A little background: Before Hilary, we had 5 kids that slept. I mean slept through the night when they were 6-8 weeks old! Occasionally we had to get up in the night with one of them after that, but very seldom. Halea had a hard time when she was a toddler and moved to a "big girl" bed, but only for a few weeks. Heidi would come down a few times a week when she was a toddler, but we would march her right back up to her bed. One time she did scare a couple that was staying with our kids for a few days to death! I may have forgot to tell them that she wandered at night. Eventually this stopped. Then there was Hilary. I am not sure she has gone more than a few nights in a row of sleeping through the night or where she has not come down to our room. She used to wake up just screaming bloody murder from the top of the stairs, almost like a night terror. When Tatum got sick, she seemed to do a little better. Either that or I was delirious. So for the past year, or so, Lance has laid down in her bed with her until she falls asleep. Well, this has turned into a three hour ordeal because Lance always falls asleep. The other night he was doing something so I told Hilary that I was going to lay down with her. She was not too happy, but finally conceded that I was better than nothing.
As we were laying there she was talking and I was just being quiet, trying not to encourage any extra conversation. She turned to me and and said: "When you were a baby, Tatum and Trevin loved you". It took me back because she said it so matter of fact, and not with her mixed up words like she does sometimes. Then she said a few more things that she always says about Tatum and Trevin. I just wonder what she really knows. Some confirmation of our pre existence. That night I had a very vivid dream where I saw Trevin. Sometimes I talk in my sleep. I am pretty sure that I yelled his name, because I woke myself up.
The other night she was showing one of our friends our Christmas tree. She was showing her all of her favorite ornaments on the tree. There is one that Holden did in Second grade. It is a paper Santa that they put Holden's picture as the Santa face. She laughed and laughed the first time she saw it. She said something about Holden not having a beard because he was too young to have a beard. Then she pointed out a BYU ornament that has a cougar on it. She said "that one has a gruber". Hilarious
Today we were driving past our neighbors house that have an interesting lighting group of the manger scene with Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. Right next to it they have a lit Santa. Hilary yells from the back seat, "There's Jesus Christ!" (because she never just says Jesus, it's always Jesus Christ, which unfortunately sounds like a swear word, but how do we correct her?) Then she says "And there's Santa. Hey, Santa isn't Jesus' dad! That's silly". I nearly lost it. She is a crack up a minute.
We went to a puppet show that was put on by a group of disabled adults. They sang some Christmas songs and the puppet show was done with black lights. Seriously, so cute. Hilary loves to sing all of the songs, so she had a blast. I was so glad that we took time to go. I think it was one of the highlights of both of our days. A few years ago, I might not have dropped everything else that I needed to do. I would have certainly missed a sweet time with Hilary and the special people that were in the puppet show. Thanks Tates! Lesson learned.
Last Sunday I substituted in nursery for a lady while she is gone on a cruise for two weeks. It was harder than I though it was going to be. Hilary is only in there for a few more weeks, she is one of the older kids. Most of the kids are Tatum's age or a little bit older. On Sunday not one boy came. It was all girls! I tried not to think about what I was missing, but it was hard because it was all right there. What a sweet age. We had a few criers, so I was needing to hold one here and there. It really pulled at my heart. What I wouldn't give.
Today I went to a mortuary to help a family do some hand molds of their sweet little boy that died. The mortician told the family that we had lost a child so she asked me a few questions and then she asked me if I ever felt guilty. I wasn't sure how to answer her. My initial feeling was sadness for her. I know that guilt is a horrible, destructive feeling to have, especially when associated with the death of your child. I have been thinking about that question ever since. I have felt guilt that I gave this disease to Tatum and Trevin. I feel guilt a little when I wish that I had completely stopped any outside activities and just sat on the couch non stop and soaked up both of our sweet babies. Which in reality I almost did anyway, but I was still trying to function in things that just weren't important. There are, obviously, medical decisions that I wish I could have done differently and that cause some guilt. I know that neither Tatum or Trevin would want me to feel any guilt. I did my very best and I think that they know that. I love them beyond measure and would have done anything for them. I guess I feel peace, most days. I know that guilt is, like I said before, destructive and the opposite of the light of Christ. I have been lucky to not feel wracked by it. My heart broke for this mom, because she was at the beginning of this really hard process and because there was nothing that she could have done to save her little boy and yet she was being overwhelmed by guilt. Grateful that I have not had to deal with that on top of all of the other emotions.
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