Wow, I had great ideas about this day. I was thinking that it was going to be relaxing and a day that I could maybe catch up on some things. The morning started off with me exhausted. Not totally unusual, but I was really dragging from the time my feet hit the floor. I was still a little stiff from our hike on Saturday, so that was certainly part of it. I dropped the high schoolers off to school and then I went and ran the other kids to their school. When I got back home I started quickly getting things ready to go run and walk with Hilary. As I was getting ready to walk out the door one of the guys that is framing our basement came up and had a few questions. Lance had been wondering, (maybe obsessing) about how to do some closets and doors. Well I am the worst person in the world to talk to about such things on a regular time in my life. Right now I could really care less about such trivial things. I just don't have the brain capacity to care. I wish that someone would just come and finish the whole basement and I would be happy to not have to decide any of it. I think that Lance is the opposite. I think that he likes to think about these things because it just keeps his mind busy and off of the sadness. Last night he had the boards all set up one way, then this morning they were back to the original way. I tried to call him on my cell phone, but if you know me well you know that my cell phone sometimes likes to play head games and let me hear the person on the other end, but they can't hear me. It is real special! I ran upstairs and tried from our home phone. Also not working! What are the odds? Frustrating. I told the framer to do it the new way that Lance had worked out the night before. It really did make more sense.
I finally got out the door for our exercise around 8:30. Grr. While I was out I got several phone calls that I could not answer. Then I got a page from the hospital. I had to borrow my friends phone to call and see what they needed. They thought that the lady might deliver fast so I figured that I would get home and quickly get ready and then just work on things around the house until they called. I got home and got a lot done. While I was checking my facebook I saw that one of my favorite neighbors is moving. The Monday was already off to a really bad start, this just sealed the deal. I just do not love change at all right now. There have been several people move in the past 3 months and I am not loving it. Did everyone not get the memo that there can be no change in my environment for the next 10 years? Come on!!
I ended up getting called to the hospital later in the afternoon. I have to say that I love going to the hospital. I have good memories (oddly) of Tatum there. I always felt really safe there, surrounded by people that I love and that love me. Every time I am there I wish for the days that I spent there with Tates. I was able to spend a lot of really good one on one time with her there. On this particular day I was working with the Newborn ICU staff. I got to work with a nurse that I have known for quite awhile and a doctor who was a great support during Tatum's illness. He was always so willing to field my crazy questions. It was a really peaceful time with this sweet family that was having to make heart wrenching decisions. After being with this family I was walking in the hallway and saw one of our nursing supervisors who used to work on Pediatrics and was one of Trevin's favorite nurses. I saw her a few weeks ago from afar and I wondered if she had heard about Tatum. So when I saw her on Monday I asked her if she had heard. She had. She was so sweet. We talked for a few minutes, and we hugged. It is weird to see people that are such a part of your history and know intimate details of your life, but we only see each other occasionally. It doesn't matter, the love for one another is as strong as it was in 1994. I just had such a connection to his nurses. Many of them came and did his home health also. She was one of those nurses. It was so nice to visit with her.
After that sweet encounter I was passing by the Labor and Delivery secretary and she told me that she needed a favor. I said of course. Then she said that she wondered if we would get her a picture of Tatum to put up in the hallway of L and D. There are several cute pictures all down the hallway of babies of our staff. I couldn't believe she was asking. Just a few weeks earlier I was on the floor and I was looking at the pictures, because I always do, and I thought "I wish that we could put one up of Tatum". Then I could see her whenever I was there. So crazy!! I was thrilled of course. I told her that I would talk with the family and we would come up with a good one. Lance and I have one in mind. And they are different. Of course.
Prepare yourself for a good cry, or maybe that's just me. It was so hard to look through all of the pictures. I can't believe how much I miss her.
Let me know what you think? I am interested to know which one people would choose.
To end this crazy weird, tender mercy filled Monday, Hilary had an ice cream bar for dinner. That is just how it is going sometimes. I am just having to accept that I can't do everything. Sometimes if Hilary wants to have ice cream for dinner, it's OK.
I am so grateful for the gift that Hilary has been to our family. She never lets us forget Tatum in every prayer. We have to pray that "Tatum gains weight". About a week ago she started insisting that we include Trevin. We are going to have some really fat angels!! I adore her spunk and her sweetness. I might have died of heartbreak if it weren't for her. I will be forever indebted to her, and so she can eat whatever she wants for dinner:)