Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tatum Lesson: Patience

I sometimes feel overwhelmed at all of the "things" that I feel like I need to be doing.  I want to sit down and work on "Thank you's" to so many people.  I know that they are not waiting or expecting them.  I just really want to do them.  I am trying to be patient with myself.  I just don't have the focus or the drive at this time to accomplish half of what I used to in a day.  I know that too will come back (hopefully) with the rest of the things that are missing in me right now.

I have also had several people on my list that I need to call and let them know what happened with Tatum.  They are those long time friends that you may only talk to every 6 months or so.  Well, a lot has happened in the past six months and so I feel like it is all about to hit the fan if I don't start making some phone calls.  I would feel awful if they found out from some one other than myself.  Again, trying to be patient with myself and my abilities, well I wasn't quite fast enough with one friend.  Yesterday as I was descending from our hike up to the Timp Cave I spotted an old college roommate of Lance's.  He was such a great friend and we have kept in touch with him over the years with Christmas cards and occasional phone calls.  In the past several years he became a pediatrician and is in the same group as mine and  because of that I run into him at the hospital on occasion.   We haven't talked for awhile so naturally the first question he asked was where was my baby?  I told him that Tatum had been diagnosed with the same disease that Trevin had and that she had died just 6 weeks before.  Sorry to ruin your hike!  We talked for a few more minutes and I grabbed his cell phone and we both went our ways.  I sent him a text so that he could catch up by reading the blog if he wanted to.  I woke up inspired to put the rest of the phone calls on the higher priority list.  Our day was a little crazy today so before I could make any calls another one came in from a co worker.  Again I felt pretty bad that I hadn't contacted her, but those last few weeks with Tates were so crazy and the week after she died was really hectic and crazy.  She felt bad that she hadn't called earlier, I assured her that I knew she cared.  It's just life.  Tomorrow I must get busy!  No more patience where this is concerned:)

Yesterday I took Hayden to the DMV to take his test to get his drivers permit.  I can feel our bank account being drained directly into our insurance agents account.  Talk about patience.  I am going to need a lot of patience the next 6 months.  Hayden is sure he is going to be a great driver, better than Halea he says.  Heaven help us all.
We decided to go up to the new City Creek mall in Salt Lake to do a little school shopping this afternoon.  Nothing funner than shopping with 2 teenagers a 9 year old and a 3 year old.  Neither Holden or Hilary wanted to be there, so we were off to a great start.  Patience.  At  the first store we went to I took Hilary to look at some things for her and Heidi.  I was showing Hilary some shirts to see if she liked any of them.  (oddly enough she has quite an opinion about what she wears! Fun times)  She would say no or yes and then she pointed to this one shirt and kept insisting that Tatum needed it.  Uh oh, please don't make mommy cry in H & M.  I was fine.  It just makes me wonder what is going on in her sweet little head.  Feelings that she just doesn't know quite how to process.  I really wish that I could be buying that shirt for Tater bug too.  While we were standing in line Hilary spotted a cute little umbrella (brumbella as she calls it).  Of course we ended up with it.  How can you deny this:

Tatum is such an example of pure patience.  Even in the pre existence she must have exhibited such strength and understanding as she waited for her turn to come and claim her beautiful earthly body.  To wait to be last must be hard, but I really stretched out the wait taking my time getting her here.  I was so sure that we were done having kids after Holden.  She and Hilary must have sighed horribly as they watched the years go by waiting for me to act on the feelings that I was having.  Such patience.  Then when she finally arrived and her crazy mother was dragging her everywhere, she must have been exhausted.  She was always so patient as I hiked the "Y" when she was 5 days old, when she went on the Pioneer Trek when she was about 5 weeks old and then to girls camp when she was about 8 weeks old. I am so grateful for those times that she was patient with me and my craziness.  I just could not leave her, ever.  I am so thankful that I didn't  have to leave her, that people were also patient with me and bent some rules so that I could fulfill my callings and be with her.  I am positive that my spirit somehow knew that my time with her was short.  My need and desire to be with her always was stronger than I had ever felt with my other kids.  She just came with me.  Patient sweet heart.
Once Tatum got sick, her patience was ever so evident.  You could feel it and see it in her eyes.  After her big seizure on February 12th she could not so much as move her arms or her legs.  She could not sit up or even hold up her head.  She couldn't hold things.  Shortly after her seizure she couldn't even eat anything orally.  She could use her eyes.  That was it.   Even when I knew she didn't feel good or she was in pain, she tried so hard to be patient.  It is hard to describe unless you could be around her.  It was as if she was trying to tell us to be calm, enjoy this time, I am OK, this is how it is supposed to be, I love you, You'll be OK, be patient.  A desperately needed lesson.   Such a wise and amazing example.

Now we patiently await the time when we can all be together as a family again.

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