I know that it is true that we are supposed to do our best and then the Savior will fill in the rest. I have know this for over 20 years, and yet it is hard to hand over the control of our lives and emotions. There is a song that plays a lot on the Sounds of the Sabbath that says something like take my yoke for my burden is light, and I will give you rest. Something like that. It always makes me cry (although everything makes me cry) because I know that is all I have to do. I know and I feel the Savior near, aching with and for me. I also know that there are way worse things out there. The knowledge of these things just doesn't seem to take away the pain. I am sure it is because it isn't supposed to "take away the pain". We are here to grow and I know that only happens through hard things. Do you all feel like my therapist's? When I ran into our Stake President yesterday he asked me if I talk to myself as if I were counseling myself. The answer is yes. I allow myself to be sad in spurts, and then I begin the self talk. There are worse things out there Heather. (are there really?) You are so lucky that you were able to have an entire year and 8 days with Tatum, not everyone gets that (well I wanted more time!). She is so relieved to be free of her body that caused her pain. (I liked her cute little body). You see how it is in my head? Crazy sometimes. It is just how I process it all.
My brain felt like it was on hyper speed flash back mode today. I keep reliving the entire month of May. It was like May began and it was one thing after another. I just kept saying if I can just get Tatum's g-tube switched and her home and happy then we could settle in and maybe have an entire summer with our sweet Tater bug. I wanted to take her on walks and show her things. I wanted people to see her and spend time around her because she was such a powerful presence. May was just one hard thing after another for her, we just couldn't stay on top of her issues. As her mother I just keep going over and over what I could have done differently. My mind will not accept that she is not coming back and that is so hard. I want to get to the part where I only feel joy when I think of her, not yearning. I yearn for Trevin, but I know that time has made it more bearable somehow. I feel such joy when I think of our time with him. I hope for that day of peace again.
I hope that when people read this that they are surprised at how I am feeling. I am trying to be as "normal" as I can right now. I still laugh and joke and smile and do all of the regular things that I need to. We went and visited with Lance's nephew and their family as they are passing through on their way to California. We played cards and laughed, even though I really didn't want to. I make that choice because I know that if I laid on my bed like I want to that I would never get up again. I have 5 beautiful children here on earth with me that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be, along with Lance, guardian over. I take that very serious and so I choose to put on a happy face until I really do feel happy inside again. Because I love my kids and Lance and I love my Heavenly Father I choose to keep trying.
Today we arrived at church and the bench where we normally sit was full so we moved to the other side of the chapel, which felt weird. I was a little grumpy about it which isn't like me. Usually this wouldn't have even phased me. I feel super sensitive to any "change" in routine right now. Then I was watching Hayden smile at this little baby across the aisle from us. He smiled at me and said "Babies love me". He is right. Some days Tatum would only smile for Hayden. It would frustrate me, but also make me smile! He needed that connection right now in his selfish little 15 year old life. As I watched him today, it made me so sad for him and I just wondered how he must be hurting too. How we are missing our sweet little girl.
A bright spot in our day today was that Halea got called to be on the Seminary council. They only choose one girl and one boy from each stake. What a great honor for her to be a part of that. So proud and happy for her to be able to do that. Tonight she was telling me that they were talking about a certain scripture in her missionary prep class that she really loved. It was Mosiah 3:19. I think that the last time we talked about it I wrote about it in the blog. Tonight she was showing me that she had written Tatum's name next to the scripture and then wrote that these were the attributes that she wanted to gain while here in her probationary state on earth. Doesn't get any better than that. What a blessing these awesome kids are in my life. Grateful that Tatum lives on through them.
I know that all will be complete if I just put my trust in the Savior. I know that we can do hard things!