Thursday, June 6, 2013

Fighting Sleep

 I have decided that I really could sleep if I wanted to, but I don't want to.  I don't like the act of waking up and so I feel like I am fighting it every night.  This used to be "my time" after everyone had gone to bed.  Now every minute of the day is "my time" and I hate it.  Right now I at least I feel like there are things that I need to still do for Tatum to make sure that Friday and Saturday are perfect celebrations of her life.  After Saturday, that's it.  I keep thinking that I won't hear her name anymore and that she will be forgotten.  I put away a few more of her things of hers that were in the laundry.  I just want to touch her clothes.   I just can't believe that this is really happening.  I have three more times that I will see my baby girl and then I will only have pictures and video.  Time is just slipping away.

The mortuary called this morning to let us know that things had gone really smooth when they were disinterring Trevins casket.  He is at the mortuary until Saturday when these two little cuties can be buried together, side by side in the same space.  I imagine that they are side by side right now.

Today was super busy.  My friend took me shopping for some clothes for the kids and Lance and myself to wear for the viewing and the funeral.   It feels so strange to be out in public.  I really just want to curl up on the couch, but I can't.  We only had one close call when a sales person asked us if we were shopping for a special occasion, i just said "sort of" and left it at that.  Luckily she did too and didn't continue until I had to inform her that I was looking for some cheery outfits for my daughters funeral.  That wouldn't have been awkward for anyone.  We also went and got her flowers.  I hope they turn out how I have them pictured in my mind.  We did pink roses and Calli lilies and greenery nothing else.  Simple and elegant.

One of my friends found the sweetest little clippie to go in her "hair".  I couldn't make her wear a bow for the eternities, but I thought maybe she could tolerate a clip!

My good friend Melanie has been sewing Tatum's dress and helping (I mean doing) with the program and slide show.   She has also been handling all of the work calls.  She has been a busy lady these past few weeks.  I ended up at her house to pick up the dress and to finish up the details of the program.  We finished really late and I feel so bad.  She has not had a lot of sleep the past few days and then I have been demanding a million things from her.  Here are the pictures of the dress:

 We aren't sure if we are going to put the flower on the shrug or not.  I kind of like it, but we will see if it seems too much once we get it on her.
This is the cute clippie that my friend found and then she added the sweet pink pearl in the middle.
Shrug without the flower?  hmmmm.
I am simply exhausted.  I think I will try and sleep for a bit before we get to go and dress Tatum this morning.  We were not given the opportunity to dress Trevin and so I am happy to get to do this for Tatum.  I can't believe that it will be the last time i will get to dress her.  I loved to get her ready for the day.  It was one of my favorite times to spend with her.  I just always thought that she must have felt better after I cleaned her all up, got her fresh blankets, fluffed her pillow, put her lotion on and clean clothes.  I just loved doing that for her.  I will miss that so much.
For the most part I have felt better today.  I know that we will have peaks and valleys in our grief.  I know that I feel great relief for her and that is helpful.  I think that Heavenly Father knew that my mind would need to know that she was relieved from her sick body.  Otherwise I would have had a hard time accepting that she was better off somewhere else other than with me:)


  1. "This is the last time I will..." is hard. I'm sorry you have to go through it again. You will make it through. You have so much support around you here on earth and in Heaven. We love you.

  2. The dress is PERFECT!! So simple, so beautiful! It is going to be a wonderful celebration of sweet Tatums life this weekend....May the Lord be with you!!