ADHD of Grief...

I am sure that I have ADHD! First of all I was reading my last post, which I never do.  But I couldn't even remember what I had written.  Oh, the grammar and the missed words and run on sentences and sentences that don't make sense.  I really have to stop writing these in the middle of the night!  I apologize.  Not only am I exhausted, but I am also super distracted.  In everything that I am doing.  It is really hard to focus on much of anything.  I am really forgetful of things that I used to be able to remember with no problem.  It is soooo frustrating.  Especially right now when I am trying to get everyone ready to start school and trying to get myself back to work and other activities and trying to do some last minute fun things for summer.  Ahhhh.  I have been trying to focus on the things that I absolutely have to get done and then anything that I get done over and above that is a bonus.  For someone who used to be able to get a lot of things done, I mean multitask was my middle name, it is very frustrating.  All part of this super fun process.(are you sensing the sarcasm?)

Yesterday I was able to go to the Temple with our Young Women.  After I got them all settled I ran upstairs to do a few family names.  As I got to the front desk where you check in I heard my name.   I looked over and there was one of my neighbors from the part of our neighborhood that was split off from our ward about 7 years ago.  We said hello and then he said that he was so sorry to hear about Tatum.  When I went back a little further into the Temple I saw his wife.  She came and gave me a big hug and said how sorry she was.  It was really nice for them to acknowledge Tatum.  These were never people that we did things with socially, but they were good neighbors.  They have also lost two children so they have a little different understanding than most.  It was sweet.  We had a great experience at the temple.

In the morning and in the afternoon I went and did hand molds at two different mortuaries for little babies that had died.  It was a pretty emotional day.  I did pretty good most of the day holding the emotions in.  It really brings things rushing back.  I think about all of the hard things these poor families are going to be going through.  I just hope that they have as good of a support system as we do.  People have been so kind to us.  I know that not everyone is so lucky.

Last night we had our mother daughter dinner at one of our neighbors back yard.  We told Hilary that we were going to a party and she got so excited.  When we got to the backyard she saw balloons and got so excited and jumped and said something like, The party!!    I was happy to be there with my girls, but it was ever so evident to me that Tates was missing.  Whenever I am going to things like this I am always thinking about how it would be if Tatum were here.  Ugh.  Last night was no exception.  I really didn't want to be there because  I want to just live in a bubble right now.  I don't want to meet anyone new.  I don't want to explain why I am sad or tired.  While we were in line getting food I was talking to some cute young ladies that I have known forever.  Hilary didn't want anything on her plate except for chips, of course.  I shrugged my shoulders and made the comment that You can tell she is the last because she gets to eat chips for dinner.  One of the girls I was talking to said that it was OK because our other kids turned out just fine.  Then I said "yeah they all survived right?"  Then I paused and said something like "I guess they didn't all survive"  Then there was that awkward laughing and a quick move to another subject.  I am sure they were thinking, Why is she laughing?  or She is crazy!   This evening was not off to a good start.  The past few days I have felt a little bit more sad and I can feel the sadness weighing on me.  I tried to put on my happy face while I was there.  I tried to just talk to people that I know will just let me be who I am right now.  I used to be the last to leave such an event, last night I was one of the first to leave.  It was nice to hang out with my sweet girls for a few minutes, but I was happy to be home.

Luckily this was what we saw as we walked home from the mother daughter party.  The picture does not do this gorgeous sunset justice!

I stayed up too late, again, last night and I was up early.  It has been another crazy busy day.  We are trying to get ready to go to Bryce Canyon in the morning for a few days.  It seems like whenever we are trying to get out of town all heck breaks loose.  I left the house at about 10 am this morning and I didn't get home until around 5:30.  I was so tired, but when I walked in my door there were beautiful flowers and a treat and a lovely note waiting for me from one of my sweet neighbors.  People are so much more aware than I am.  It was such a thoughtful thing.

I really have to go to bed so we can make it to Bryce Canyon alive.  I am still working on the PayPal account, but here is the tentative info for our hike:

Monday September 2, 2013
Y Mountain in Provo, UT
meet at the bottom of the hill at 8:30, begin hike by 8:45
after the hike we will gather at Kiwanis Park for treats and raffle items.
Hopefully at the end we will have a balloon release.

It will be quick and short and sweet just like Trevin and Tatum.  Hopefully we will figure this PayPal account out so we can raise some good money to get started with our fund for families that need assistance paying for funerals.   I will try to get something posted on Facebook and instagram and email in the next few days.  Pass the information along to anyone that might be interested.  It will be a fun morning for that weird holiday that no one knows just what to do!  Now you do:)  Hike the Y.