This has been the longest fast 6 weeks of my life. I can't believe that it has been six weeks since we have started this very long part of our journey.
I was able to do some good things today. I was able to visit with a friend from the hospital. I went to lunch with my friend that I work with. We hit three Walmarts and found several more pairs of Don't Bug Me jammies. I played a little bit with Hilary. I did a call at the hospital. Overall it was a productive day. I just can't get over how on the outside I can appear to be normal and yet feel so broken on the inside. Everything is functioning OK. I feel fairly normal. But I still feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because it is so broken. In ways I feel like I am getting better, but in other ways I feel so anxious and sad because sometimes I feel like I could be consumed by the sadness. I say these things to be a window for grief. I have the knowledge that I need to overcome the feelings that I am experiencing. Not everyone has that gift. I know that I am not alone in this. I know that this is not the worst thing that a person can experience. I know there are harder things in life. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that my Savior suffered so that we can all be resurrected and reunited with those we love. I know all of this and I live it and I don't doubt the goodness of the gospel. It is just that all of this does not take away the sadness. I can't believe what a physical ache and hurt this sadness is. It seems like the further I get down the road the deeper it is getting. I can't even express how much I am missing our sweet little girl today, it is indescribable. I know that time will help. I have done this before and I know that it will get better. I just wish it were better right now.
I am going to have to re do my polish on my toes tomorrow because it is looking pretty bad. I haven't changed the polish since Tatum's funeral. It makes me sad to have to take it off. I do have the polish that I painted her fingernails and toe nails with when we dressed her for the funeral, so I will be able to use that.
Sorry for the sadness today. I am feeling raw. Tomorrow is Lance and my 22nd anniversary. Something fabulous to celebrate amid this crazy storm we are in.