I was thinking about what has happened in two years. Two years ago, when I came home from this cross country camp, the Bishop knocked on my door to see if I had a minute. I was filthy. I had literally just walked in the door. We had done two long runs. I had dirt all up my legs and I am sure I smelled like a rose. I of course invited them in and that is when he asked me if I would be the Young Women's President. Shortly after that I was pregnant with Tatum. You know the rest of the story. It has been a long two years, and yet gone in a blink of an eye.
We dropped the kids off to the start of their trail and then we went and met them at the half way point. That is where I started off with them and we ran back to where they had started. Luckily I only fell once this time and almost fell another dozen times. I felt OK afterwards though, no permanent injuries.
When we got home from the camp I showered up and did a few things while we waited for Lance and Hayden to get home from their crazy biking adventure. Lance drove his bike down to Utah Lake, rode back to the house, then he and Hayden rode bikes back down to the lake to get the car. Unfortunately along the way Lance got a flat tire. (we are seriously cursed!) He had brought my portable pump with him, but had a hard time figuring it out so they were stuck for almost an hour trying to figure out his tire. Hayden was pretty postitive about the whole thing. I was pretty proud of him for having a positive attitude. Lance was pretty bummed that Hayden wasn't really sore the next day! Punk 15 year old bodies. Enjoy that while you can.
In the afternoon when I got home I was working on some hand molds that I had done for a family. Hilary kept asking if she could see Tatum's hands. She remembered that we had done Tatum's. I tried to explain to her that these were not Tatum's hands and feet. I am not sure she bought the explanation. She must wonder sometimes if we have Tates hidden somewhere in the basement.
That afternoon I took Heidi shopping for some last minute uniform items and just to shop around. She is getting to be such a little teenager. She likes shopping and eating out. She had been so patient waiting for her turn to go and she was so helpful with Hilary that I really wanted to take her out and do something special with just her. The bad news was that I started getting a raging headache. Even though I had to cancel on her the day before, when she saw that I was having a headache she said that it was fine if we didn't go. She is always so aware of other people and their feelings. I took some ibuprofen and tried to pull it together. Luckily once we got going my headache subsided quite a bit. We were able to hit several stores and we got some good deals. Success. We grabbed something to eat and then headed home. She was so grateful and appreciative. She is such a good girl. She is really a big help to me, I was so happy to do something fun for her. It was a nice end to a busy and good day.
That night before I went to bed I got out my Patriarchal Blessing because Halea was supposed to be getting hers on Sunday morning. I hadn't read it for awhile. It is always so neat to read it and see what stands out at different times in your life. Mine says a few really specific things that I should do . It makes me smile every time I read those parts because it shows how well my Heavenly Father knows me. Confirmation, too, that these Patriarchs are certainly inspired to say the things that they do.
Unfortunately we woke up to a call at 8am this morning saying that we needed to reschedule Halea's blessing , again. We have had to reschedule a few times now. Of course my first thought is "if she dies before she gets this I will be so mad!" Well, that sounds completely irrational, but when you have had a child die, you realize that any of them could die at any time. I know that sounds morbid and sad, but it is just one of those emotions and fears that comes to the forefront of your mind more readily when it has actually happened. When it happens a second time it feels certain that it will probably happen again. It isn't if but when. Your rose colored glasses that used to tell you that bad things only happened to other people and that everything would be fine are crunched under neath your grief. So you realize that you have no control over things like guaranteeing that your kids will live.
I got myself ready and then went to choir. We have been practicing "Be Still My Soul" to sing today in Sacrament. There were two great young men from our ward that just got back from serving their missions and they were giving their home coming reports. I was excited to hear from them. As we were practicing the song I could feel myself getting pretty emotional. The words of this hymn are so beautiful and fitting for me to sing right now. Our choir director also has a little baby that is about 10 months old. She was holding him while she was directing and he was clinging to her and snuggling her and holding her so tight. As I was watching him I was thinking of sweet Tatum and how I would give anything to have her here. I was also thinking how sad it was that she was never really able to express herself that way, through hugging and grabbing and snuggling. She lost all ability to move and so it was all with her eyes. How heart wrenching. What a very patient soul she is.
When we got to sacrament I just felt so incomplete without my big stroller with Tatum and all of her accessories. It was just one of those emotional days today. I was just missing her a lot. I hate that time is moving forward and that I can't stay in my bubble of people that knew her forever. I feel safe around people that just know what has happened and that knew her and loved her. I feel that safe bubble receding.
We came home from church and had dinner. As an assignment from his class at church Hayden was supposed to cook and clean up dinner. I helped a little but it was nice to have him get in there and really do the cooking and the cleaning. I have not done a really good job at having the kids help me in the kitchen. It is so much easier to just do that by myself. As I was watching Hayden do certain things (like measure or open a can) I said to myself that I need to get better at that aspect of my parenting.
After dinner a few of my friends came around and did some visits to neighbors with me. It started out really hot, but by the end of the night it was beautiful. There was a little breeze and there was a gorgeous sunset. Times like that I remember that there is a Creator who knows all. I have always loved the hymn "For the Beauty of the Earth" too. I think that summed up this weekend. We are surrounded by constant reminders of the beauty and power of the earth and of our Savior. With Him all things are possible. I know that.
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