T time Hike and Birthday Blues..

Well, our hike to the Y was awesome.  It was a crazy last few days leading up to the actual day, but overall not super stressful.  I was way more stressed about the lesson I was in charge of for Sunday in Young Women's.  I had read the lesson and all of the other material that were referenced and had been talking to Halea and Lance about it.  I was trying really hard to be organized and guided by the spirit and nothing was coming all week.  I was getting really nervous because I knew that I would have a lot of things to do on Saturday for the hike so I was trying really hard to get the lesson solidified before then.  Nice try!  I started having some ideas come late Friday night and Saturday morning.  Typical.  It ended up coming together fine.  The girls ended up teaching a majority of the lesson, which is how it should be.  I certainly learn the most from a lesson when I have prepared and studied to teach and testify myself.  I asked a few girls to teach and testify of certain things in the lesson.  They all did fantastic.  I have a really hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time right now so it was a relief to have the lesson done.

     Now I could focus on the hike and the last minute things that I needed to do with that.  We had so many friends and neighbors donate items for the auction and for the giveaway bag that all of that came together with hardly any effort on our part.  It was so amazing of everyone to be so giving and thoughtful and creative.

These were the cute bags that everyone got after the hike.

On the way down to the Y mountain trail it started to pour rain.  Like, serious rain.  As we were driving, Halea looked up to see what the weather was supposed to be.  It said 0% chance of rain.  We thought that was hilarious.  When I grow up I want to be a weather man.  When we got to the trail, the weather was perfect.  It was a little overcast, so the sun wasn't beating down on us and there was no rain.  It couldn't have gone better.  We had a great turn out.  We have the best friends and family.  When most of us had made it to the top of the Y we released our balloons.

Here we are right before the balloon release.

You can see all of the clouds in the sky that were protecting us from the hot sun.

Hilary and dad watching all of the balloons go up into the sky.

Right before we started to hike I got emotional because I couldn't help remember that the last time I had hiked the Y Tatum was just a few days old.  She was snuggled up to me in the little front pack we had borrowed from a neighbor.  She was so good that day and I felt great.  I felt like we just flew up to the top.  How could that have been just a year and a few months ago?

After the hike we went back to the park and did the raffle and had snacks.  It was really fun to visit for a bit with everyone.  It was humbling to look out at all of the faces that were there.  Most had been friends of our family for quite awhile, several were Halea's good friends, a few were families that had unfortunately crossed paths with me through my work at the hospital,  some  had never even met Tatum or Trevin and yet they still made the effort to be there and support us in our cause.  The human spirit is just born to be kind and to love one another.  I was lucky to be in the presence of a room full of people that emulated that fact.  Really, I was pretty speechless looking out at all of the people who loved us and loved Tatum and Trevin.  Humbling.

After the hike we went as a family and donated our gift bags that we had put together for the hospital with the help, again, from friends and neighbors.  They turned out really cute and I think that the nurses were happy to get them.  I will feel good if even one mom can wash her hair at the hospital and not have it turn to straw from the baby shampoo that they have available for you to use.

That night we went out to dinner for mine and Heidi's birthday because we had an activity that we needed to be at the next day on our actual birthday.  Heidi picked the Olive Garden.  It was yummy.  I was glad that we went out the night before.  I had been dreading my birthday and didn't really want to have to celebrate it.
Halea told me that night that her and Hayden and Holden were going to kidnap Heidi in the morning and take her to breakfast at 5am.  That made me so happy.  Halea is a great sister.

I knew I had been dreading this birthday for a few days, but I was caught off guard at how very sad I felt, all day.  It was really hard for me to not cry all day.  From the second I woke up I was running.  I had a lot of things to do and it seemed like I was running 10 minutes behind the entire day.  I did make it to Heidi's school and took her to lunch.  I was able to prepare some things for young women's that I needed to.  I went to lunch with some ladies from the neighborhood.  While there Hilary trapped a bee in her tupperware bowl.  (she is obsessed with tupperware containers.  She carries them all over, she fills them with water and she uses them for all sorts of things like catching bugs).  She named the bee bumble and she kept calling it her pet.

I tried to talk her into letting him go, but she was not going to have any of that.  All was well until later that night when she thought that the bee had died.  She was really sad and kept saying the bee died.  Then I heard her say, He's alive.  I patted her and said maybe we should let him go since he is alive.  I didn't know that he really was alive, I was just trying to get her to forget that he had really died.  But sure enough the bee was walking around in the container.  We took him outside and let him go, so he could be "with his family" .  Crisis avoided.  Phew.

 These are the sweet cards that Holden and Hilary made me for my birthday.

I was able to visit with a friend.  I got to go and meet Lance on my bike and ride home from his work with him.  There was a huge head wind all the way home.  It felt appropriate to have such an incredible wind pushing against us all the way home.  I felt like that all day.  This was just a perfect display of how I am feeling in life right now.  With Lance at my side encouraging me and laughing with me, we made it home, just like life.   It really was an OK day, had I not cried in between every activity.  On my way down to meet people for lunch I could not control myself.  Driving to get Heidi, riding my bike to meet Lance.  I just could not stop the crying today.  I did not want a birthday today because it is like a symbol of moving on, or forward.  I am now starting a year of my life without Tatum. Last birthday she was here and things were so great.  I can't figure out how to stop wanting and missing that feeling in my heart.  I miss what I wanted my life to be like and what it was like.  People were so kind to me today.  So many people remembered.  I am sure, mostly because they knew this would be a hard day.  Well, they were right and their efforts were greatly appreciated.

Tonight after the long busy day we finally got to gather round for Heidi and I to open our presents.  I got two homemade cards from Holden and Hilary.  Hilarious.  .  Then Lance said that he had loaded a bunch of songs for me on my phone.  They were all of the songs that remind us of Tates.  He started playing them for me and I sort of lost it.  I just can't believe that she is gone.  I miss her so much.  I miss being her mom and loving on her and taking care of her.  I miss all of the things that she will never do.

It is so late.  I think that the only fitting way to end this very hard day is to go and sleep in her spot.