Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Believing, Mixed With Action, Equals Becoming...

Weird title?  I have always been a big believer in pulling up my bootstraps and doing, even when I didn't want to because I know that is how you get where you want and need to be.  I know that if I lay on the couch (like I want to every day) and don't shower or get dressed or don't exercise or don't participate in life that I could get stuck there or that I could potentially become that person permanently.  That is not what I want, that is not what Tatum or Trevin wants.  Or what Heavenly Father wants.  I know that they don't expect me to do everything all at once.  But I do know that by trying to see the good things and trying do do and be good that it can only help my healing, and help me become who I need to be.  The other day I was driving and thinking and I just had the thought, I have to be the best person I can be here on earth so that I can be with my sweet babies again.  I can achieve nothing less!

There was a lot of good today, even though it is hard to get out of bed every day.  It has been really hard for me to want to exercise, which is really unusual for me.  That has always been my release, my "me" time, my therapy.  I still push through but right now it is not enjoyable.  I know it will come.   Today Halea came with me and my friends.  We went walking for a bit and then to yoga and then Halea needed to do a quick speed work out for cross country so we went and did that at the track.  It felt good to extend myself a bit.  I am not walking very good tonight, but that feels good.

Then I got to go be with a little family that had a little angel baby a few weeks ago.  I went to do hand molds and pictures.  Everything was fine except that I wanted to kidnap her!  She is adorable and yummy.  I could have spent the rest of the day there, but I think they might have started to ask some questions when dinner time rolled around and i wasn't gone:)  I crave that feeling that surrounds these sweet babies that come straight from our Heavenly Father and are so elect.

When I came home from that I grabbed a little salad that Halea had made up with our first strawberries of the year from our garden!  Yummy for my tummy.

Then a few friends were going to the pool and invited me along.  I hate that I can go, but I have to.  I feel like I have now been given this time and I cannot squander it feeling sad or sorry for myself.  Don't think that I am in denial, I still cry every day I just know that my kids need me to still be their mom.  I figured if it totally wore me out I could come home and crash afterward.  Our kids need to see me still trying to find the joy in life (even though right now I don't feel a lot of it).   There are still so many great things in life, we need to make sure we are recognizing them along the way. Fresh strawberries for instance.  When we got to the pool, even before we went in, Heidi said "Mom thanks for taking us to the pool."  This was before she knew how long we could stay, if I was going to be nice, everything.  That made it worth all of the trouble to get myself off of the couch.
Hilary was not so sure about the pool at first..
Then she loved it!  I think she ended up having a lot of fun.

When we got home I went to pull out a frozen lasagna that someone had brought us, then I saw that there was a big brown bag on our counter.  As I investigated I saw that it was a meal from one of our neighbors who lives in the part of our ward that got split off about 7 years ago.  She has been so sweet. Yet another problem solved by the kindness of another.

To top off the day I was able to go down to Provo to spend a few hours with one of my dearest friends and then I came home and was able to go on a walk with two of my other really good friends.

There was just a lot of good today.  I am sure that Tatum and Trevin are smiling down on me.  I hope that they can feel my efforts.  I want to be the mommy that they want me to be.  I want my daily actions to shape me in to what I need to become.  I want all of our kids to look back on this time and see that as hard as it was there was still sunshine and light in our lives.


  1. DId you know that you are such an inspiration to ALL of us? Thanks for being so candid and real!! I love you!!! Keep that smile will have happiness behind it before you know it ;)

  2. Heather, you are doing so great- way way way better than I would be, I'm sure. I know I would stay in bed and never get are so strong- your kids (all of them) are so lucky to have you as their mommy. Keep fighting the fight! Love you!

  3. Thanks for your example. You make me want to better for my children- both here and in heaven. Much love to you and your family.