December 9, 1994. We were at Primary Children's Medical Center, saying our last goodbyes to our sweet Trevin. We were so young. Trevin was our whole life. I don't remember all of the details of how we picked up the pieces of our lives and I recorded little about it. I have officially learned that lesson. Hopefully I don't have to repeat it, again. I know that it was hard and I remember being so sad and having that feeling of being lost. Not knowing what to do with myself. I had a part time job doing data entry from our home, I had friends. That was about it. I was a mom, and then suddenly I wasn't. I am so grateful for my friends that became my "therapists". They listened and encouraged me, right out of the dark pit of grief. I don't ever remember feeling angry, just lost. I am sure I drove everyone crazy because I felt like I had no purpose.
I finally made the decision to go back to school in August about eight months after he died. Then shortly after that we found out that we were pregnant again. I should have known then how that little girl was going to come and rule our world, in a different way.
We usually don't do anything on this day because for me it is a sad day. I was not ready (as if I ever would have been) to be done taking care of Trevin. I would have cared for him for the rest of my days. So we usually just acknowledge it as a family and we don't make a big deal out of it. In years past we have brought treats to the hospital or gone to the cemetery, but nothing too big. This year has just felt different. I started thinking about how this day is for him. To him this is probably a great day. He was free from his sick body and his spirit was restored to it's full self again. A graduation if you will. He probably feels pretty OK with today. So I thought maybe we could do something as a family to commemorate him and do some kind things and some fun things.
I went to lunch with one of my friends because she knew that I would need some distraction. We went to Costco and Walmart and of course to Cafe Rio. While we were eating lunch my friend got into a pretty heavy conversation with Hilary. She has been bringing up Tatum's death a lot the last few weeks. We will be talking about something and randomly she will just say, "and Tatum died". Today she added that Tatum died at our house and that Lance and i were sad when she died. My friend asked Hilary if she was sad when Tatum died. She matter of fact said, "No". Then she said that Tatum wasn't sick anymore and that she would get to see her again. You know, just normal conversation with a three year old. She knows how to keep it real.
My friend gave us gingerbread house that she had made. We got to take them home and decorate them. The kids had so much fun. It really was a high light of the evening.
Before we did that we had a few things that I wanted to do. First I made dinner. When Trevin was about a year old we discovered that he loved broccoli cheese soup. One night Lance and I and Trevin went to Hogi Yogi (a local sandwich shop) because they had really good broccoli cheese soup. We sat down at one of the tables to eat. Trevin ate a ton of it. Unfortunately after Trevin had his big seizure, his gag reflex was horrible. This reflex triggered that night and he projectile vomited all of the soup out onto everything within swinging distance. It was everywhere. Lance and I looked at each other and started laughing and we didn't know what to do. We felt horrible, but we cleaned up the best we could and then quietly snuck out. Ever since then I always think of Trev when i am eating broccoli soup. So that is what I made for dinner, in honor of our sweet boy.
Then we assembled more jammie bags for the pediatric unit at our hospital. Our niece and her husband came down to help us. We were able to do 18 bags. I wanted to do 20, because Trevin would have turned 20 this past May, but we ran out of bigger bags. Of course. I was just grateful that we had 18.
We drove down to the hospital and delivered them to pediatrics. Then we went upstairs to Labor and Delivery so everyone could see the pictures of Tatum hanging up.
Overall it was a pretty good day. I cannot believe that it has been 19 years since I have seen our sweet boy. It blows my mind. I miss so much what it would be like to have him in our family. I wish that he were here, but I am glad that he is with Tatum watching over her, until we can all reunite as a family. I wish that it didn't hurt so much to have them gone, but we have to know that sorrow to appreciate the sweet.
His life was so good and pure. In his quick 18 months he taught me so much. He taught me what strength really is. He demonstrated such strength and patience with his broken body. He helped me understand what true unconditional love is. He taught me to be calm in the face of adversity. He helped me see how strong I could be. He helped me to learn to turn to Heavenly Father and to understand the love the Savior has for each one of us, despite all of our faults. He taught me forgiveness. I know that he laid the foundation for the rest of my life, and helped me incorporate qualities that I needed into my life and my being. He prepared me for Tatum. His life allowed me to see the miracles that we have witnessed in the past year. He softened, and strengthened my heart and put me on a path of service and compassion and love for others that has allowed me to survive and thrive in this past year. I know that. I am really forever grateful for him and what he has done for me. I am sure that he had to sacrifice some of his own wants in order to teach all of us. A priceless gift, that I will cherish. Knowing all of that, I still miss him and wish he were here:)
A few other things that we were able to do this weekend:
Halea was gone on her California trip for cross country.
Holden had his Medieval Festival at school and I got to go and help set up. On Monday he announced that he had achieved "Knighthood" and so he would need a knight costume. I was walking out the door to run some errands so I told him that I would try and help him figure that out when I got home. I left for a few hours. When I got home he had already fashioned a costume out of card board. Does this say that he has no faith in my creative abilities, or that he doesn't trust that I will help him? Hmm. He did a way better job than I would have. I am grateful for this creative boy.
On Saturday we had our ward Christmas Breakfast then I talked Lance and Hilary into going up to the Festival of Trees. I really debated on whether we should go or not because it had been snowing all day. My neighbors kids did a tree in memory of her so I really wanted to go and see it. My other friends daughter that had trisome 18 had a picture by one of the trees. I was so glad that we went. It was really fun. My niece and her husband met us there and we walked around to all of the trees and then we went and grabbed a bite to eat, then to Target to do some Christmas shopping. It was a really fun night.