I don't know why today was so hard. I guess it could be a number of things. Sleep deprivation, hormones, very busy day, Sundays are emotional or maybe it's because our daughter died 3 1/2 months ago. Sometimes I just expect this hurt to be better, and it just isn't. I want the hurt to stop, but that will bring up an entirely new set of emotional issues. The hurt at least reminds me daily, hourly, minutely (I know that is not a word!). When that stops, will I forget. I already feel like I am forgetting. I was thinking about how it used to feel to hold her in my arms. My arms and chest just hurt and ache for her. She fit just right in my arms. It was so awkward to hold her for some because she had absolutely no tone and couldn't hold her head. So if you didn't hold her and support her just right she would bend in half and flop weird. Then add in all of her tubes and "accessories". For us, we were just used to it. That was Tatum. I miss her sweaty hands. I just can't stand that I am losing the memory of what she smelled like or felt like. What a cruel thing my stupid brain is. I was talking to another mom tonight that had just visited her baby at the mortuary and she was saying that she just wanted to take her baby home so she could snuggle her one last time. There is just never enough time!
I think there are a few other things that might have triggered my "hard" day. Yesterday I pulled out all of the flowers out of our beds in the front of our house. I just kept reflecting on the fact that I planted those the day that we brought Tates to the hospital for the last time. I had a love hate relationship with those flowers. I was so happy I had planted them because they were so bright and cheery. On the other hand every time I saw them I would wonder if I had not spent those two hours planting them and brought Tatum to the hospital earlier would she have been able to stay with us for a little longer? I know that sounds crazy, but I just can't stop looping that in my mind. The flowers had started to get really overgrown, so when i would see them it was starting to stress me out. They seemed like a physical reminder of not getting her to the hospital soon enough and a metaphor for how my life and home have been feeling. Out of control and a mess. It feels OK to have the flower beds a little more tidy. Hopefully it will translate to the inside of our house now!
The other thing that has been hard these past few days and weeks is all of the cute one year olds that seem to be everywhere. I keep seeing these cute little girls with their pig tails and I think of Hilary at that age with her cute pig tails. They are constant reminders of what Tatum could and should have been doing. In my heart I know that she would not be doing those same things, but it still pricks my heart because I just want her here. How could I not yearn for this:
I don't want people who have one year olds to feel all weird around me or guilty or any of that. I am not jealous of and I don't hate one year olds or their parents. I adore them. I just want mine back. Like the title said, it has just been a hard day.