Baby Steps

Ahh grief.  I talk about it, I have lived it, I even teach about it through my work at the hospital, but here it is again, rearing it's ugly head in my life.  I say that in the most loving way.  I know that the process of grieving is a beautiful thing, if only it didn't have to hurt so much or take so much out of a person.  I know that this experience has been and will continue to change mine and my families hearts, and so I know that it is worth all of the hurt and pain, but it is just hard.
Baby steps:  I slept in my bed last night.  You know how even in the dark you can navigate your bedroom with no problem because there is just a natural sense you gain from walking to your side of the bed without even thinking about it.  I have totally lost that sense.  I had a hard time feeling my way to my bed, but I finally made the journey early this morning.  I only cried for a bit until I fell asleep.  I would sleep on the couch for the rest of my life if only it could bring Tatum back.  I know that she wants me to live again, really live.  That includes sleeping in a bed!
I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep so I went to the couch and turned on my Pandora Hilary Weeks radio station (the best!) and just read for a bit until it was time to get ready for our nephews baby blessing.   Lance and I decided to just let everyone else sleep while we went since it was at 9:00am.  Hilary has been terribly out of sorts and so we thought it best for her to sleep.  It was nice to see our family and it was a sweet blessing.  We really want to make sure that we go to these events so that people are not uncomfortable around us.  It is always a little weird being around someone who has lost a baby or child when you have a new baby or a child.  We know that and so we want to make sure that no one feels strange around us.  We have no resentment or envy or anything like that.  We marvel at healthy babies that are Tatum's age but I really feel no animosity.  I may want to steel them, but that is another story.  I keep telling everyone who comes to our door that if anyone has a baby to drop on a doorstep, let it be mine.  But in reality, I just want Tatum, not anyone else's baby.
On the ride up and the ride back Lance and I were able to talk and catch up with each other.  It was nice to get to compare our feelings and just talk through things.  There is a lot that needs to be processed that has happened over these past few months.  It was nice to have no distractions.
When we got home I just curled up on the couch and laid in Tatum's spot and listened to music for a bit until it was time to get Hilary ready for church.  It was a nice easy morning.
The Primary Presidency came by to give Holden, our 9 year old, a little gift.  It was really sweet.  Two little baby willow tree figurines.  It was such a sweet gesture.  When he gets older he will appreciate it a little more.  As a mother I was so appreciative.  It is going to take a village to get all of the kids through this grieving process.  I am thankful for anyone who wants to offer help.  Holden has been a funny one.  He is right on the cusp of sort of understanding what is happening.  He is probably just not quite sure how to express it or process it.  This is manifesting by magnifying every annoying trait he has.  I always tease that he has ADHD because I have to tell him a million times to do things.  Well, now it is two million times!  He can't ever find his shoes.  Today he almost had to go to church with no shoes.  We have 1:00 church.  Really, he couldn't find them before then?  Heaven help me, really!  Poor kid.  I am going to have to be a little more patient, and that seems like it might be a little hard.  We will see how this goes:)
Church was good.  You feel a little bit like the elephant in the room.  That is why we just wanted to go so that we could get right through all of the awkwardness. People were so sweet.  Our sweet Young Women are going to sing a song at the funeral, so we practiced that.  We had a combined lesson and it was fabulous.  Then I was naughty and lured one of my friends to spend Sunday school hour sitting outside talking.  I know, terrible.  I feel like I don't have a lot of focus right now, so I wasn't sure how I would do.  I promise to go next week.  Sacrament meeting was sweet.  As I sat there though it felt really awkward to not have Tatum's stroller sitting outside of our pugh.  It was like an appendage of mine was missing.  Oh this is rough.   Our Bishop was tender as he announced Tatum's passing and then he was able to bare his testimony and it was tender.  All of the testimonies were sweet.  Two families that have lived in our ward forever announced that they are moving in a few weeks.  Lance and I both bore our testimonies.  I said that I was going to start campaigning for 1/2 hour church like they do up at Primary Children's.  Lance gave a funny story and related it to making sure our spiritual batteries are always charged for times like this.  How grateful I am that we try really hard to keep charged.  There are certainly days that going to church or doing our callings or reading my scriptures etc. are hard, but for the most part I always fill like these are all things that I want to do, not things I have to do.  I think that makes such a difference in how I feel about the gospel.  It is my life, not something that I am doing in my life.  There is a difference.
Lots of people came up after and offered their well wishes to us.  It was a tender day.
Our sweet friends brought us dinner and we had some family over to visit.  From here it gets a little blurry.  Apparently I curled up in Tatum's spot and fell asleep.  My friend sent me a text and asked if we had a lot of visitors and I said no not really.  Then Lance informed me that we had several visitors while I was sleeping!  Whoops.   At this point I feel like I have to take sleep when I can.
Some friends that are making bracelets for us girls to wear came by to see us and to measure the bracelets.  While we were talking about some of the funeral arrangements Hilary, our 3 year old,  started with her antics.  All day she has told me that she only wants dad.  Suddenly she wanted me.  So I took over the night time routine and brought her upstairs to read books.  After reading 17 books we knelt to say a prayer.  Every time when we say a prayer Hilary tells us during the prayer to pray that Tatum will gain weight, because when Tatum was little that was one of her struggles.  So Hilary has grown up hearing us pray for that so she has made us say it in every prayer for months.  So tonight as I started the prayer she started to say 'Tatum to...', and then she stopped and paused and said 'Tatum died'.  Oh my.  So then I just slunked down next to Hils and cried.  I said I miss Tatum too and Hilary smiled and said yeah.  Poor little thing.  She understands just enough to make it hard.  I am nervous for her to see Tatum at the viewing.  Hopefully she will understand that her spirit isn't in her body.  Hard stuff.
I am going to make these posts shorter once we get past this first week, and i am going to put some pictures on the next post because that just makes it funner and easier to read.