Sunday, July 7, 2013

5 Weeks

Yesterday was 5 weeks since we handed our sweet baby back to the hands of her Father in Heaven.  I am not sure how our hearts are still beating.  People ask how we are doing and I am not sure how to respond sometimes.  Really we are doing fine, with the exception of my heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to cook or clean, or get ready for the day, or focus on anything, or have fun or go anywhere, I still have baby weight to loose, I am exhausted.  The list goes on and on.  I am still doing all of the things that I have no desire or energy to do, and I don't want ten people to show up on my door tomorrow because they think that I have lost it or that I am not functioning.  I am functioning for the most part.  I just don't want to be?  I know that this doesn't sound logical, but I am trying to be honest so maybe people can understand how crazy grieving can make you feel and so I have a record of my feelings during this time.  Hopefully I will look at this in a year and be grateful for how far we have all come.  That is my Hope.
Friday was not my best mom day I have ever had so I decided not to write on that day.  I had a few hard times with the teenagers.  People ask how they are doing and I am also not sure how to respond to that question.  I think they are doing alright.  We try to keep open dialogue about what is going on, but sometimes it is hard to decipher whether they are grieving and acting out, or just being teenagers?  Hard to know.  Sometimes I wonder how they can be so mean, but I think that I am just like a walking open wound right now.  You need really thick skin to parent teenagers, and right now I just don't have it.  I need to not take things so personally.  That is just hard right now because I feel very vulnerable and wounded.  After a hard morning with them I did take the opportunity to go and visit with some people that have been on my list to see, so that was a positive.  I was grateful that I had time to do that.  Saturday has been a much better day with the teenagers, maybe because I was gone.  We all needed a little break from each other maybe.

Heidi and I had to be up at 5:00am to get to her swim meet this morning.  This is the first meet she has been able to attend for all of the craziness that has been going on in our life.  I was a little nervous for her because she hadn't competed.  I just wanted her to do well so she would feel good about herself and the work that she has put in at her practices.  She did two races, the backstroke and the breast stroke.  She ended up 2nd in one of her races and 3rd in another.  She was right there with the rest of the girls her age.  Relief.  So proud of her and her diligence in getting up every morning at 6:30am to go to practice.  It paid off.  Phew.

The swim meet ended earlier than we had planned so my friend and I decided to take our girls to a few stores on the way home.  It was fun to have some time with Heidi.  I still feel anxious if I am away from home for long, but then I have to remind myself that it's OK now.  I was asking my friend if she remembered what I said to her when I called her after Tatum had her big seizure.  I can't even remember a lot of that time.  It feel like 10 years ago to me and it has only been 5 months.  I feel really bad for all of the people that we had to call and tell them what was happening.  How surreal for them too.  What a devastating call to receive from someone you love.
 When we got home Heidi and I were able to take a little nap.  When I woke up I talked myself into cleaning a few bathrooms and doing the laundry.  The fun never stops here.  Actually when I do those "normal" things it does feel good.  It makes me feel a little bit like my old self, cause I used to have a clean house:)  I have to wait until I have the energy to do "normal" things and so I feel like my house is not the way I like it to be.  I have also learned that it really doesn't matter in the big picture if my house is spotless.  I know that I feel better if my house is "tidy", but I know that I am not judged eternally on it.  That is a great lesson learned.

In the evening Heidi and I went to a few more stores.  One of the stores we passed the baby section and then the maternity section and there were babies everywhere.  There was a baby crying and Heidi said "oh a little baby".  They must miss Tatum too.  I just had a little pit in my stomach.  How I miss all of the baby things.  I miss changing diapers and snuggling with a freshly changed baby.  I miss pushing the stroller and looking at her and trying to get her to smile.  While we were out we saw a man using crutches because he was missing one of his legs.  We are all doing hard things.  Everyone of us, just different situations.

I was called to the ER at the hospital tonight to go meet with a family that lost their little baby rather  unexpectedly.    They are not from the United States and so they had no family to call, so they called their Pediatrician.  He was there with them for several hours and was so sweet.  I couldn't believe that there was another pediatrician out there that would do that besides my own.  It was amazing to watch him with them.  Very tender.   To watch this mother hand over her sweet baby and to listen to her wail, was heart wrenching.  I wish that our minds and hearts could be opened and we could see the rest of the "big picture" right at that moment so the separation could be less painful.  That pain is just indescribable.  My heart just broke for them.  
Any time I am at the hospital I wish that I could be there with Tates.  I always felt very safe there.  I knew my pediatrician was a phone call away and I was surrounded with co workers who love us.  And I was only an elevator ride away from the best Oreo shake in the state.  I also could give undivided attention to Tater bug.  That was priceless.  I always brought things to do while I was there, but seldom got to any of them.  I would spend almost all of my time fussing over her and holding her.  Those times are precious to me.  Good memories.


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