Sunday's are always a little more tender than other days of the week. I think that the spirit is stronger and my mind is often more focused on the spiritual things. I was pretty weepy in the morning as I was preparing. I had been thinking about and studying about our baptismal covenants and the Holy Ghost. Two very tender topics. As I was studying I just had some really interesting thoughts and feelings about my baptism and the Holy Ghost. What gifts in my life. How am I honoring those covenants that I made? Am I spending my time being a disciple of Christ at all times in my life? Am I being a good example to my kids of this principle? I have tried to make some different choices lately about media, relationships, etc. and it has made me feel a lot better about how I am spending my time and my own spiritual progression. I have actually done more things that I wanted to do and that has been a good thing. Always good to evaluate how I am doing, because sometimes I can veer off into the ditch.
So it was a tender, emotional day. I absolutely cannot stop thinking that I should have brought Tatum to the emergency room the night before we actually did. I had called the doctor and he really had said that he didn't think that it was anything to worry about. I think I went against my mother instinct and it is killing me. Most days I can make it through and not think of it, but when my mind gets to thinking about it, it is torture for my heart. I know it would not have changed the outcome, but we would have maybe been blessed with more time and memories. This has been really hard for me to think that I possibly did not give our sweet Tatum the care that she needed, when she needed it.
Needless to say I was a little emotional. Not to mention, Halea was playing her piano piece that she played at Tatum's funeral in sacrament meeting! I was able to pull myself together and even got a real dinner together before we left for church. My lesson went OK. We have the best young women. They all had great contributions and they really brought the spirit into the conversation. The talks in sacrament meeting were great. We had two youth speakers and then one of our neighbors that has had a rough couple of years. She gave a great testimony of the Savior and how He never leaves us alone especially during times of trial. A great talk. Then Halea was up. She played her peace perfectly and with such a great spirit. The next speaker started off his talk by reading all of the verses to If You Could Hie to Kolob. Halea was so excited because she loves the words to the hymn, they are very meaningful to her. A few minutes into this last talk I looked over at Lance and this is what I saw:
We came home from church, had dinner and then we went to have dessert at a neighbors house. She had invited several families over. It was a beautiful night out and it was fun to sit and visit with each other. It is still really hard to be in larger groups and just visit with people. There were a few people there that don't really know our story and so that is really hard too. I think I do better if people just know. Not that it has to be a topic of conversation, I just feel more comfortable in that type of setting. Weird.
When we got home Halea made her appointment to get her Patriarchal blessing. Very exciting.
Someone patted my leg yesterday and said, you made it another week. Right now that is how it feels. I am trying to still enjoy the things in life. I don't want to just "exist" and make it another week. I want to live life enjoy it, do the things that I am supposed to and the things that Heavenly Father has planned for me. I want to do better. I want what I have learned to mean something. I want Tatum's life to mean something, and it will.