little afraid to tell them.  I don't want to tell them that the sadness is still so deep that I still cry every day.  That I still put on her chap stick so I can try and remember what it tasted like to kiss her sweet lips.  That I hate that I can't remember exactly what it felt like to hold her.  That I still have her crib in our room with all of her stuff in it, and that I may never take it down.  When people ask me how I am, I answer "hanging in there, or doing all right" and then in my head I finish with "but I wish my daughter didn't die, or but not really".  I think that we are reaching the point that people are going to ask less how we are doing.  Not because they don't care, but because to them time has moved on.  I still feel a little frozen, so for me I am still so wounded and still living it so vividly that I can't believe that people can't see how I really feel.  I guess that the wounds are only on the inside, where people can't see them.  I am glad for them, because they would not want to know how this really feels and looks.  I know that the only reason that I am able to function is because I know that I will see Tatum and Trevin again.  I know that with every fiber of my being.   I know that Heavenly Father cares how much I hurt.  I know that his son, my Savior, came so that through His atoning sacrifice all could be made whole again.  I know that day will come.  And it will be a joyous reunion.  This knowledge helps me stand every day.  I will testify of these truths until my last breath is taken here on earth.  I have been given so much, and I am so grateful.