When I got home from the swim meet this morning, Lance asked what plans we had for the day. I casually mentioned that I would love to get the roses planted because I didn't want them to die on our porch. He enthusiastically said "Ok, let's do it. Show me where you want them". I had thought about this for several days, but I was still a little unsure what area of our yard would be best for them and what had enough room. I told him maybe out by the back stairs. We went out and surveyed the spot and Lance went and turned on the music that we had listened to the last few days of Tatum's life while we held her. He said that we should listen to that while we plant the pretty roses for her and Trevin. Then he began to dig the holes. There was one plant that was not a rose bush it was a Dahlia. It is sooo pretty. I thought that maybe I wanted it across from the roses so it would stand out.
The area that I wanted the rose bushes had a lot of grass growing in it, so Lance started digging it out first with the hand shovel, until he broke that, then he went to digging with his hands.
I went home to get Lance to come with me to the plumbing store. We said goodbye to my niece and her husband that had driven out from Chicago for Tatum's funeral. So sad to see them go. It is never enough time to visit. So blessed that they were able to come. They have been looking for jobs in Chicago for several months and have not found anything. Because they didn't have jobs, they were able to come out and visit with Tatum back in March and then they were able to be here for the funeral. I know this was one of Tatum's tender mercies for me. I was so grateful that they were able to be here. I know that they will find great jobs now.
When Lance and I got to the plumbing store it was 4:55 and they closed at 5:00. Just in the nick of time. Another tender mercy. Our grass is already dying because we are on severe water restrictions, so that would have been awful to have no sprinkler system for several days.
We got home and Lance fixed the sprinkler and planted the other two rose bushes. Our minnie rose garden is beautiful. I love fresh flowers, so I am so excited to be able to clip roses and remember our sweet babies all summer long.
Here is one of the roses close up and personal. This one is called peace I think.
I have been so exhausted physically and emotionally the past few days and I still had a lot of things that i needed to do. I was feeling sad and didn't want to do any of it! I was trying to figure out what HAD to be done. I put food at the top of the list. We needed food, so off to Costco I went. I was dreading a little bit because I always see people that I know and I wasn't in the mood. Rude. Sure enough as I rounded a corner there was one of the counselors in our Stake Presidency. He is one of the nicest men and he was there with his wife and his daughter. We talked for a minute and then we went on our way. OK, it was nice to talk to him and his family and I have such love and respect for our entire Stake Presidency. Then I came around another corner and saw another friend. We talked for a bit and then we went on our way. I felt a little happier after talking to her. After I got through the checkout I decided that I deserved a frozen yogurt, so I stopped at the food court. I looked over and there was our Stake President! Unbelievable. Now, he really is one of the nicest most sincere men I know and he had shared a few thoughts at Tatum's funeral and so I just love him too. He came over and we talked for a few minutes. As I was leaving Costco I just felt so loved. I know that it was my Heavenly Father's way of telling me that I am not alone in this journey. The burden is not just for me to carry. People want to help and listen and care, and say Tatum and Trevin's names. This makes my heart sing when people ask about them or say their names, or share how they have been touched by them. It is every mother's dream to think that their child has somehow made a difference in people's lives. Even people whose child dies. Maybe even more so.
When we were getting settled after dinner time I noticed that Halea hadn't made it home from work, just then I got a text from her saying that she was at the cemetery and she would be home in awhile. She had had a bad day and she just went to have some quiet. I sent her a text and said that I am grateful that we always have Tatum and Trevin to remind us to keep things in perspective. We just can't sweat the small stuff. I need to work on this the very most.
Then I was able to go on a walk myself. I passed Halea on the way to the cemetery. For the first time since the funeral I had a few minutes to really sit and contemplate that this is where both of our babes are. I am so grateful for that. I love having them close. As I sat there, though, I was so sad that I just couldn't have them back. I just want to hold them so desperately. It was hard knowing that their bodies were just below me as I sat there.
Today was a real roller coaster of emotions. I know that this is going to get more manageable, but right now it just hurts so much that my whole chest feels hallow.
I am so grateful that I was able to know what it feels like to hold these two next to me. I know that not everyone gets that. I am better because I have them in my life. I know that for a fact. They make me want to be a better mother, wife, friend, person in general. I am forever grateful for them.