Today I had a lot of things on my "to do" list, but I have tried to be lenient with myself when I accomplish nothing. It still feels like we have cement blocks on our feet. My energy level is just low. I know that is normal, but it is so not me that I have a hard time accepting it.
In the morning I decided to get out and weed the flower beds in the front yard. On the day that we brought Tatum to the hospital the last time I was able to quickly plant flowers before everything hit the fan. When I see how they are growing it is bitter sweet. I struggle a little bit that I spent the hour and a half out there planting them while she was getting sick. I checked on her several times, and she was just sleeping, but it is just a mommy guilt. A few hours after I came in from the yard that day, I just had a feeling that we should bring her up to Primary Childrens, I called our GI doctor and we went up. There were a few symptoms that were concerning, but all the way up I still felt like they would just send us home. Little did I know that she was in serious trouble. I know that I can't beat myself up about it, but it is just hard. It felt good to get out and work in the dirt a little today. Sometimes it is nice to just be outside where it is peaceful.
I had planned to go and do a few little work things today with my friend that works with me. As I was getting ready I remembered that I should bring back the pump. The other day Hilary had tried to drag it back into our bathroom where I used to have it. She said, "Tatum's milk". Ouch. I knew it would be hard to return, it was the last of Tate's equipment. I was really glad to have my friend along to help me. When we went in I was nervous because the lady that works the front desk used to work at the hospital and so she knows me enough to ask questions. All was going well til the very end. She asked "Oh did you have a boy or a girl?" I answered "Oh a little girl". And that was it. Relief. What a tender mercy. I really didn't want to have to tell her that I had been pumping milk for the past 6 months because my baby had lost her ability to swallow and that she had just died. That seems like a terrible conversation all around! So grateful that I was able to do that for my sweet Tater bug and that our pediatrician was so encouraging that it was the best food she could be given. What a little blessing that my body had cooperated for all of those months of pure stress. A gift from heaven for sure.
We went on to do a few other errands and then we went to the hospital. We only saw a few people that I work with regularly. It was nice to see them. I feel like I need to get my face out there so that people can see that I am trying to function a little bit. It felt nice and weird to be back there. I wished desperately that I was downstairs on Pediatrics hanging out with Tates taking pictures of her hanging out in her "Don't Bug Me" jammies. Does anyone miss those pictures as much as I do? What I wouldn't give for a little squeeze of that girl.
Tonight our young women's activity was down at the fire station to help the girls do their CPR certification. One of the firemen that was doing the CPR presentation was the one that drove down to the hospital with me when Hilary had her Febrile Seizure. I remember how terrifying that was. Funny how your perception changes in just a short year.
Overall it was a fine day. I only cried a few times. I don't expect these things to stop completely any time soon. I am trying to go easy on myself. I can already feel some improvements, I mean I left the house! Sometimes when I don't feel like talking to someone or smiling or getting dressed I just do anyway. I know that doing things that I don't necessarily want to will help. I am a big believer that what you do is what you become. If I smile, I believe that one day the joy behind the smile will return. If I go out and do things for others and forget about myself a little that the pain will decrease and my problem will feel light.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that Tatum and Trevin are in a state of paradise and no longer suffer with disease and we will see them again. It is a relief to know that as a mother. I am grateful for a Savior who set the supreme example of enduring to the end and pure love for our Heavenly Father and for us. I long for the day when I can bow before him and thank him for His incredible mercy toward me and my family.