Friday, July 12, 2013

6 weeks

This has been the longest fast 6 weeks of my life.  I can't believe that it has been six weeks since we have started this very long part of our journey.
I was able to do some good things today.  I was able to visit with a friend from the hospital.  I went to lunch with my friend that I work with.  We hit three Walmarts and found several more pairs of Don't Bug Me jammies.  I played a little bit with Hilary.  I did a call at the hospital.  Overall it was a productive day.  I just can't get over how on the outside I can appear to be normal and yet feel so broken on the inside.  Everything is functioning OK.  I feel fairly normal.  But I still feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because it is so broken.  In ways I feel like I am getting better, but in other ways I feel so anxious and sad because sometimes I feel like I could be consumed by the sadness.  I say these things to be a window for grief.  I have the knowledge that I need to overcome the feelings that I am experiencing.  Not everyone has that gift.   I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that this is not the worst thing that a person can experience.  I know there are harder things in life.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that my Savior suffered so that we can all be resurrected and reunited with those we love.  I know all of this and I live it and I don't doubt the goodness of the gospel.  It is just that all of this does not take away the sadness.  I can't believe what a physical ache and hurt this sadness is.  It seems like the further I get down the road the deeper it is getting.  I can't even express how much I am missing our sweet little girl today, it is indescribable.   I know that time will help.  I have done this before and I know that it will get better.  I just wish it were better right now.

I am going to have to re do my polish on my toes tomorrow because it is looking pretty bad.  I haven't changed the polish since Tatum's funeral.  It makes me sad to have to take it off.   I do have the polish that I painted her fingernails and toe nails with when we dressed her for the funeral, so I will be able to use that.

Sorry for the sadness today.  I am feeling raw.  Tomorrow is Lance and my 22nd anniversary.  Something fabulous to celebrate amid this crazy storm we are in.


  1. How I love you Heather!! You are such an amazing person. You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers!! One step, one moment at a time!

  2. Kenzie is giving a talk in church tomorrow on strengthening your families. It made me think of those who have strong families. The Walkers immediately came to mind - not because you are perfect (surprise. :)) but because you put one foot in front of the other and be a mom even when it is super hard and the sadness is overwhelming. Not only are you strengthening your family by doing that but you are strengthening so many others.

    Here's hoping some sunshine comes your way soon.

    Love - Angee

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