Well, we survived our first Halloween without our sweet Tater bug. I have always had a love hate relationship with this "holiday". I love to see the cute costumes, I love to hand out the candy, I love to watch the kids be all excited. The part I hate is that I am not super creative, so costumes are really hard for me. I have great ideas, but I don't know how to make them happen. I don't love the thought of my kids eating buckets of candy, especially Hilary since that's all she thinks she needs to eat everyday! Add in the fact that this year we were making another memory without Tatum, and hate was definitely winning! The only thing that was saving me was that Holden was SO excited and that I had convinced Lance and Hilary to dress up as Yo Gabba Gabba characters. So I found myself a Brobee costume! And we were set. I just thought it would be fun to do because some days that silly show was the only thing that could make her smile. The theme song would come on and even if she felt like junk, she would smile.
The day itself was super busy, because it's always a rush to get the kids ready in their costumes, we were having people over so I was making food all morning, Hilary and I had to go on a hunt for the best glazed doughnuts, then we had the Halloween parade at Heidi and Holden's school, then right after school we went to Lance's work to trick or treat, then raced back to go trick or treating in our neighborhood. Luckily I didn't have a lot of time to wallow in my self pity, which was good. Everything actually went really good, except that Hilary decided in the morning that she was going to be a FROG! Not the Fufa character from Yo Gabba Gabba. Grr 3 year olds. She kept saying that it was too itchy. I didn't fight her on it. I just let her wear the frog costume all day and I kept telling her for the night time she could dress as Fufa.
When we finally made it home to go trick or treat around our neighborhood my niece and her husband arrived to go with us. Decked out in two characters from Yo Gabba Gabba! I almost cried. They are first of all hilarious, second of all so thoughtful. It truly made my day. They said they were calling it "Taterween". It just made me feel united, we all miss her.
When we were walking up to one of our neighbors doors, I could see their little kids coming in and out of the door jumping up and down saying Yo Gabba Gabba. That made our night!
The rest of the night was fun. Some of Halea's friends came over, then a few of my friends came over, then our brother-in-law came down. It was really fun.
The next day was not as fun. Halloween hangover, and unfortunately we still had one day of school, and a middle school party that I had signed up for! Why did I do that? On a Friday? And why would they have a middle school party the day after Halloween? Who knows. I have had a really hard time wanting to volunteer at the school, which I am required to do. Some people know that Tatum died, but most probably don't know I even had a baby. I am sure that the school will give me a little bit of a pass this year, but I still don't want to blow it off completely! So off Hilary and I went to volunteer at the dance/party. I signed up because one of the kids friends mom was signed up, so I thought at least there will be someone fun to hang out with. The lady in charge immediately just made me smile. She was super worried about really silly details, that the kids could probably care less about. And I could REALLY care less about. I guess I don't get as worked up about certain things anymore. I think it comes certainly with age, but also with perspective. I tried to be nice and act like I was worried that we might run out of doughnuts, but I really wasn't. Shh. It was fun to talk to my friend and it was really fun to watch Hilary dance to the music. Once she warms up to a situation, she gets her groove on. The friend that I was talking to asked me something and as I was answering Hilary started talking about some random thing and then she got a sad face and said "And then Tatum died". Sometimes she just needs to say it I guess. I don't think that my friend could hear her though, because the music was really loud. I almost made it out of the school unscathed. Almost. A lady that I had worked with quite a bit in years past at the school came up and started talking to me. I knew that she had seen me pregnant with Tatum and carrying a baby, but I haven't seen her since Tatum got sick. I was holding Hilary when she walked up and she said, "Is this your baby?" I wasn't sure how to respond, so I paused and then I just said "I guess". The music was so loud, I didn't really want to scream "No, my "baby" died". Knowing my luck the music would have cut out right as I screamed it. So I chose, "I guess". I wonder what she thought. After the dance was over, I quickly did my part to help clean up and darted out of there before she could ask any follow up questions. Another Friday. On a brighter note, I was able to ride my bike to meet Lance after work. The weather has been so beautiful, and that has been so helpful to fend off the sadness that will probably be heavier when we are confined a little more to our house.
As for the title of this post. On Sunday I was asked to speak in our Stake Conference in a few weeks. I think that I had a feeling that this might happen. Not because I am some great orator. No, because I know that it is part of Tatum's mission to have us bare witness of the things that we know and especially have been taught through this entire experience. I have been trying really hard to listen to the spirit and focus on what I am supposed to say, not what I want to say. There will be a lot of people in the audience, and I know that I am supposed to reach certain people with the things that I have been taught this past year. I am really grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony, especially of the Atonement and the hand of God in our lives. They haven't called me to tell me what my topic is yet, so I will be excited to hear what that is. Hopefully I don't blow it. I hope that I can help to fulfill another part of Tate's mission. How lucky am I to be her mom?