It has been three months ago today that our sweet angel finished her journey here with us. I can still feel that deep sadness so clearly. I want it to go away, but in some ways it feels OK that it is still here because it is part of her memory for me. To start feeling "normal" things again or to not feel that deep, cutting sadness in my heart feels like I am forgetting. I know that I am not, but that is how it feels. I try not to fight the good feelings, I laugh (obviously, if you know me well you know that laughing is like breathing to me) I sing, I play, I joke, I exercise, I do normal things. It just doesn't always feel as good as it used to. It sometimes feels flat. I know that going through the motions will retrain my brain and my heart to feel those things again. I will probably always be and feel a little different, and that is OK. We are never the same person after something big and life changing happens. It is our choice if it makes us better or worse, but we are always different. I feel like at this three month mark that Lance and I are doing OK. We are functioning, still immensely sad, spiritually better, shocked sometimes at what people do or say, but for the most part we have been so blessed with good, supportive friends and family. Not everyone has such a great support system and so we are grateful that people have been so kind and generous to us. I am so grateful that we were able to share Tatum and her life with our family and friends through this blog. It has helped people to remember her and that really helps all of us. We don't ever want to forget all of the amazing things that our kids have taught us.
Just before I woke up to write this morning I was having a dream about Tatum. I was over at my sister in laws house and I was holding Tatum. In the dream Tatum had died, but somehow I got to have her back for a little bit of time. I was telling Lance to take pictures and I said something like "how will I explain these pictures on instagram?" Maybe I am doing too much instagram?! I am grateful for this dream even though it left me wanting more when I woke up. Poor Hilary has been having nightmares every night. She unfortunately inherited my very vivid dreaming. Lance doesn't ever dream. She has never been a good sleeper any way, but she has ended up in our bed nearly every night since Tatum died. She also talks a lot in her sleep and she seems to have very active dreams. (are you understanding why we are so tired now?) A few mornings ago she was talking in her sleep and she said Tatum's name and I think that she laughed. I was pretty groggy, in fact I asked Lance that morning if he heard her say Tatum's name because I wasn't sure if it was in my own dream or not. He said that he did hear her. I was so sad for her. I felt bad that she was feeling tormented and missing her sister. I started wondering if we needed to bring her to a therapist. My heart was so sad, and a little envious that she was getting to dream about Tatum, because I couldn't remember even getting to dream about her yet. As I was talking to one of my friends about my concerns a little later that morning she said that maybe Hilary was getting to see Tatum, as an angel. That was a lot better thought. Why hadn't I thought of that? I know that the veil is thin between this life and the next. Why wouldn't Heavenly Father allow sweet Hilary to know that her sister is OK. I have worried a lot about her because she is so little and doesn't have the communication skills that the other kids do to express what she is feeling. I hope that Tatum is getting to visit her big sister and tell her that everything is OK.
That morning when Hilary had said Tatum's name in her sleep continued to be an interesting morning. I was exhausted by the time we got back from our walk. When we were almost home from our walk Hilary said that she wanted to see Tatum's flowers. That was a perfect request and reminder to look for the joyful things we have. The roses are joyful to me. We went back and there were a few in bloom and several buds that are getting close to blooming. Hilary was really excited to show them to me. Those flowers are so precious. We all love them.
When we got to Midway, I think that I expected it to be cooler because it is in the mountains. Well apparently it is just closer to the sun! I have never been so hot in my life. It was fun to finally see what all the fuss was about, but wow I don't think that I will ever go back if it is that hot. Poor Hilary was just droopy.
One of the highlights of Swiss Days was that I ran into one of the nurses from my Pediatricians office. She was there the day that Tatum got sick, and walked over with us and took care of Hilary for awhile until things settled down. She had just had her baby about six weeks ago and had him with her and she said that she isn't going back to work. She gets to stay home with her kids. What a great thing for her, but sad for me. Another change in life. Boo. I really loved her. She has been in their office for a long time. So happy for her, though.
When we got home I ran over and picked up our shirts for the hike. They turned out super cute.
I wish that I had ordered more. I just didn't know if people would want one or not. I just decided that if people wanted one then we would just do another order, so that is what we are doing.
Then I rode down and met Lance at his work. The ride down felt super fast, so I knew that it was going to be a hard ride home. I was very right. There was a pretty stiff headwind all the way home. When we got home we got ready and headed out to do some errands that we needed to do for the hike. While we were out Lance told me that at work someone that didn't know that Tatum had died had commented on how beautiful his baby was because her picture is his screen saver. Luckily for Lance he said it as he was leaving his office so there were no follow up questions like "how old is she", so he didn't really have to go into the details and make everyone uncomfortable. I never think about Lance having to encounter the questions and the uncomfortable situations like I do, but I guess he does. I think it caught him off guard. He is such a good dad and is so connected to Trevin and Tatum and I can still see the sadness in his eyes when he talks about them. It makes me feel normal when I see him sad because he is an overly positive person. It is good to know that even he is still heart broken. I don't mean that I am glad that he is heart broken. That didn't come out right. You know what I mean:)
The next few days will be busy and emotional. My heart is heavy, missing our sweet Tatum and Trevin. Three months. Unbelievable.