Yesterday I was cleaning out under all of our couch cushions looking for the remote to our TV that we haven't been able to watch for a week and a half because we have lost the remote! When I flipped up Tates couch cushion I found one of the caps to her IV antibiotics. It made my heart skip. Flash back engaged. Why had we not been able to get her better? Not cured, but better to have a little more time. I just miss her so much and I was so looking forward to summer when I didn't have so many demands with the kids. So I could really sit with her and enjoy time with her more. With the stifling heat we have had these past few days it would have been the perfect time to just spend inside holding her. Darn remote, darn cap!
On Friday and Saturday Holden and Heidi were able to participate in the Lehi parade. Our ward had done a float and so I took them on Friday night and then on Saturday I decided that I would take Hilary and we would watch the parade together. Remember how she is 3? She was not as interested in the parade as she was the slide and swings that were right behind the parade route:) I was able to convince her to stay for a little bit of the parade and then I caved and we walked to the park to swing. I feel so physically tired that it is really hard for me to want to get out of bed and face the day, much less try to be a regular mom and make dinner and do fun things. I am trying really hard to do the activities that I should be doing and the ones that now we can as a family because we don't have a sick baby. Every time we get to just walk out the door it is heartbreaking to me.
On Saturday night Lance and I decided to go and see a family in our neighborhood that the husband is in a rehab center for a surgery that he had to have due to an accident. They made a comment while we were there that they were grateful for us taking time to visit them during this hard time in our lives. I feel like these are the things that we can do to make all of our extra time most valuable. I want to serve and do things for other people because we can now and because we have been so blessed by so many. The only way we can possibly try to repay all of the acts of kindness is to try and do nice things for others. It is when I feel best.
After visiting for a bit we went to grab some dinner. There seemed to be cute little babies everywhere. Even Lance noticed. It is such a weird feeling to know that we will never have another baby and that our time with Tatum is just abruptly over. It isn't like I feel jealous or that I want another persons baby, I just want our baby. I have held a few other people's babies and it just feels weird because you had to hold Tatum differently than you hold other babies, especially babies her own age. She was more like holding a bigger newborn. She felt so perfect in my arms. It is just strange to think about how our lives are just so different without her.
On our way home Lance and I were talking about the changes in our lives since Tatum died. He said that there is a sense of relief on his part since now he no longer worries about her suffering. During the last four months when he was at work and got a call from home, he would fear that it was bad news about Tatum. Now that sick feeling associated with a call from home is gone. For me it seems like a large part of my existence has just disappeared. There is such a bond and such a pull to care for her from day one that to have that gone is so hard. I told him that I feel like I really need to concentrate on dwelling in the present and not the past. I certainly feel such a pull to the past. I think of her every second right now. I know that will subside. I need to dwell on the beautiful things of the present that I have been so blessed with. A great husband and father to our children and 5 other beautiful kids that need me to be here. I can't believe a month has passed. I know that we did things during that time, but I could not tell you exactly what. I want to feel the joy of life again. And I will, because I choose to. Time.