Friday, July 26, 2013

Pin Wheels...

I have been looking for pin wheels for about 5 weeks.  Lance and I finally found some at a party store.  We  went to a few dollar stores beforehand and had no success.  Then we went to the party store and the girl said that they had a big bucket of them back by the summer items.  When we went to get them there was only one left.  Apparently a lady had come in a few days before and bought them for a funeral.  That was an interesting idea.  I was grateful that she forgot to buy the last one!  Tender mercy.  The clerk then said that they had some littler pin wheels so we went and looked at those and bought some of those too.  I don't like them as well because they don't spin super good.  When we got to the front the clerk asked why we were buying them.  Hmm.  I told her that they were for the cemetery.  She smiled and said something like "that's cool".  Well maybe it's cool, unless it's your babies that you're putting them out for.  I didn't say the last part I just smiled.  I am good at this.

When Lance and I got to the car I told him that I had an epiphany and that I was never going to say that we had 5 children ever again.  I knew that he would be uncomfortable with that.  He never wants to make other people feel weird or to get into a conversation that is uncomfortable.  I told him that he can say whatever he wants, but I am never saying 5 again.  We have 7.  He started quizzing me about different situations that would come up and I would answer him with something really blunt.  He would rather die than say some of the answers.  I don't want to say them either, but I just have to acknowledge them in our family and that is that.   The silly conversations that I get into make for great material for the group that I do at the hospital for families that have lost babies.  It seems like  every month I have a new story about just this question.  Now I am sure I will have one every week.

It's driving me crazy that we don't have their headstone, so it makes me feel a  little better when there is something out for them.  I have always loved to put pinwheels out for Trevin.  When I find some I am buying a hundred of them.  I have never had such a hard time finding a silly pin wheel.  I was grateful that there was at least one left.

Two of my friends that work up in the Salt Lake area for Angel Watch came down to visit yesterday.  There was a little mix up and they didn't find out that Tatum had died until about 2 weeks ago.  Whoops.  I realized it shortly after her funeral and I felt awful.  It was so hard to remember who to notify and as time goes on it gets harder and harder to do.  There are still a few people that I haven't talked to.  Those are going to be rough calls.  It was nice of them to come down and visit and listen to me talk about Tatum and our experience.  It is always nice to talk about her.  It makes her feel real and like her life mattered.  I know her life mattered, it is just validating I guess.

Yesterday I realized that my iPad was missing:)  I couldn't remember seeing it since I brought it to church.  We looked everywhere in the house.  Every once in awhile Hilary or Holden will bring it upstairs, totally against the rules I might add.  I was starting to get a little worried.  I went and looked a few places in the church but did not find it.  I said a little prayer and tried not to worry.   There was one more place that we could look in the church but I needed a different key so I figured I would go and do that later when I got home from going to the hospital.  I really didn't feel as panicked as I thought I should be.  I think that I am realizing that those things just don't matter as much.  I would be really sad if it was lost, but it can be replaced if it had to be.  I just was hopeful that if someone had stole it that when they opened up our pictures and saw all of our sweet kids and then sweet little Tatum and her feeding tube and her oxygen that they would maybe dig deep and do the right thing!  Or that they would get there punishment later (that was the evil side of me).
Well, when Lance was putting Hilary to bed last night she climbed into her bed and out came the iPad!  Silly girl.  Prayer answered.   I probably need to keep better track of my iPad:)

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