Saturday, July 27, 2013

8 Weeks and Trying to Live Life..

Lance took off the last part of the week because he had Wednesday the 23rd off for Pioneer day that we celebrate here in Utah.  It has been fun to have him home for a few days that we really didn't have things planned.  On Friday it was 8 weeks.  I went running for a bit and when I got home I asked Lance if he wanted to go on a bike ride.  I wanted to make sure that he is super comfortable with his "new" bike before he starts riding it to work every day.

Halea was riding her new bike that she got for Christmas down to the Legacy center where she teaches swimming lessons.  So we decided to catch up with her and make sure that everything went well.  We quickly packed up and rode down toward the Legacy center.  We only caught Halea a little before she reached her destination.  We made sure she made it and then Lance and I decided to head out to a trail that I haven't ridden for a long time and he has never ridden.  We got to the Jordan River trail and headed south to see where it ended.   We noticed immediately that it was not nearly as well maintained as the new trail that we have been riding on.  We are spoiled!  We were cruising along and all of a sudden it ended onto a dirt trail, sort of without warning.  I quickly clipped out of my pedals and went to say something to Lance.  I looked over my shoulder just in time to see him hit the ground right next to me.  Apparently he did not have luck clipping out of his pedals!  Once I saw that he was OK I told him that it was nice that it happened out in the middle of nowhere where no one saw him.  It seems like whenever I have fallen it is right in the middle of everything for everyone to see.  He was a little stunned but he got back on his bike and we started riding north on the trail in hopes of hopping back on to the Murdock trail that we normally ride.  We rode and rode and rode and never saw an opening from this trail to get to the other trail.  We got a little lost and suddenly our 20 mile bike ride was turning into a 30.  We kept going on the trail we were on in hopes that it had a way to get to the other, but we just kept getting further and further away.  We decided after several large hills to take one more section of this trail and then we would turn around.  We had just started to pick up speed and this is what we ran into:

Not what you want to see while on a trail.  The only solution is to go back the way you came!  Luckily we had climbed a lot of hills going so we had some down hill heading back, but still!

The kids started calling at about this point.  We had been gone for quite awhile and none of them were awake when we left.  We arrived home about a half hour later.

We had not used our summer passes to the local water park yet and the kids had been wanting to go so I reluctantly decided to load them up and do it.  Lance and Hayden and Halea opted out of our adventure.  Imagine missing out on such fun?  We got there and got settled.  Hilary and I stayed by the wave pool.  Last year I had both of the little girls.  Tates was just a little tiny baby.  She was always so good.  Hilary just liked to hang out in the kiddie pool while the older kids went on the slides.  It seemed so weird to not have Tatum there with us this time.  I knew that it was going to be harder with Tatum being sick but I had planned on taking her at least once to the water park so she could check that off her summer adventure list.  As I started looking around at how gross the water was and how yucky the ground and grass were, I thought that maybe I wouldn't have brought her!
Hilary was pretty happy sitting on the blanket and drinking lemonade.  She only made me take her on one little slide and then she was done.
 We hung out for a few hours and then we all headed home.

When I got home Lance and I ran down to Rumbi Grill to grab a little something to eat.  I wanted to eat a little fish before my big 5k that I was running the next day.  (good excuse to get yummy food!)  My friend and I used to eat there a lot with Tatum and Hilary.  While Lance and I were sitting there I was thinking a lot about those fun lunches.  She loves Tatum and Hilary like her own.  She is the friend that helped me get the blog up and running and why we called it Tatum Time.  She used to always say that she needed Tatum Time.  We both miss that times so much.  She was one of the few people that new that I had concerns about Tatum.  I think that I told her sitting there at Rumbi that we were bringing Tates in for testing with the neurologist.  I guess I was having some sort of Post Traumatic flash backs while we were sitting there.  It is a weird feeling trying to live a normal life when your life seems anything but.

This morning (Saturday) Lance and Heidi and Holden and Hilary and our friend Amber and her three kids went to a 5k run down in Provo.  The race has bounce houses and a hot air balloon that the kids get to go up in and face painting and french toast, etc.  So we decided to drag the kids out of bed at 6:30 am so that they could come and have fun while we ran.  Well there ended up being no hot air balloon and only one really sad bounce house!  Disappointing, especially for Lance.  He and the kids tried to make the best of it.  The french toast and chocolate milk were good and they did have ice creams.   Amber and I both got 2nd in our age division because there were a few other big races going on elsewhere in the county, so there were not a lot of people at the race.  Whoo hoo.
Every one of us earned a medal in our age division!  Hilarious

Hilary was really enjoying her creamie..
Winning! and Matching, embarrassing.
That 6:30 wake up is catching up to someone..
Face Painting..

Face painting and french toast.  Best..

It was weird to run a race this summer.  That was no where on my radar.   It just takes too much time to go to, run and stay afterwards.  That would have just been too much time away from Tatum.  I would have never been able to enjoy myself.  It was only a 5k so I wasn't stressed that I signed up so last minute and it wasn't like I had to "train" for it per say.  It was good to get out there and compete a little.  There is something to be said for that kind of activity.  It can make you feel alive in a way that other things can't.  At least it does for me.  I haven't done a race in a few years, so it was good.  And I wasn't last.  Phew.

We are 8 weeks into our new normal and it doesn't feel very good right now.  I wish that all of this didn't have to take so long.  I still can't understand how I continued living and breathing after Trevin died.  My heart hurts so bad right now I feel like it could just stop.  There is literally pain.  I feel like the physical and spiritual separation from her is killing me inside.  I just ache to have her and kiss her and hold her and care for her.  I listen to my other friends that still have there special needs kids and I so wish that we were  still fight the fight with our sweet Tatum.  That sounds horrible and people that haven't had a special needs kid will think that is weird, but I just miss her and her specialness and the feelings that she brought out in me and my kids and people around us.  There is a special spirit that surrounds these  kids that can never be duplicated or replaced in your home.  It reminds you every day to enjoy every day and to not sweat the small stuff, you are never without something to do and it so exhausting, but in the end they will always let you hold them and kiss them and drink in their amazing spirits.   My arms just literally ache.  I am so unfocused right now.  There is plenty for me to do, but I feel like I can barely accomplish the bare minimum because I can't focus on things. Just part of the recovery from this huge blow to my spirit.  It just feels really hard right now.  Luckily Lance seems more focused, so he has really pitches in with Hilary and figuring out things that I don't feel like I can right now, like stupid insurance bills.  Who wants to deal with that right now?  Not me.  I don't even care if the hospital gets all of its money.  They over charge to make up for those that don't have insurance as it is, so are they really going to miss my thousand dollars?  Probably not.  Don't worry, we are paying it.  It is just hard to think about it.  I just wish that we were still fighting for her to be here with us.  It is so hard to lose this battle, even though I knew that would be the eventual outcome.   Now, I am just trying to live life and be better during it.

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