In the morning I decided to get out and weed the flower beds in the front yard. On the day that we brought Tatum to the hospital the last time I was able to quickly plant flowers before everything hit the fan. When I see how they are growing it is bitter sweet. I struggle a little bit that I spent the hour and a half out there planting them while she was getting sick. I checked on her several times, and she was just sleeping, but it is just a mommy guilt. A few hours after I came in from the yard that day, I just had a feeling that we should bring her up to Primary Childrens, I called our GI doctor and we went up. There were a few symptoms that were concerning, but all the way up I still felt like they would just send us home. Little did I know that she was in serious trouble. I know that I can't beat myself up about it, but it is just hard. It felt good to get out and work in the dirt a little today. Sometimes it is nice to just be outside where it is peaceful.
I had planned to go and do a few little work things today with my friend that works with me. As I was getting ready I remembered that I should bring back the pump. The other day Hilary had tried to drag it back into our bathroom where I used to have it. She said, "Tatum's milk". Ouch. I knew it would be hard to return, it was the last of Tate's equipment. I was really glad to have my friend along to help me. When we went in I was nervous because the lady that works the front desk used to work at the hospital and so she knows me enough to ask questions. All was going well til the very end. She asked "Oh did you have a boy or a girl?" I answered "Oh a little girl". And that was it. Relief. What a tender mercy. I really didn't want to have to tell her that I had been pumping milk for the past 6 months because my baby had lost her ability to swallow and that she had just died. That seems like a terrible conversation all around! So grateful that I was able to do that for my sweet Tater bug and that our pediatrician was so encouraging that it was the best food she could be given. What a little blessing that my body had cooperated for all of those months of pure stress. A gift from heaven for sure.
We went on to do a few other errands and then we went to the hospital. We only saw a few people that I work with regularly. It was nice to see them. I feel like I need to get my face out there so that people can see that I am trying to function a little bit. It felt nice and weird to be back there. I wished desperately that I was downstairs on Pediatrics hanging out with Tates taking pictures of her hanging out in her "Don't Bug Me" jammies. Does anyone miss those pictures as much as I do? What I wouldn't give for a little squeeze of that girl.
Tonight our young women's activity was down at the fire station to help the girls do their CPR certification. One of the firemen that was doing the CPR presentation was the one that drove down to the hospital with me when Hilary had her Febrile Seizure. I remember how terrifying that was. Funny how your perception changes in just a short year.
Overall it was a fine day. I only cried a few times. I don't expect these things to stop completely any time soon. I am trying to go easy on myself. I can already feel some improvements, I mean I left the house! Sometimes when I don't feel like talking to someone or smiling or getting dressed I just do anyway. I know that doing things that I don't necessarily want to will help. I am a big believer that what you do is what you become. If I smile, I believe that one day the joy behind the smile will return. If I go out and do things for others and forget about myself a little that the pain will decrease and my problem will feel light.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that Tatum and Trevin are in a state of paradise and no longer suffer with disease and we will see them again. It is a relief to know that as a mother. I am grateful for a Savior who set the supreme example of enduring to the end and pure love for our Heavenly Father and for us. I long for the day when I can bow before him and thank him for His incredible mercy toward me and my family.
Heather, you really should publish a book. All of the feelings you have expressed and the insights you have are so real to so many (as you know through your work). I read your blog and think, "ah, that's exactly how it felt!" you are able to say in words what so many of us have felt, but couldn't find the right words to express. It is therapeutic for me to read it and feel understood and like I'm not alone in grief because you get it! You are so incredible and I'm grateful for you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am grateful for you, Heather! You are such a great example of what living with the pure love of Christ is. I agree that you should write a book. You are very gifted with the way you can express your thoughts. Love you! Oh, and we had no idea Hiliary had a Febrile Seizure....when did that happen? I hate living far away! Hopefully that will change soon! Praying for you and the family for help finding your new normal and being able to keep on chugging even when you don't want to or dont feel like you can. <3
ReplyDeleteI love the stupid comments. Although at times they would make me cry, in the beginning, but, most of the time, I would just have to laugh. Just about anytime I tell someone about Lilly and Ryker, I get the "well how lucky are you" comment. I just smile, and silently think "well yes, it's true, we are lucky in the way that my children no longer suffer the physical/emotional pains of this earth, but that leaves us to grieve and miss them." I know they are in a "better" place, but that does not mean I do not wish each and every day to hold them in my arms, and wish for "one more day." I will be wishing for one more day for all of my earlthy existence.
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