I actually went on a run with our dog for the first time in several weeks. She gets really excited to go so I like to take her because I am not as excited to go as I used to be. Running used to be my therapy. Since Tatum died it has been pure drudgery. I have been mixing it up a little with biking and walking and other classes and hikes so that I can hopefully get to love it again. I actually did a route that I haven't done for quite awhile and I ran pretty much the entire route. I was pretty tired afterward. It is amazing how quickly your body forgets and remembers how to do things. As I was running I just kept thinking that I used to run 10 miles every day before I had Hilary! Idiot. And I have run several marathons and other races that require lots of miles. It just isn't in me right now and it drives me a little crazy. It felt good to go and do somewhat of a normal run, even though it was slower than slow. Baby steps.
After my run I was able to spend a little time in the yard. I watered our roses and pruned them a little. So far they are all still alive. Yay. When I came in from the yard I discovered that Hilary had discovered her love for eyeshadow. Her motto is "a little goes a long way but a lot is way better":)
Later in the afternoon we went to Walmart and got all of the supplies we needed. We got home and deliberated about the best process to hang the picture. We knew where we were putting it. That was a huge step. We measured and marked and decided on a spot. Lance had purchased a monster hook that was going to put an enormous whole in our wall, so we had one shot to get it right. He measured several times and then just put that monster hook right in. We hung the painting and voila.
Right after we hung the painting, there was a knock at the door. This is what my neighbor had brought us!:
One of our neighbors had some extra tickets to the pioneer concert up at the conference center, so we got ready quick and headed up to Salt Lake. It is still very hard for me to want to go anywhere. I hate that I can. I feel a little anxious while I am out. I don't want to run into people. It is just emotionally a little taxing. However, I know that we must. We have to continue living because we can and we are not done. So I am forcing myself. I am so grateful for those good neighbors for thinking of us. The concert was stirring, and fabulous and spiritual. It was fantastic. When we walked out of the conference center this is what we saw.
I had been struggling with my lesson that I was teaching the next day for YW. The lesson was on ordinances and covenants and why they are important to us. As I was sitting in the concert my mind was fixated on the pioneers and the sacrifices that they have made for us to be able to have the ordinances of the gospel in our lives. If it weren't for them we would have nothing. And what we are going through right now would be soul crushing. It would be unbearable if I thought that I would never see Tatum or Trevin again.
On our way home we needed to stop at Walmart (again) to pick up a treat for Lance's class and I wanted to see if they had any more of the Don't bug Me pajamas to donate to the hospital. Lance ran to look for his things and I went to the baby section. They didn't have any of the pajamas and it was ridiculously hard to be there in that section. Tatum would have looked so cute in all of the little outfits. I stepped out of the baby section and waited for Lance over by the food for a minute until he came. It was too depressing to just stand there and admire the cute things that Tatum will never wear.
This brings us to today. I have said it before, Sundays are hard. Everything was pretty OK up until Sacrament meeting. I just dread sitting on the bench with no one to hold or take care of. I should be taking care of our sweet Tatum. My arms just ache when I am sitting there. Luckily when we first sat down at our bench, before church started, Holden and Heidi got into a small fist fight with each other. I took Holden out into the hall and sat him down to explain to him why we don't hit, especially our sister, especially in the chapel during sacrament meeting! Are you kidding me? I guess this is not the type of distraction that i was hoping for:)
Overall it was a good day. There were a lot of emotions running through me. Just missing our sweet girl and being able to be her mommy. I just don't know that this longing is ever going to go away. I might just have to soldier on this way for the rest of my life. That makes me feel exhausted and sad.