During the 13 years that I have worked at the hospital I have talked to a lot of people about loss and grieving. It is always interesting to hear people who are grieving state what they would like and to hear what people who are trying to help the grieving state what they think they should do to help. It rarely aligns. I think that peoples perceptions have improved over the years, but it is still almost always an uncomfortable situation for people. Which I get, I am still uncomfortable when I first start talking to people, but maybe I just oddly like that feeling.
We had a situation at the hospital yesterday that I needed to go in for. The hospital called and I wasn't quite ready for the day and so I jumped in the shower. It is always a weird feeling to me that I can just go to the hospital almost without thinking because there is almost always someone home to watch Hilary. It is just another reminder that my life with Tatum is over and it always makes me sad that things are "easier". Well, luckily Hilary had climbed into our bed around 5:00 that morning and so when I got out of the shower and she came into the bathroom crying for Dad, I was suspicious. Well he had gone to work so I asked why she was crying. Then I saw that her pants were wet. She has only peed her bed like twice. Yesterday, she peed mine!! Thankfully she gave me a little taste that things aren't really "easy", just different. Thanks Hilary. I had to strip a bed and give her a bath quick before I could actually get out the door:) Just like old times.
The couple that had lost their baby was super sweet and appreciative of anything that we were able to do for them. I know that people think that I am a little crazy for going back to this rather quickly, but I think that it keeps things in perspective for me. I know that I was able to have a full year (and 8 days) with Tatum and a year and a half with Trevin that this family did not get. I am forever grateful for that. So when I am in the depths of despair, I think of these things.
While I was on the Labor and Delivery floor I went into one of our supply rooms and saw that they still had Tatum's funeral program up on the bulletin board. It made me smile that they would still have it up. In the next breath I knew that it would eventually come down. Life has to move on for everyone, and that is just how it goes. It just makes me happy whenever someone remembers. Those reminders of her life are happy things to me, not sad memories. I think some people that haven't lost a child don't realize that to hear their name or see pictures of them or hear people share a memory is like music to most parents ears. i say most, because some people do want to just close that chapter of their lives and forget. Tatum and Trevin are forever part of our family and so we love to hear people ask or talk about them.
Last night Lance was getting something out of our basement and Hilary found Trevin's bike helmet. It is one of those big baby ones and it used to be white, but it is now yellow. I couldn't get rid of it. I had good memories of him riding on his little bike seat behind me. That little helmet would bounce off of my back because he would usually fall asleep when we were riding. I can remember it like it was yesterday and yet it seems like an eternity ago. Hilary was so excited to wear the helmet, but she got very angry when I tried to get a picture of her. Little stinker! I will try to post a picture later.
A few days ago Hilary had found a little bubble set that someone had brought over for her and Tatum. We just hadn't opened them. There was a little yellow bubble blower and a blue container that was the bubble refill. Hilary said the yellow bubbles were for Tatum and the blue bubbles were for Trevin. I love that she is still engaged in remembering Tatum and it has certainly made Trevin more real for her. I hope that we are able to help her remember her special time here with Tatum. My heart breaks that she won't have that sweet little sister to keep her grounded.
Yesterday I was going to Costco and to Walmart. In the past few weeks I have just been running by myself and having the kids stay home with Hilary. Yesterday I brought the kids that were home to Costco with me. It was nice to have them with me. Holden was the only boy because Hayden was at a friends house. The checker said something about him being the only boy. Then she asked if he was the only boy. I said no, but didn't want to go into details, obviously. I just feel bad for the kids because those can be awkward times. They have always handled themselves well, though. They will be explaining for the rest of their lives, but sometimes those situations open up great conversations and possibly missionary opportunities. You just never know what a conversation can lead to. Hearts can be touched by their life experiences with their siblings and what they have been through. We came home and dropped off Costco and I was going to run to Walmart by myself, but Hilary said that she wanted to come with me. She was so good, even when I ran into a friend from the hospital and we stood and talked for quite some time because she is going through a really hard time too. A lot of the emotions from very different situations seem to be very similar. It is interesting.
I am always happy for the sweet reminders of Tatum and Trevin. That is something that I have found so neat is that through Tatum, others that didn't get to know Trevin feel like they do now.
Yesterday I started feeling a little dreadful about the upcoming holidays. We are getting ready to do a lot of traditions that Tatum was there for last year. The first of which was our hike to the Y, but she was still alive during that. The first biggie is going to be the 4th of July. We have always gone to the ward breakfast and then we head down to our good friends that live right off of Center street in Provo and watch the parade and have lunch and visit. I have known both of their extended families forever and just love all of them. It is just going to be hard to be one less. It is going to be hard to start making new memories without her. Thus the Brobie guy still sits in our car:) It feels like we are able to bring a visible part of her with us. She and Trevin are always a part of our hearts, it just feels better when it is visible. Crazy.
Big accomplishment for yesterday, I made dinner! One of our neighbors had us over for dinner on Sunday and they insisted on us bringing leftovers home. So between leftovers from yesterday and Sunday I might make it to Thursday and only have to cook once. Fabulous. I never liked cooking before, now I detest it. Hopefully that will improve, for Lance's sake.