Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Monday, Monday (is it still Monday?)

Wow.  This was a humdinger of a Monday.  We had an appointment with the mortuary first thing in the morning.  I had a pit in my stomach the entire morning.  I really wanted to see Tatum, but I was nervous that he would tell me that for some reason I couldn't.  I was also nervous to see her.  I was also scared that I would try to run out the door with her.  How could I face having to leave her again?  Thus the pit in my stomach.
When we got to the mortuary we sat down and the mortician asked us if we had any questions.  I only had one, can I see her?  He smiled and said he knew I would ask and he assured me that we could see her and that she looked beautiful.  We went through all of the logistics of the arrangements, which took way longer than I thought it would take.  I wasn't super excited about the casket, but it was way better than the one that we had to use for Trevin.  After getting all of the arrangements settled for Tates we started on the arrangements for Trevin.  We had always talked about moving Trevin to wherever we ended up being buried.  I just always thought it would be when we buried Lance or I.  We are going to put Tatum and Trevin together next to where Lance and I will be.  I have had a little bit of a hard time with this because Trevin has been in his spot for 18 years, but I think that it would be so strange to have them separate.  I am slowly warming up to the idea.
We were finally done with all of the arrangements and we had our assignments.  We were ready to see our sweet Tatum.  She looked absolutely beautiful.  I was so happy.  Her face looked like a porcelain doll.  Her hair was beautiful her eyelashes were long and beautiful.  I just started touching her and feeling her.  It was so nice to feel her.  Looking at her I knew her spirit was no longer in her body, but as a mother we still love their little beautiful bodies.  It's how I know her.  I wasn't going to pick her up because sometimes their little bodies just don't feel the same.  I moved her a little bit and realized that her body was still soft and so I picked her up and I was able to sit with her for a few minutes.   I was so grateful for this beautiful time and that the mortician had taken such time with her that she looked so beautiful.  Leaving was hard, but my heart knew that her spirit was free and that her body was now at rest.
We then went to the cemetery and drove around for a bit to see what areas of the cemetery we liked.  Fun.  Then we got home and the home health man came to pick up all of Tates accessories.  It was so hard to see all of it go.  It was all really over.  Everything is still so surreal.  I still can't believe that she is really gone.  All of these things are just adding up to make this become more real.
I walked over to one of my neighbors house to pick up my kids from their end of school party.  I was able to visit with some neighbors and feel normal for a minute.  When I got home, Lance came upstairs with a dirty rag and he was a little dirty.  He said that one of our water heaters was leaking water all over our brand new lumber that we had bought to frame our basement.  Perfect!  Luckily my dad showed up shortly after and he and Lance then spent the rest of the afternoon replacing our water heater.
Hilary was throwing a fit because Lance had to leave to go buy a new water heater and so she peed her pants (which she never does).  Perfect when you have no water to give a bath.  She wouldn't come back in the house and so I waited on the front porch until she settled down and decided that she was ready to go back in the house.  We had a "wipe" bath and got some new clothes.  About 10 minutes later she came around the corner and I saw that she had smeared Cetaphil lotion in her hair, again with no water for a bath:)  Smiles everyone.  At this point I was just laughing inside and wondering when Ashtin Kucher was going to come out.  Surely we are being punked, right?
Now, of course, it was getting to be dinner time.  Luckily my good friends had come the night before and brought us some yummy salsa and chicken to use as burrito filling.  Literal lifesaver.
Hilary enjoyed the quesadilla...
Hilary insisted during the dinner prayer that we pray for Tatum to gain weight.  I am OK with it because it means that she remembers her.  I know that she misses seeing her and doing things for her, as we all do.  She tells us several times a day that Tatum died.
Our home is beautiful from all of the flowers and yummy treats that people have brought.
I was happy to put Monday to bed!  After the emotional time of getting to see Tatum, turning in her equipment, having to get a new water heater, dealing with a three year old, coupled with all of the other daily things I was pretty exhausted.
This all still feels so unreal to me.  I told Halea that I didn't like my new life.  I know that I will start to come out of this funk and we will find joy as a family again.  Right now my heart is just heavy.  Luckily we can still laugh at all of the craziness around us, we just don't have the energy to do anything about it.  That will come.

I am so grateful to know where Tatum is.  I know that she is happy and that she is reunited with our family members that have all gone before her and that have been anxiously awaiting her return to them.  I know that we will see her again.  I know that she has elevated us all to be better people while here.  I am grateful for the perspective that times like this gives you.  I know that all of the things swirling around us don't matter.  The things that matter are our family and living what we know. I want to live like the Savior wants me to.  I am thankful that for the past year Tatum has insisted that I slow down and realize what is really important.  Tuesday here we go!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Heather....I wish we were there yesterday to help! We just thought that since you had the appt. with the mortuary that we would step back and give you guys some space to deal with that. I feel like we had been smothering you guys for the two days we were all up in your face....I want to help in any way I can, any way you need- I guess I just don't know what to do. I want to take the pain away from you but I know I can't do that. Just know we are continuing to pray for you all and we are here to help with anything you need. Love you so much!