Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Laundry Will Wait....

Today has been a most interesting, kind of ah ha moment kind of day.  I started off with the regular, swim team carpool, then off to exercise.  After I finished our walk one of my neighbors and I drove to the church for the circuit training class that one of our other neighbors teaches.  It is the same class that I was at on the day that Tatum had her first big seizure.  I have been the past two weeks and it has been OK because there have only been a few people and most were my neighbors that have traveled this journey with us.  It has always felt a little weird, though, being there now without Tates.  Today there were a lot of people and several that used to come that do not live in our neighborhood.  I was a little worried that I might get some questions, but I didn't.  One little girl that was there had an outfit on that I had for Tatum.  These kind of little reminders will probably never stop.  The class was good and hard.  I am soooo out of shape.  It has felt good to do a little weight training, if you can call it that.

When I got home I started in on the house chores, and it is one of my dreaded laundry days.  Yuk.  I started thinking about what I needed to accomplish today.  There were a few things that I set as goals like the laundry, clean a bathroom, clean the kitchen, go through a closet and go through the kids old shoes.  Then I started thinking about things that I felt like I should do and that I wanted to do.  One of my Angel Watch friends is up at Primary Children's with her son, so I put that as high priority to see if I could maybe run up and visit her.  Her son is not doing the greatest so I wasn't sure if she would want a visitor, but I thought at least I would try.  I know that it was really nice when people would come and see us up there.  You feel like you are in a foreign country or outer space or something.  Then a lot of times your phone doesn't get service.  It can be very isolating.  I sent her a message and waited for her reply.  Then started the dreaded task of laundry.  Did I already say yuk?

As I was buzzing around the house my phone rang.  When I answered it was a patient from a few weeks ago that had a few questions about her hand molds and how to seal them.  I talked to her for a bit about that and then we just started talking about how she was doing and how I was doing.  We had a great talk.  For some reason I didn't have one kid interrupt me!  Unbelievable.  The angels attended again.  I think that we both felt uplifted after we hung up.  I know that I did.  She is such a sweet lady.  I wish that I had a magic wand to take all of the hurt that the families I meet get to experience, but then that defeats the purpose of our growth. It just hurts so much, you don't know how you are going to survive it, and I don't know how to tell them how to not just survive it but learn from it.  Because that is when the real healing comes.  When you embrace the lessons.  Sigh.

The next thing on my agenda was to deliver the pictures to the family that I met on Sunday.  Hilary and I ran to the camera store and they hadn't printed the pictures quite yet.  They said they would print them if I could wait.  Luckily they have a little play area that Hilary was thrilled to play at while I sat on the couch and closed my eyes for about 10 minutes.  I hope that I didn't snore or make those horrible jerky movements when you are about to fall asleep but you are trying not to.  After the pictures were printed I quickly ran them over to the family.  The dad of this sweet baby is a photographer so I was very nervous and I begged him to not be too critical because the hospital lighting is soo horrible.  He and his wife were very kind and appreciative.

In the meantime my friend had sent me a message saying that it would be fine for me to go visit her.  I was happy, and a little anxious.  This would be the first time back at Primary Children's since we left with Tatum on that last visit.  I tried not to think about it too much.

Before I left for Primary Children's one of the nurses from the NICU was bringing her son and his fiance over to do a hand mold of the two of them together.  They got there about the same time that I did.  We quickly did the mold and visited for a bit and then I was off to the hospital.

As I entered the hospital I remembered that I was going to have to check in at the security office and get a visitors badge.  It made me think of our badges that I had just barely taken off of my bathroom counter and put in a special spot so I can always remember that time we had with Tatum.  That time to help her fight her stupid disease and to try and make her comfortable.

 I went to the desk and told them that I was there to visit and she asked if I had ever checked in before.  I said yes.  She asked for my name and she pulled me up in the computer.  She said "You were a parent last time?"  I responded with Yep, I was a parent last time I was here.  I wanted to add a thanks for reminding me, but I was good.   I found my friends room and we had a nice visit.  I am really worried for her.  She has fought a hard battle keeping this little guy with her and her family.  Her strength and knowledge and love are amazing.  I miss being part of this community of moms and dads and siblings.  There is something about living their life like every day is their last.  It is so hard, but it is also humbling and tender and reminds us of where we came from and where we are going.  while I was there we were talking a little bit about the dreaded "end".  I was telling her how I am sure that people were looking at me and thinking are you really shocked that Tatum died?  You knew she was going to die right?  Well, of course I knew that she was going to die.  I knew that was her plan.  I just don't think that it will ever not shock you when your precious baby that you have spent all of your energy fighting for every day, dies.  I just kept thinking that maybe a miracle would happen, again, and we would get those bonus months that I wanted so desperately.  Well, this friend gets that crazy thought process.  She understands that it is never enough time and you spend a lot of your day, especially when you are in the hospital, bargaining with your Heavenly Father on how to get more time.  It is never never enough time.   I pray that she and her family get the time that they need and that they are blessed with the peace they need to help this little guy finish his mission here on earth (hopefully in a really long time from now).

This was Tatum on her last visit up at Primary Children's.  You can tell she felt like junk, but she actually gave a few little smiles while the kids were visiting her.  Never a more loved little girl.  Oh how I miss her.

On my way home I was thinking about my day and how I felt about it.  It was a little crazy, but it didn't feel chaotic, it felt calm and directed.  I was grateful that I let the laundry sit and wait.  Unfortunately it will wait, it is going nowhere.  But the opportunities that I had today to build and strengthen friendships and to offer support only come unplanned and when they are needed.  This is the way that I want to spend my days.  Being with my kids and friends and being available to them and being available to those around me who I might be able to help.  I know that is how my Heavenly Father wants me to spend my time.  I am trying really hard to be aware and close to the spirit and wise with the time that I have been given.  I want Trevin and Tatum to be proud of what I have done with my time here.  I already feel such a difference in how my soul feels.  I feel very different than I did a year ago, even just 8 weeks ago.  I feel much more calm and deliberate.  I feel change inside of me.  I am still so devastated and am so lost without sweet Tatum.  But I am trying really hard to recognize the good that has come and will continue to come from the changes in my heart, even though it hurts like crazy to get those changes.  My spirit feels very vulnerable.  I can hardly turn on the TV or the radio.  In the car I mostly listen to my phone play list of all of the songs that remind me of Tates.  It helps keep me focused on the good things.  Don't worry, it doesn't work all of the time!  I am still human.  I am just grateful that I let the laundry sit today.  


  1. Thank You :) You are so beautiful inside and out!!!

  2. Oh my goodness. What a beautiful family. I came to your blog through Rebekah's blog. I have had two girls with a chromosomal abnormality, Charlotte who lived almost 4 years and passed away in 2009 and Lily who lived 3 months in 2010-11. I sat and read your blog and cried and cried, so familiar and sweet. Beautiful Tatum.
    Anyway. I am a nurse working on my master's and I am doing my master's project on perinatal hospice. I was wondering about Angel watch and if you work with them? I would love to get involved in some way. If you are interested in my blog (no longer updated much) it is www.boofered.blogspot.com, and my email is callstheshots@aol.com. Love and prayers to you.

  3. You are such an inspiration to me. So many people would take what has been dealt to you and go the opposite way from which you are going....you are getting closer to Heavenly Father and to peace. So many would be angry and bitter and would build a wall between themselves and God. It would be so easy to do that. The route you are taking, I'm sure, is much harder but much more rewarding and feels much better than the alternative. Thank you for choosing peace and purpose. You are such a wonderful example of living a life centered around Christ. I know Tatum and Trevin are smiling up there....they know what an awesome mommy they have. Love you!