Seriously, how are people so thoughtful and kind and creative? I feel like I inherited none of that. I try to be kind, but the creative and naturally thoughtful thing are not my skill sets. It is so frustrating that I don't have that. I am going to visit someone and I was racking my brain trying to think of something sweet and thoughtful to bring and all I could come up with is bread!!! After all of the amazing things and crazy creative ways that people have shown us how much they love us. Why is it so hard for me and seemingly so easy for others? I wish I were better. I am going to try to be better.
One of my friends came by to see our amazing painting and she got teary seeing it. It is like that! My friends that came last night said that it was so bright and almost cheerful. It depicts the hope of the resurrection through it's brightness of color. It is so true.
One of my counselors from Young Women and myself loaded up my van with girls and brought them to the Draper Temple today. Again, trying to make the best out of being stuck with a twelve passenger van that we don't necessarily need anymore. Bright side: I was the only leader that needed to drive today. Everyone fit in my single car:) Bonus. It took a long time at the Temple, but it was nice to have time to sit and ponder and read. When we first got inside the Temple I noticed that the necklace I was wearing had fallen off. It wasn't anywhere around me and it wasn't in my shirt. I was sure that it was in my car or I had dropped it on the sidewalk on the way into the Temple. I decided not to panic even though it was one of the beautiful necklaces that one of my friends had given me after Tatum died. As we were walking out I asked the girls to look on the ground on their way back to the car while I went into the Temple entrance to see if anyone had turned it in. No one had turned it in so I started walking back to the car. The girls were yelling from the car "we found it". Yay. When I got to the car my friend said that the girls had said a prayer, and voila. What examples of faith these sweet girls are. I was so relieved.
Last week one of my friends that I made through our Angel Watch program at the hospital called and asked if she could come by and visit. I was excited to have her visit. She has twin girls that were born 4 years ago. One of them was diagnosed inutero with a brain anomaly that the doctors said would absolutely be fatal. Well she is now 4! She has special needs, but she is here and is adorable. What a gift. Well her mom thought that I could use some time holding her because she has similar tone to Tatum so she thought that it would fill my arms even for just a moment. See what I mean about how thoughtful people are. We visited for awhile and it was so awesome to be around this sweet little angel. I just loved the idea of what amazing bond these two little girls must have had in the pre existence and now here on earth and then on in to Heaven. I wish that Hilary would have been able to have a little more time here with Tates, but I know that Tater bug will have a special eye on Hilary. That girl may need it! Toward the end of their visit my friend asked if I wanted to hold her little girl. YES! She weighed 24 more pounds than Tatum, but her tone and they way she held her head was very similar to Tates. She has more head control, but she is so smiley and sweet.
Oh, I can't believe that I will never hold Tatum that way again. Even when I see her again, her body will be different. As horrible as her body was, it was her and so I will miss that part of her no matter what. What I wouldn't give to have her here again. I have listened to that song by Diamond Rio "One More Day" about a million times. It talks about having one more day together. What i wouldn't give, but how would I ever give her up again? You could not pay me enough to start this process all over again. It is a horrible feeling to think that I just have to keep moving forward and not look back. It feels like I am just moving farther away from her. I know that isn't true, but every day that passes feels a little farther away from her and I hate it.
Today Halea was trying to decide when to get her senior pictures taken. We decided April ish because that would also encompass her 18th birthday. Then I stupidly said "We could maybe do family pictures then too" NOPE! I don't think I will be able to do that for a very long time. I don't know how I will bring myself to it. I am having a hard enough time making myself take snapshot pictures to document what we are doing. I don't even like pictures anymore because she isn't in them. Who is my favorite? Just kidding. It might be easier if Hilary would cooperate even a little cause she is adorable. but no.
Tonight I went to visit a family that just barely lost their beautiful baby. It is so hard because it is still so raw for them and they just want to hold her again. It was breaking my heart because I know the journey they are on and that it is going to be some time before it gets any better. But the good news is that it can get a little bit better. Where is my magic wand?! I am grateful for the amazing experiences that I am allowed to be a part of through this amazing work I get to do at the hospitals. I am very lucky. It truly has helped me to heal.
When I got back from my visit this was on my counter.