Yesterday it was two weeks since Tatum died. Two weeks since we were all together. Two weeks since I got to hold her body close to mine, or smell her sweet head, or fluff her hair, or change her diaper, or give her kisses, or pump her milk, or rock her, or sing to her (she might be grateful for that one) or take a picture of her or feel her spirit fill the room, or see her eyes, or give her a bath or get her dressed, or rub her arms and legs, or put lotion on her or paint her nails. My mind keeps having flashes of her and a lot of my dreams are about her in some way. I feel very exhausted and unable to really rest, way worse than when she was alive even though now I have the opportunity to sleep or rest. I was going to write a post last night and I was sitting at a bar stool at our counter in the kitchen and I put my head down on my hands, just for a second, and I fell asleep! I thought it would be much more coherent to write this morning.
I knew that yesterday was going to be hard, so I filled my day as things came up so that I would stay busy. A few of my friends were hiking Timp Cave so I went with them early in the morning for a few hours. It was beautiful and great to get out and enjoy God's creations. It always reminds me that He is merciful and all powerful, meaning that the hard things in life are meant to happen the way they do for our benefit. He loves us and has given us this beautiful earth to enjoy and bring us happiness and joy.
When I got home I did a few things around the house and then Halea said that she was going to go on a bike ride and she wanted to know if I wanted to come. I quickly got ready and packed Hilary in the bike trailer and we were off. Luckily Lance's bike that was hooked to the trailer only has 1 working gear! And it was windy! Grrr. The actual ride was tedious but the company was great. I still don't like that I can even go and do these things without even having to think, but I cannot make Hilary suffer because of my sad feelings. Halea has been so great and sweet and tender with me and trying to help me out these past few weeks. I was really happy to be with her, even though she was way ahead of me for most of the time. When we got to one of the parks that the trail goes through she asked if I wanted to stop at the pond. I really didn't, but I said yes.
After our bike ride I walked down into our lower back yard. I don't think I had been down there in over a month. I was horrified. It has been very neglected and is quite overgrown with weeds. I got to work and spent a good hour and a half out there trying to make a dent. Our neighborhood wanted to buy us a tree for Tatum and one for Trevin to plant in our back yard. I think we have a little clean up to do before I can let anyone see that back yard! I don't feel too bad about it because it shows that I was doing what I should have been doing and that was spend my time with Tater Bug. Grateful my yard is a mess:)
Lance called me around 3 o'clock and I was just barely getting showered for the day. He called to see if I wanted to go on a bike ride when he got home! He never calls me from work, and he rarely calls to see if I want to do something. It is always me, so how could I say no. We headed out on the bike trail. This new bike trail we have by our house just got finished and it goes all the way to Provo canyon and Provo lake, so it is awesome because you don't have to worry about cars. We decided to clock how many miles to his work because he wants to ride his bike to work. It was a beautiful night, but I was tired. It was 13 miles exactly to his work. We took a little rest to get a drink and then we turned around. Then we realized that maybe we had been riding with the wind at our backs. We get hurricane force winds where we live and luckily this was one of those times. It was relentless. I got really discouraged and grumpy. I am sure I was not much fun. Lance was so patient and encouraging. It was really nice to be able to just hang out with him and talk about things that we had needed to talk about, but again I was so sad to be able to be out there and not worry about getting home to Tates. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling like that. We finally made it home and then I just hit the wall. I grabbed a shower and a sandwich and found myself dosing on the kitchen counter, so I decided I had best go to sleep.
Overall it was a good distracted day so I didn't have a lot of time to wallow in self pity, which is good. I just can't get over that it has been two weeks. In some ways it feels like an eternity since I have seen Tatum, in some ways it feels like time is standing still, but only for me. The world seems to be rushing around me and sometimes I just want to scream, "stop! don't you know that my baby died!" Luckily I know I will see her again, but that still doesn't seem to help with all of the hurt. I am taking the kids to Lake Powell tomorrow afternoon after church. Our good friends insisted that we should come with them to get away. Lance is not going to be able to come which is a bummer. I know that it will be good to get away, be with good friends, and relax and talk and enjoy another of God's creations. I don't think I will be able to post while I am there so I will catch up on Wednesday.