So it was Friday again. Nine Weeks. It is almost double digit weeks. Good and Bad. Good that I want the time to pass because I know that it is going to get better eventually, and it will mean that I am that much closer to seeing them again:) Not that I wish for death, but we all go at some time and every day I get closer to my time. Bad because I can't believe that it has been that long since I have seen her and held her and smelled her and heard her and felt her spirit. It is really unbelievable.
My evaluation of myself at 9 weeks: I still cry every day. I think about her every day. My heart sometimes still physically hurts when I breathe. I am sad because I feel like I am forgetting some things. The other day I was trying to remember details of the last day with Tates and I couldn't remember calling our nurse practitioner. I need to go back and see if I wrote about it. I hate that I will forget certain details. I feel change in my spirit that is good. I feel calmer overall. I am still really zapped for energy. It takes me a long time to accomplish things. Every once in awhile I get a surge of energy, so I hurry and clean or do something that I have needed to do because it doesn't happen often. I am sleeping better. I still can't lose a pound even though I am probably exercising double what I was while Tatum was sick. Go figure. I know some of that has to do with grieving. It takes a lot of physical energy to grieve, so I know that your body goes into a shut down of sorts. That still doesn't make it OK, it's frustrating. I have after effects of having a baby still, that are constant reminders that I should still have a baby. Like my hair has total regrowth all over that is super attractive. I have all of these little short hairs mixed in with my long hairs. I guess I should just be happy that it is growing back says Lance. I feel very unfocused in a lot of areas of my life. I feel focused on living my life better and different, so that feels good. I hardly watch TV at all anymore. That has been so great. My spirit feels so tender still, but it is OK, I kind of like it. I am more careful with things that I expose myself to, and that is a great thing. I am trying to be more patient with our kids. I feel like for the most part when they do something that they shouldn't or something that I have asked them not to that I can be calmer while talking to them. In the back of my mind is always the feeling, don't sweat the small stuff. I still need to teach them, so I am trying to find that balance of not caring and letting them do whatever and having expectations so they grow up to be productive, good, thoughtful people. Overall I feel like I am doing "normal" grieving things. There is nothing that can take away the sadness and the pain, except if I allow the atonement to work in my life. That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to turn the pain and the hurt over to the Savior, and asking Him to help me carry the load. While trying to learn the lessons and allowing myself to change into what I need to be from this. Change is very hard, and it hurts, but I know the end result will be joyous and so I know it is worth it.
I was talking to a friend on Friday and I was talking to her about some of the changes I was feeling in myself and my kids. She has experienced the loss of a child also. She asked if knowing what I know now would I change things. The answer is no. I would not change Tatum and who she was and what her plan was. She has changed all of us, including people outside of our immediate family. The only thing I wish that I could change would be the amount of time. I would have wished for more time with her.
Friday after my walk I decided to go on a bike ride. I called one of my friends to see if she wanted to go but she had flat tires so I took off on my own. I rode up through Alpine and did a bunch of hills that I used to do. It was fun to do something other than the trail for a change. I decided to head through the backside of Highland by Lone Peak high school and then I was going to take a little piece of the trail home. I got to the light and Lone Peak and realized that my tire was going flat!!! I quickly crossed the road, because our mortuary that we took Tatum to is right across the street. I have known our mortician for several years because of what I do at the hospital. I consider him a friend, especially since our experience with Tatum. Unfortunately I was in biking clothes, which just feel inappropriate to wear to a mortuary. I did it anyway. I peeked my head in and luckily he was there. Ahh the angels. I told him my dilemma, and he hopped up and said he had a great pump to fix my tire. He came out and pumped up my tire. He said if it went flat again to call him and he could come pick me up and bring me home. What a life saver. I rode as quick as I could because I felt like the tire was not going to last. And I was right. I got through the first section of the trail and the tire went flat again. I pulled out one of my CO2 cartridges and tried to pump it up that way. No luck. I called the friend that I asked to go on the ride with me and she came and got me and my ridiculous bike. Good think that she didn't come with me. Angels.
I tried to quickly get some things done before I had to bring Heidi to her last swim meet. I dropped her off at 1:30 ran home and did a few things and then ran back to the meet, that still hadn't started when I got back. Oh boy. It was so crowded and hot I knew we were in for a looong day and probably night. Heidi came back from her first race that was a relay, and showed us her goggles:
I got home and quickly freshened up and then we went to dinner with some good friends that have been so kind to us through this experience with Tatum. We would not have survived this without our good friends. It was a really fun evening. It was nice to just catch up and visit and feel a little "normal".
Saturday morning I did my usual jog/walk with my neighbor. When I got back Lance asked if I wanted to drive our bikes to Utah Lake in Provo and ride home so we could check out the trail in Provo. We were a little leery to take our rode bikes on the Provo part of the trail because it is older and not as well maintained as the Murdock part of the trail that Lance takes to work. The trails connect so we were hoping that we could take all of the kids on the trail from Provo to home but he thought we better check it out first. I had a few things I needed to do before we could leave so I went and did those. One was a walk not too far from my house for a little baby that had died on Sunday in our NICU. I had been with the family and we had a lot of mutual friends so I wanted to go and support them. They had quite a few people show up to support them so I was really glad. I just watched them all take off and then I went home so Lance and I could get on the road because it was only getting later and hotter.
On the way down to the Utah Lake we dropped our rode bikes off to a bike shop to have our tubes in our tires changed to ones with slime and we bought a hand pump to hook to our bikes so hopefully we don't have to be stranded again.
We got to the Lake, and started off on our journey. We knew this ride was going to take us a little longer because we were on our mountain bikes, so we went into it with low expectations. The Utah Lake part of the trail is really nice because it is shaded, but the actual trail is super bumpy until you get about 5 or 6 miles into it. Apparently it is a trade off. Either you have shade provided by trees that in turn grow roots under the trail and ruin the trail or you have no shade and a smooth trail. We knew that we would only be able to ride mountain bikes on this part of the trail. Disappointing. It was nice to take an easy ride because we were able to talk. Sometimes I forget to talk to Lance about everything, because I blog and then I think that I have talked to him, but I haven't. I know that men are different and he probably doesn't get to talk about Tatum like I do, and I was right. It was nice to get to hear how he has been feeling. We stopped at Lance's work to freshen our water and Lance needed to send some files. It was nice to sit in the air conditioning and get a cold drink. Then we headed back home. The ride ended up being about 25 miles. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be on a mountain bike.
When we got home we went and picked up our rode bikes. Then we got home and showered and went to a wedding reception for a family that we have known since we have lived in this neighborhood. They used to be part of our ward, but were split off about 7 years ago. I was a little nervous about who we would see there. A lot of the people in the neighborhood know that Tatum was sick and died, but some that we were more acquaintances with probably don't know. Either way it was going to be not safe. We brought Hilary with us because we knew she would like the treats. We did see several people that knew about Tatum and they were sweet to ask how we were doing. The few that we saw that I don't think they knew we were able to skirt around and not have to answer a bunch of questions. So it worked out just fine. I was relieved to not have to ruin other peoples evenings.
A busy, but fun and somewhat productive weekend. I think that we are doing OK. There are going to be emotional issues through something like this, no matter what. I think that we are all doing the best we can. We miss Trevin and Tatum because we love them and that is just unavoidable. I am so grateful for the people that surround me and buoy me up every day. I know that people are being guided and directed by the spirit to help us. In that way I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and my family and is aware of our needs. Through this trial I have had spiritual witnesses of that truth and I can never deny that there is a God and that he hears our pleas. I am forever grateful for that knowledge.