6 weeks

This has been the longest fast 6 weeks of my life.  I can't believe that it has been six weeks since we have started this very long part of our journey.
I was able to do some good things today.  I was able to visit with a friend from the hospital.  I went to lunch with my friend that I work with.  We hit three Walmarts and found several more pairs of Don't Bug Me jammies.  I played a little bit with Hilary.  I did a call at the hospital.  Overall it was a productive day.  I just can't get over how on the outside I can appear to be normal and yet feel so broken on the inside.  Everything is functioning OK.  I feel fairly normal.  But I still feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because it is so broken.  In ways I feel like I am getting better, but in other ways I feel so anxious and sad because sometimes I feel like I could be consumed by the sadness.  I say these things to be a window for grief.  I have the knowledge that I need to overcome the feelings that I am experiencing.  Not everyone has that gift.   I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that this is not the worst thing that a person can experience.  I know there are harder things in life.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that my Savior suffered so that we can all be resurrected and reunited with those we love.  I know all of this and I live it and I don't doubt the goodness of the gospel.  It is just that all of this does not take away the sadness.  I can't believe what a physical ache and hurt this sadness is.  It seems like the further I get down the road the deeper it is getting.  I can't even express how much I am missing our sweet little girl today, it is indescribable.   I know that time will help.  I have done this before and I know that it will get better.  I just wish it were better right now.

I am going to have to re do my polish on my toes tomorrow because it is looking pretty bad.  I haven't changed the polish since Tatum's funeral.  It makes me sad to have to take it off.   I do have the polish that I painted her fingernails and toe nails with when we dressed her for the funeral, so I will be able to use that.

Sorry for the sadness today.  I am feeling raw.  Tomorrow is Lance and my 22nd anniversary.  Something fabulous to celebrate amid this crazy storm we are in.