There have been a lot of hard things and a lot of good things about today. First of all, it was super hard to go to sleep last night. I was afraid to go to sleep for fear of waking up and then I wasn't sure where to sleep. I sat on the couch in Tatum's spot for awhile and then I finally just curled up there with a few of her blankets and dozed off around 2am. I did have weird dreams and then I had to wake up to my new reality. There was no hum of the oxygen, no lights from her feeding pump or sat machine. No reason to get up, but I did anyway because I didn't want to sleep anymore.
I decided I would go run on the treadmill for a bit because I wasn't sure I was ready to go run outside. I came up and got showered and we got ready to go to a baptism. As we were leaving I realized that I didn't need to give any instructions, or make sure I had my phone, or make sure that Tatum's feeding pump had milk, or that her diaper was dry or she was positioned right. It was a pretty sad feeling. It was nice to go and feel the spirit in a totally different setting. Baptism is such an exciting time and such a good reminder of our promises that we have made and the promises that Heavenly Father has made with us. We were able to visit for a few minutes with friends from our ward and then we went home.
I felt like I kept walking around in circles and I was a little foggy, not knowing exactly what to do. Then I cleaned my glasses! And that took a little of the fog away. Sadly not all of it, but things at least seemed a little clearer:)
Holden had been begging Lance to take him on the new bike trail by our house so he decided that he would do that. Holden, Heidi, Hilary and Lance took off to go do that. Halea left to go on a hike with a friend. I was alone. (I thought I was, in reality Hayden was upstairs, but he was busy doing whatever 15 year old boys do so I didn't even know he was home. Mother of the year goes to....) I turned on some nice music and started mulling around the living room trying to clean things up a little bit. I started cleaning up some of Tater bugs equipment that needed to be returned. It was very cathartic to clean them and wrap the chords up and put them in their bags. I had a very volatile love hate relationship with each machine. One by one we had to reluctantly agree to have each piece of equipment brought to keep her comfortable and alive. So on the one hand I loved these machines because they helped me to support and keep our sweet baby alive and at home with us. On the other hand they screamed that she had a terrible disease and she was going to die prematurely. I called the home health people to set up a time for them to come by and get the machines. The lady asked for Tatum's name and birth date. Then I told her all of the things that we were returning. She asked what the reason was that I was returning all of the equipment and if my doctor knew that I was discontinuing all of it. Before I could stop myself I blurted out, "Well she died so I think that he will be OK with us returning everything". I didn't mean to be rude (I did laugh a little after to make her not feel as uncomfortable, but I am not sure it worked) but I thought it was a stupid question. I feel like maybe I need to reach out to our corporate people and see about some sensitivity training.
We had several visitors throughout the day. It was nice to keep us preoccupied a little. We sat outside for a little bit, but I kept having little thoughts to go in and check on Tatum, and then I would have to remember all over again that she isn't there. I can't even explain that feeling. Hilary keeps telling us that Tatum misses her, but I think that translates into she misses Tatum. You know how little kids say things a little dyslexic like I need to hold you, when they really want you to hold them? That is how I translate it. She had a lot of silly tantrums today. She really is not like that at all usually so it made my heart sad for her. I think that she just doesn't know how to process what is happening around her.
I had several times where I was able to feel the spirit and enjoy the quiet time to reflect on how this whole experience has impacted mine and Lance's lives and my kids lives and countless other lives. It has certainly strengthened all of us as we have heard others tell us how much Tatum's example has helped them. I have always believed in the power of one person, but I have certainly witnessed it through her life. She accomplished amazing things, not without a price, but she certainly did it with grace and dignity. What a shining example of how all of us should be.
I haven't been positive about what to do with this blog. I have loved loved loved writing it. It has been very therapeutic. It has recorded Tatum's life with us here on earth. It has captured the essence of our family. So I think that I will keep it public and continue to write a few times a week. First I wanted to record our grieving process because there is such spiritual growth during this time and it might be helpful for others to hear some honest and actual accounts of grief. Then I really wanted to record the things that Tatum has taught us and how it is impacting our daily lives. I know that there will be so many opportunities to be thankful for the lessons we have learned from her during our everyday lives. I want to record the blessings that our family has received and will continue receiving because of all of this. A grateful journal of sorts. There won't be as many cute pictures, but I will continue to add photos and thoughts. Don't feel obligated to read because I am writing it for selfish reasons.
I also wanted to post when Tatum's funeral was so that people who would like to attend can plan accordingly. We are having a viewing on Friday June 7th from 6-8pm.
On Saturday June 8th we will have another viewing from 10:00-10:45 am followed by the family prayer. The actual funeral service will start at 11:00 am. Everything will take place at our church at 2178 North 1200 East in Lehi.