Friday, September 20, 2013

No Protection From the Hurt..

I have been waiting for this to happen, and yesterday it did.  I asked Heidi and the other kids if they had told any of their friends that Tatum had died.  Halea and Hayden's friends mostly knew because they have their social media and a lot of the parents know me some way or another.  Heidi has access to a little bit of social media but not much, and Holden of course has none.  Most of their friends knew that Tatum was sick, but as kids do I am sure that they never thought that she was going to die, because that just doesn't happen in most kids minds.  Yesterday when I picked Heidi up from school she told me that one of her friends asked her in a really loud voice (this friend only has one volume) how Tatum was doing.  Heidi told her "Actually Tatum passed away a few months ago".  Then this girl gasped and said something like "oh my gosh" (again in a really loud voice).  Heidi was horrified because now everyone in the class was asking what happened and she had to tell everyone.  Poor girl.  These are the things that we can't protect them from.  Heidi is in 7th grade so she has 6 different teachers, so I didn't contact them and explain what had happened this summer.  I thought about it with Holden, but we haven't had Parent/Teacher conferences yet, so I haven't done it.  I probably should so he doesn't have to explain too.  I think that they are all going to have to eventually come to terms with how they explain their family dynamics, just like other kids with different family situations, but right now it seems still too raw for them.  Darn it.
Heidi, always sooo sweet with Tatum.  If she was home, she was sitting in there talking to Tates, or playing her ukulele, or asking to hold her.  What a great big sister.  I hope she can always remember the feelings that she had while she was around Tater bug.  

Tonight Lance and I went to dinner by ourselves.  We haven't been able to do that for several weeks, so it was nice to get to talk.  Sometimes our lives get a little crazy and we forget to share the experiences that we are having through this grieving process.  He told me tonight that there were two separate occasions this week that he told someone about Tatum.  One was someone that was interviewing with him and just asked how many kids he had.  When you say seven, there will be more questions, because even in this area that sounds like a lot, especially on the church salary! (just kidding, they pay us nicely)  The other was someone that he thought knew, but didn't.  It is still a little uncomfortable for me to tell someone new about Tatum and Trevin, and I talk about everything with my friends all of the time.  I can only imagine that it is that much harder for Lance because it isn't like him and his buddies are sitting around the lunch table hashing out his feelings.  That just isn't the reality in the mans world.  I was proud of him for saying that he has seven kids.   Way to face that possibility of having to tell the story head on.  Poor guy.  He will probably never do it again.  He does not care for making other people uncomfortable.  He will avoid that at all costs.  It will be interesting to see if he changes his story next time.
This is one of my all time favorite pictures of Tates with Lance.  He wasn't afraid to get right in there and snuggle with her.  He knew how to do everything with her, except maybe her medications.  He is such a good dad, always has been.  Even with intimidating medical "stuff", he jumped in with both feet and enjoyed all of his time with her.  No regrets.

An interesting week, as we pass yet another Friday, always looking forward to our Sunday.  I need so badly to see her, feel her, smell her, hold her, talk to her, kiss her, take care of her.  My life is forever changed, many of those changes are good.  I wish so badly that Trevin and Tatum had been able to stay longer.  Although, it would have never been "enough" time.  There is no such thing.

On a real " side note", I went and met Lance on my bike yesterday.  The ride home was really windy so when I woke up this morning my legs were really tired.  I went and did my regular "run walk".  I decided I would go and meet Lance again today.  When I was getting on the trail it seemed like there was a little bit of a head wind so I thought that I would probably take it a little easy on the way down and then ride home, faster with Lance and minus the headwind.  When I got a few miles in a guy came on the trail.  He had his fancy outfit on and looked pretty "professional".   We came almost parallel with one another and I realized that maybe he wasn't so fast.  I rode by him and then a minute or so later he was right beside me.  After several minutes of back and forth I looked down at his bike and realized that he was riding the bike that I really wanted when I was looking for bikes.  My friend had talked me out of it because it was a lot more expensive than mine.  I conceded, but when I see one now I am still a little envious.  I wondered if maybe this guy was just warming up, but for the next 20 minutes or so, I hung pretty tight with him.  It was a really fun ride, secretly racing with this man who probably had no idea we were racing.  It felt good to have that little competitiveness light inside me.  I haven't felt that for some time.  I feel like that part of me has been dormant.  It would be nice if it would resurface so I could work on my hideously slow running.  I am trying to be patient, as with everything else in our lives that feels a little like it is in a bit of a shambles.  I was down at Lance's work tonight and there is a Neal A Maxwell quote that says "“Faith in God includes Faith in God's timing.”  I am trying to have that faith.  

FYI:  It is now midnight and Hilary just loaded up a piece of bread with butter and started heading into our room.  I asked her where she was going and she said "I'm going to talk to dad".  I told her that dad was probably sleeping because it is midnight.  She smiled and said , "Oh".   It is official, she is the worst sleeper (or non sleeper I should say) ever.


  1. I love reading your posts. I hear you voice and laughter in my head. Miss seeing you. Love you so much!

  2. I love reading your posts. I hear you voice and laughter in my head. Miss seeing you. Love you so much!