Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Hit the Wall

 It is official that I hit the wall today.  I felt like I had cement feet and that I could not get up and going, like the ground was pulling me toward it.  I just didn't feel myself today.   I put on my workout clothes and could never bring myself to do any thing.  I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I do not like feeling like this at all.  
Luckily we have had so many people bustling around us helping us get things done.  It has been so helpful.  We would never be able to finish everything.  I am really grateful that we will have a week to get everything ready.  I feel like I am in such a fog that half of the day I am walking around in circles.
A neighbor told me today that she would take on the project of a registration book, thank goodness.  I know for a fact that hers will look a million times better than anything that I could come up with.  So grateful for that.
We made it to the cemetery today to pick out our "property" (As the mortician calls it!)  We took all of the kids so that they could help us pick where we would bury our sweet babies.  (have I mentioned that we are moving Trevin from Provo to Lehi cemetery?)  One of the workers came down with us to help us find where there are any empty spaces.  We looked at a few spots and then we found "The One"!  It is just off the road so that we don't have to walk too far in and it is close to a few trees that will continue to get bigger and offer shade on hot summer days.
Here we are, the worker is kind of photo bombing in the background over Lance's shoulder?
Hilary was not nearly as enthusiastic as the others.  She doesn't understand the beauty of her parents picking their "spaces" before they die.  Paid for!
Lehi really is a pretty cemetery.

My good friend and I then went down to the print store to ask some questions about a program for the funeral.  We are getting close to figuring that out.   Then we went to Old Navy to see if we could find another Brobi doll, so we can put one in the casket with Tater bug and then we all can have our own to keep.  We were able to find 3 more!  Now we just need 3 more.
Luckily someone made us dinner tonight because it was definitely a fend for yourself night.  On the flip side, unfortunately she brought dessert and so did my other friend.  What is a girl to do?  I may need to put a lock on them.  Both delicious!  This might explain why I gained 25 lbs when Trevin was sick!  Luckily my body was already 25 lbs overweight when Tatum got sick, so my body didn't  feel the need to pack it on!
After the girls and I went to Young Womens, I came home and started to look through the pictures of Tatum for the slide show.  It is so hard to look at them because it just makes me want to smell her and kiss her and tell her that everything is OK.  Then Lance was playing the music that we were listening to when we were holding her on that last day.  I was pretty sad and teary and then I came across these:

How could this not make me smile and laugh.  Sweet little Tatum.
When I was walking home from Young Women's tonight I ran into the lady who lives across the way from us that has cancerous brain tumors.  After talking to her briefly, I feel like life is OK.  Life is way too short to be down in the dumps for too long.  This little girl sacrificed a lot to be here and stay with us and then have to leave.  She endured a very hard life in just a year.  Look at the light that is in her eyes.  That is Tatum personified.  The other day I was listening to music with Tatum and there was a song from Hilary Weeks that came on that  I hadn't heard before.  Your assignment is to go and listen to it.   It is beautiful.  The chorus says" I will sing, I will Stand, I will live my life for Him.  I pray that I will have the strength and the fortitude to live my life for Him so that I can prove worthy to live with our sweet Tatum again.


  1. Heather, I just heard the news of losing your sweet Tatum. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. She is a beautiful little girl!
    On a side note, our sweet babies are also buried in Lehi and from your pictures it looks like they are fairly close to where you have chosen. It really is a beautiful place.

  2. Tatum was a beautiful baby! Those last pictures made me smile- I see the light in her eyes, as you mentioned. Thinking of you!

  3. You never cease to amaze me Heather. I came here to read and maybe provide a word of support, but instead, I walk away being spiritually fed by your strength and love. But I am still here, still imperfect and learning, but praying my heart out for you and your family.

  4. There is so much joy in Tatum's face! This is a little girl that knew she was loved. Thank you for keeping your blog going. It is a celebration of Tatum and a testimony of eternity. -- Christina (had to use Mit's account, thus the ninja picture. gah)