Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Wow, I had great ideas about this day.  I was thinking that it was going to be relaxing and a day that I could maybe catch up on some things.  The morning started off with me exhausted.  Not totally unusual, but I was really dragging from the time my feet hit the floor.  I was still a little stiff from our hike on Saturday, so that was certainly part of it.  I dropped the high schoolers off to school and then I went and ran the other kids to their school.  When I got back home I started quickly getting things ready to go run and walk with Hilary.  As I was getting ready to walk out the door one of the guys that is framing our basement came up and had a few questions.  Lance had been wondering, (maybe obsessing) about how to do some closets and doors.  Well I am the worst person in the world to talk to about such things on a regular time in my life.  Right now I could really care less about such trivial things.  I just don't have the brain capacity to care.   I wish that someone would just come and finish the whole basement and I would be happy to not have to decide any of it.  I think that Lance is the opposite.  I think that he likes to think about these things because it just keeps his mind busy and off of the sadness.  Last night he had the boards all set up one way, then this morning they were back to the original way.  I tried to call him on my cell phone, but if you know me well you know that my cell phone sometimes likes to play head games and let me hear the person on the other end, but they can't hear me.  It is real special!  I ran upstairs and tried from our home phone.  Also not working!  What are the odds?  Frustrating.  I told the framer to do it the new way that Lance had worked out the night before.  It really did make more sense.

I finally got out the door for our exercise around 8:30.  Grr.  While I was out I got several phone calls that I could not answer.  Then I got a page from the hospital.  I had to borrow my friends phone to call and see what they needed.  They thought that the lady might deliver fast so I figured that I would get home and quickly get ready and then just work on things around the house until they called.  I got home and got a lot done.  While I was checking my facebook I saw that one of my favorite neighbors is moving.  The Monday was already off to a really bad start, this just sealed the deal.  I just do not love change at all right now.  There have been several people move in the past 3 months and I am not loving it.  Did everyone not get the memo that there can be no change in my environment for the next 10 years?  Come on!!

I ended up getting called to the hospital later in the afternoon.  I have to say that I love going to the hospital.  I have good memories (oddly) of Tatum there.  I always felt really safe there, surrounded by people that I love and that love me.  Every time I am there I wish for the days that I spent there with Tates.  I was able to spend a lot of really good one on one time with her there.  On this particular day I was working with the Newborn ICU staff.  I got to work with a nurse that I have known for quite awhile and a doctor who was a great support during Tatum's illness.  He was always so willing to field my crazy questions.  It was a really peaceful time with this sweet family that was having to make heart wrenching decisions.  After being with this family I was walking in the hallway and saw one of our nursing supervisors who used to work on Pediatrics and was one of Trevin's favorite nurses.  I saw her a few weeks ago from afar and I wondered if she had heard about Tatum.  So when I saw her on Monday I asked her if she had heard.  She had.  She was so sweet.  We talked for a few minutes, and we hugged.  It is weird to see people that are such a part of your history and know intimate details of your life, but we only see each other occasionally.  It doesn't matter, the love for one another is as strong as it was in 1994.  I just had such a connection to his nurses.  Many of them came and did his home health also.  She was one of those nurses.  It was so nice to visit with her.

After that sweet encounter I was passing by the Labor and Delivery secretary and she told me that she needed a favor.  I said of course.  Then she said that she wondered if we would get her a picture of Tatum to put up in the hallway of L and D.  There are several cute pictures all down the hallway of babies of our staff. I couldn't believe she was asking.  Just a few weeks earlier I was on the floor and I was looking at the pictures,  because I always do, and I thought "I wish that we could put one up of Tatum".  Then I could see her whenever I was there.  So crazy!!  I was thrilled of course.  I told her that I would talk with the family and we would come up with a good one.  Lance and I have one in mind.  And they are different.  Of course.
Prepare yourself for a good cry, or maybe that's just me.  It was so hard to look through all of the pictures.  I can't believe how much I miss her.
I am partial to this one because it was the last "professional" picture we had of her.  To me, it is her grown up self, her spiritually mature self.
This is her just about 8 weeks before she got sick.  This is Lance's screen saver  at work.  He loves her eyes.  She already seems a little older than she should.  I just knew it already.
 I love this picture because it was her at birth.  Small, but full of delight and fun.  Just a sweet little baby.  This was the picture we sent out for her birth announcement.  I put "hello world" on it, because that is how she looked.  She must have known her time was short.  She had to make her mark quick.
I love this because it is both girls.  I think Hilary would think it was funny to see herself on the wall.  There was just a deep love between the two little girlies. (are you crying yet?)
This is one of the last pictures that we took of sweet Tates before her big seizure.  There is such wisdom in those eyes.  A little twinkle of "things are going to be OK".  Love love this picture.  It won't work for the hospital, but I just needed to repost it :)
How could I not put this in the running?  I always just thought that she looked like a cute little old lady.  And that sweet smile.  Love her.
Let me know what you think?  I am interested to know which one people would choose.

To end this crazy weird, tender mercy filled Monday, Hilary had an ice cream bar for dinner.  That is just how it is going sometimes.  I am just having to accept that I can't do everything.  Sometimes if Hilary wants to have ice cream for dinner, it's OK.

I am so grateful for the gift that Hilary has been to our family.  She never lets us forget Tatum in every prayer.  We have to pray that "Tatum gains weight".  About a week ago she started insisting that we include Trevin.  We are going to have some really fat angels!!  I adore her spunk and her sweetness.  I might have died of heartbreak if it weren't for her.  I will be forever indebted to her, and so she can eat whatever she wants for dinner:)


  1. That is a hard one!! How exciting to have her on the wall. Each pictures has special meaning!! I think the black and white one shouts out to me...adorable! Yet, the one of her and Hillary is so priceless...Hillary is actually smiling at the camera!! Good luck, you can't go wrong with any of them ;) I hope the end of the week goes much smoother!!

  2. I'm voting either Lance's choice or the 2 girls. Maybe you coud ask if you coud d a collage or maybe have a large portion of the wall and do them all. Sorry you have to choose, but any would be darling! Look at me making an official comment!!!

  3. I love the picture you used on the birth announcement. It seems like you could more easily imagine her jumping up for joy up in heaven. "Hurray! I made it! I did it! It was really hard and painful but I got through it! Now come on family, Don't let me down. I know you can do it, too!"

    And seriously, I cannot believe you are going through the stress and hassle of finishing the basement at this time. Construction men are frustrating in the best of times. They need to just do what you tell them the first time and leave you alone.

  4. They are all wonderful; I love seeing both of them smiling together - reminder to me that some day they will be together again. Love you! Pat U.

  5. I'm partial to the 1st and the sisters ones. -Danae

  6. I am so excited to see a picture of Tatum up on our walls! My vote is for the one with Hillary and Tatum, so sweet!

  7. My favorite is the Hello World one from her baby announcement! I still have it up on my fridge. :) 2nd in line would be the black and white one...Lance's screen saver....but seriously...every. single. one. is amazing and wonderful and you couldn't make a bad choice....they are all THE BEST!