Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Beginning of the Firsts

Tomorrow starts the beginning of the holidays and traditions that we will no longer have Tatum here with us.  It feels really hard for me.  This almost feels like I accidentally got warped into someone else's life.  It just doesn't seem possible that this is really happening, and yet it is.  I guess this is just how your brain trains your heart to be in it's new reality, your new norm.  Not loving it.  I slept horribly last night.  I didn't get to go to bed until about midnight and I ended up sleeping on the couch because I just didn't want to sleep in my bed. I wanted to be in Tatum's spot.  I woke up at 3:30am.  I was going to take a picture of myself and send it out on instagram because I was so frustrated that I was awake.  I think that I was having weird dreams so my sleep just wasn't restful at all.  I tossed and turned the rest of the night until 6:30am the very last second that I can wait to get up and start the day.  I know that I am fighting sleep.  I don't want to sleep, but I know that physically and emotionally I need it.  I just don't want it to be that easy.  Now we are entering into crazy town:)

I got up and brought Heidi and her friend to swim team then I came back and went walking and to yoga with a friend.  All of the ladies at yoga are a few years older than me.  For some reason we got side tracked on to a conversation about having babies late in life.  They were teasing a lady that is just a few years older than I am that she could still have another baby, etc.  It just made me sad, because I would give my right arm to have another baby, but that is not ever going to happen because it is too risky beside the fact that I am tired and old.  I know that if Tatum were still alive I would never want another baby.  I knew that she would be my last.  My arms just ache for her.  Luckily I had to leave a little early to go meet another friend for a little jog walk so I excused myself from the conversation.

I had a lunch date with my friend that I work with at the hospital.  We tried a new Chinese place that was yummy and had a great talk.  She is so nice to indulge me and listen to the same worries and sadness every time we are together.  She just loves Tatum like we do and so it feels nice to talk to her because she is broken hearted with us.  So lucky to have friends like that.  Lucky too that the restaurant was pretty empty so as we laughed and cried for two hours people didn't think we were crazy (just the workers probably did).

Later in the day I decided to take the kids to the splash pad.  One of my friends said she would come with me.  It turned out to be a pretty good day for it because it wasn't quite as hot as it has been in the past few days and it was a little overcast and there was a small breeze.  My reward for trying to be a nice and fun mom.  All of my kids came except Halea who was working.  I brought my camera so I could try and take some fun pictures, especially of the ever allusive Hilary.  I have not been very good at taking pictures since Tatum died.  I took so many of her it has been hard to switch gears and try and make memories without her being the center of attention.  So I am trying to work through that, but Hilary is not cooperating.  Every time I point the camera at her she screams and cries.  Case and point:
 the top picture was before she spotted me with the camera, below mad as a hornet that I am pointing the camera at her.

While we were at the park I laid down on one of the towels for a few minutes and dozed off for a bit.  It was hard to muster the energy to go home, but somehow I did.  By afternoon I start to feel the cement legs set in rather heavy.  It is amazing how physical grieving is.  I had certainly blocked this part out of my head.  I think that I didn't have as many demands in my life, so I could go at my own pace.  Not so much this time.

Tonight I stopped at the hospital and I was talking with one of the nurses.  She was there when we had Hilary.  She is the reason that we spelled Hilary with one "l".  We originally had her name spelled with 2 "l's" but then we realized that was the way that one of our favorite Clinton's spelled her name, so we changed it:)  Anyway, we were talking about things and how our family has been doing.  She was saying how this time around with Tatum is probably really different because the dynamics of our lives are so different.  She said when Trevin died we hadn't seen any of our other kids grow up yet and so essentially we didn't know what we were missing.  So true.  I see what our other kids are becoming and it makes my heart so sad to not enjoy that with Tatum.  Also, I knew that Tatum would be our last baby and so to end this way is really hard.  With Trevin I had the hope of other babies that would hopefully come.  Not as replacements, but they certainly helped us heal a little bit.  I just can't believe that part of our lives is suddenly just over.  When I walk by the diapers and the wipes and all of the baby items at Costco, it just makes me have a pit in my tummy.  Bright side, no potty training.  I have to look at the bright side, right?  She was so nice to listen to me and to care.  Everyone has been so kind to me.  I am very blessed with the support that I have received.

Tomorrow I will put on my happy face and start this journey of making new memories with our family that are still here.  It is really hard living with one foot in the past, one in the present and one on the other side of the veil where I long to be sometimes.  Especially because we only have two feet!  I feel so divided and unable to focus, but I am trying.

For our enjoyment and for those who did not know Tatum when she was itty bitty, here are some pictures just a few days after the 4th of July last year.  Is she not adorable!  Miss this girl.

I loved her profile, even back then.

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